Could All Sen. Jim Inhofe's 'Gay Friends' Please See Wonkette After Class?
“I’ve been disappointed, and I was not surprised. I thought they would rule the way they did. I know a lot of people, actually a lot of people who are friends of mine in the gay community, who also think it was a bad decision," he explained.
SO! We would like to ask Sen. Inhofe's many gay friends, who think it's a bad thing that they have equal rights to get married to the same-sex lover they're boning, a few questions:
1. Do you exist? It's OK if you don't exist. Are you the imaginary gays who live under Sen. Jim Inhofe's bed and keep his global warming snowballs company when he's not using them? If you're fake, we'll forget this post ever happened.
2. OK, assuming you exist, why are you friends with THAT guy? What's that like? Do you all get in the hot tub together and you're TRYING to dish about the last dude you slept with, but then all of a sudden Inhofe hops in, wearing a T-shirt to cover up his Olden Nipples, and starts saying things like "I sure don't like all the openly gay activity in our military" and "I’m really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we’ve never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship"? (Second quote verbatim, first quote not so much.) Doesn't that kill every single boner in the hot tub?
3. No, seriously, you don't exist, right? He made you up, the way Republicans are always making up black friends.
4. Maybe he's talking about closeted Republican lawmakers who vote anti-gay because they hate themselves. Because there's a plethora of those fuckers out there. Those don't really count as members of "the gay community," Sen. Inhofe. Those are members of the "My Grindr profile is cropped at the head because I am married to a Baptist lady, but here is my closet case dik, wanna fuk?" community.
5. Unless he actually knows a few of those self-hating quisling Republican gay types? Not talking about gays who are Republicans because they're rich and selfish, talking about the ones who actually believe in social conservatism, because they've been trained to Know Their Place. Like these guys.
6. You don't exist.
If you are one of Sen. Inhofe's totally fabulous gay friends, please email us at tips at wonkette dot com and tell us about all your sexcapades (NO XXX PICS, PLEASE) with the senator from Exxon, we can't wait.