It's The Watergate Break-In Except It's The Reporter Breaking In And Also It's Lies!

Facebook video screenshot

Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

Stewart claimed in a press release that Wednesday afternoon, Times reporter Stephanie Saul went to an apartment in Woodbridge, Virginia, belonging to Brian Landrum. Mr. Landrum splits his time between Stewart's Senate campaign and a part-time job with Prince William County. (Stewart himself chairs the Prince William Board of Supervisors.) According to Landrum, the apartment's door was closed but left unlocked because a houseguest was staying with him and he didn't have a fob (electronic lock thingie) for the guest.

The houseguest, who hasn't been identified, surprised Saul inside Landrum's apartment, Landrum says. Once caught, the wily Times reporter scribbled down a note to call her and left in a hurry, as Pulitzer-winning housebreakers will do:

My guest was listening to music, walking out of the bathroom in a small hallway, and turned around after hearing a noise — turned around, took her headphones off, and saw this older lady standing in my apartment who was turning and getting ready to leave," said Landrum, 25. "My friend was freaked out, and the reporter seemed a little off guard."

Landrum said his friend and Saul had a brief exchange that ended with the reporter dashing off a note asking him to call.

See, home invasions like this are why you always take a gun to the bathroom! Also, why would a houseguest all alone in the wilds of the DC exurbs leave the door unlocked while in the terlet/music room alone, even if she didn't have a key... and oh dear we are overthinking things, aren't we? So here's Stewart being outraged on facebook about this completely true narrative that definitely happened:

Good heavens, she even spoke to his high school debate coach! That sounds like...reporting!

Police are investigating, but no charges have been filed. We bet they don't find any fingerprints, because you don't get to be a top-flight journalist without knowing how to cover your tracks.

The New York Times, lying like the liberal media always does, denied anything of the sort had happened. In a statement, VP of communications Daniel Rhoades Ha said Stewart's story is "entirely false." We hope he added it was stupid as fuck, but the Times has gotten so timid you should all drop your subscriptions and send your money to Wonkette instead. (Ha probably didn't say that either, the coward.) Ha acknowledged Saul had gone to the apartment while working on the story, but that's it.

"She was told by a woman who opened the door that he was not present," Ha said. "She left a note with the woman for Mr. Landrum asking him to call. At no time did she enter the premises."

The timing of this improbable story of a reporter acting like a common bandit -- but one who dutifully leaves a note -- comes at an awfully convenient time to deflect from the story Stephanie Saul was chasing: She'd gone to ask why his name was included in a Facebook group run by Glenn Kessler, the organizer of last year's deadly Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville. Landrum was listed as one of the 20 members in a group that had been planning the upcoming Charlottesville Slob Reunion For Good People On One Side, set for later this summer on the National Mall in DC, although the only comment under his name was "what in all fuck" and four laugh-crying emojis." Landrum claims his name was added to the group without his consent and says he doesn't recall typing that, no way, and if he did, it was probably because he was shocked to see what was in the group, yeah, that's it.

Beyond a blanket disavowal of all hate groups, Stewart and his campaign now seem to be focused on pushing this very credible story about the supposed break-in. Stewart's statement was full of all sorts of neat invective!

The fake news media will stop at nothing to destroy Republicans, as we've seen with their coverage of President Trump and others over the last few years [...] Far left media from New York to Richmond have been working overtime to invent wild stories to try to give advantage to Tim Kaine, and now they're breaking into our team's homes in pursuit of their narrative.

In another memorable line, Stewart said "It's like the Watergate break-in, except in this case it's the press that's doing the break-in."

And it's the good honest Republicans who'll make an exciting movie about the incident, only it'll have Kevin Sorbo and Kirk Cameron as the sleuths who blow the lid off the entire scheme, discovering Stephanie Saul's ties to George Soros, and if they accidentally put (((some punctuation))) around those names, that's probably just a typo. MAGA!

Also it's your OPEN THREAD.

When the going gets weird, Wonkette owns the territory. Click here to fund professional weirdness.

[WaPo / Inside NoVa / Daily Beast]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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