Corey Lewandowski Declines To Run For Senate In New Hampshire, Declares Flawless Victory
Fox News screenshot

Sad face! The people of New Hampshire won't get to vote for Donald Trump's former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski this November. Surely he would have cruised to victory over sitting Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen, who won office seven times in the state and whose net approval rating of 20 points makes her one of the most popular senators in the country.

But Lewandowski knows how to scrap, especially with the ladies. So he knew he was destined for victory, no matter what the pollsters said.

From his very first race in 1994 for the Massachusetts House of Representatives where he swept to a narrow 7,157-7 loss, to his 1,941-714 squeaker in the race to (not) be treasurer of Windham, New Hampshire, Lewandowski is a proven WINNER.

Oh, sure, there was the time in time in 1997 when he forgot about the loaded handgun in his laundry bag and got arrested trying to bring it into the Longworth House Office Building. Well, and the time that Joy Villa, that weird singer who wears the Trump dresses, filed a police report accusing him of slapping her ass at a party on November 28, 2016. When she said she could report him for sexual harassment, he's reported to have laughed, said, "Go ahead, I work in the private sector," and slapped her again. Plus the time he got arrested for grabbing a Breitbart reporter and throwing her on the ground. And who could forget the father of four's affair with his much younger colleague Hope Hicks, after which he allegedly leaked damaging info on her wife-beating new boyfriend Rob Porter out of spite.

But all of that was in the past, youthful hijinks, wild oats when when he was a much younger man! That's why the GOP strategists in New Hampshire like Dave Carney were so excited about Corey's putative run, telling Politico, "He adds nothing to the ticket and doesn't help the president or the ticket in any way. [...] Corey is a political hack. Political hacks make bad candidates generally."

Well, that's just because Carney hadn't seen Lewandowski's plan to attack Shaheen. It was top secret, but Shaheen's husband is Lebanese, and Corey Lewandowski ran a 2001 campaign against the Lebanese Governor John Sununu where he wondered if anyone from Hamas attended a Sununu fundraiser, so ... SPOILER ALERT!

"It's time to stop the so-called GOP 'elites' and listen to the hardworking men and woman who career politicians have failed," Lewandowski told Politico. Real Americans want politicians who talk like normal people, and aren't afraid to make fun of children with Down syndrome.

But don't worry, New Hampshire. Corey will still take time out from hoovering up cash from payday lenders and allegedly unregistered foreign lobbying to help bring the Granite State home for Donald Trump.

UH HUH. He might move on her like a bitch, but he ain't never gonna get there. Womp womp.

And now, yous can move on each other with respect in this, your OPEN THREAD.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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