Coronavirus Got You Down? Sprinkle It Away, With Louie Gohmert's Magic German COVID Sprinkle Powder!
It's not just hydroxychloroquine that is a miracle drug that both prevents and completely cures* the novel coronavirus!
Louie Gohmert, who competes back and forth with every other GOP Texas congressman for the title of Stupidest Texas Congressman, has heard about a magical SPRINKLE POWDER that kills the coronas dead, and he GON' GIT YEW SOME, from Germany!
Gohmert explained how magic corona sprinkle powder works in Germany to local Texas station KTLV:
GOHMERT: Uh, there is, um, a powder that can be, um, well, two teaspoons in a gallon of water, and anyway! It's being used in Germany as a mist! Healthcare workers go through a misting tent going into the hospital, so they, and it kills the coronavirus completely dead, not only then but also anytime in the next 14 days that the virus touches anything that's been sprayed, it's killed.
And so there are places in Germany where they're using this going in, they're misted, and when they come out [...]
So we're trying to get approval for that in the United States ...
OK, look, obviously this sounds like something that really exists and is science, so we probably should just rejoice that Louie Gohmert has cured the novel coronavirus, with Magic German Sprinkle Powder. All you gotta do is go into the tent! We hear if you don't want to take the treatment as a mist, it can be mixed into Kool-Aid.
What will shock you is that there is not even a scintilla of truth in any element of what the Congressman From Dumbfuck up there just said. The San Antonio Express-News did a factcheck and found the following things to be true:
- There is no sprinkle mist.
- There are no tents, full of sprinkle mist.
- It's not happening in Germany.
- "There are no such tents and there's no powder or magical cure," said Dr. Jörn Wegner, speaking for the German Hospital Association.
- "I'm sorry, but we did not hear about that magic powder," [Thomas Ruttkowski, spokesman for the German Society of Hospital Hygiene] said in an email. "Thank you for your mail. … Finally, something to laugh about."
Weird. And Louie Gohmert has been so very science-y about coronavirus up to this point. And like, in general, he's science-y as fuck about everything. This is after all the same man who explained that boy caribous and girl caribous do a lot more P-in-V caribou boning if they have a warm oil pipeline to lean up against. It's not his first rodeo with biology or medicine.
Oh well, Louie Gohmert can't be right about science every time, we guess.
Y'all, this is a literal actual United States congressman. We feel like we should emphasize that whenever possible.
OK, so fine, there is no magic German sprinkle mist.
There is definitely vodka, though, so here is nutbag MAGA golfer John Daly, who we are embarrassed to say lives in Memphis, and who has always had a good relationship with alcohol and also the law, talking about how he's found the cure to the corona-blues, and it is Belvedere vodka.
A Message From John Daly | Trump Golf www.youtube.com
"I only drink one drink a day, it just happens to be a bottle of good old Belvedere," Daly said while holding the clear bottle of vodka up toward the camera. "Just drink one of these a day. You know, sippy, sippy on a McDonald's diet Coke ya know, wash it down pretty good. Never have a hangover." [...] "And that's the way you kill this coronavirus I believe."
SIPPY SIPPY. And that's the way you kill this coronavirus, John Daly believes.
In case you have not heard, alcohol does not kill the fucking coronavirus. It just doesn't.
By the way, we only bring this up because THE FUCKING TRUMP ORGANIZATION TWEETED IT.
A big thank you to @PGA_JohnDaly who has always been one of our biggest fans. John thank you for the friendship. Ev… https://t.co/9JG2JNRvop— Trump Golf (@Trump Golf)1586462696.0
Also, if you notice above, the YouTube comes from the Trump Golf YouTube channel.
Now, if you are science-minded like we and John Daly and Louie Gohmert are, you are probably wondering whether Belvedere vodka can be distilled into a mist, and if there is a misting tent available.
We'll let you ponder that while we visit with a couple more noted coronavirus science experts, Diamond and Silk, AKA two-thirds of Donald Trump's list of approved black women, who previously weren't sure people were even dying of coronavirus in the first place, because of how it is all a Deep State plot to hurt Trump.
Now, after we imagine they've been spending 24 hours of every day in their science labs, just fuckin' beakerin' around with Bunsen burners and shit trying to cure the coronavirus, they have a new theory, and it is ... the same dumbass 5G conspiracy theory Robyn wonksplained to you a couple weeks back.
DIAMOND: I'm like, "How is our elderly coming into contact with this?" Just listening to people, doing a little research. Now our country is supposed to be shut down, but I'm hearing that these 5G towers are going up, and if they're in certain places, the frequency of that can really throw your body off.
SILK: Your genetics, yup.
DIAMOND: And have your body [INDECIPHERABLE]. I'm not a doctor; I'm just going on what they were saying about this.
SILK: What they are saying.
DIAMOND: This is what they're saying about this.
SILK: That's what science is saying.
DIAMOND: And it can also cause you — it can also cause for your genetic material to test for COVID-19.
DIAMOND: Now, I don't know how true that is, but I believe somebody should look into it.
Oh shit fuck goddammit we are done writing this post.
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