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Good evening, and welcome to your Election Night 2020 Wonkette AMERICAN EXORCISM Liveblog, as hosted by Evan Hurst and me, your editrix! I don't want to jinx anything *spits, turns around, does a shot and knocks on wood with a ballpeen hammer*, but we're calm and ready and all signs point to me not having to write FUCK YOU AMERICA at one in the fucking morning. We may not know all the answers tonight, but ... we think ... the center will hold.

No we're not "centrist," you absolute schmendricks. It is from Yeats, you fuckheads!

Evan and I will be taking turns bringing you tidbits and tasty morsels, and we will only watch Fox if they are crying. We will probably come in late tomorrow! So yell at SER and Dok if posts are late, they are in charge and that is on them.

Here's hoping we get a 2008 repeat, where the networks call it at 8:00 and 30 seconds after the polls close on the West Coast. Because we need it. We are Good, and we deserve it. We — most of us — have survived the past four years where they worked hard to horrify us every hour of every day. But some of our beloveds have not survived. And if we weep tonight, let it be for joy and relief, and also for our friends, and let it wash us clean from the inside of all the hideousness that has been perpetrated in our protesting names.

Pffft dumb.

Ready? SET? LET'S EVICT THIS BITCH.


6:27: Hi, Evan here. First polls close in like 30 minutes, OK? So stop asking, OK?

MSNBC reports that there is a smattering of vote coming in from Indiana. It is Trump votes in the flyover land of cows. MEH.

That said, here are a few of the links we will be following religiously tonight, if you'd like to also bookmark things and obsessively refresh them.

Josh Marshall at TPM made a real darn good Twitter list of RELIABLE NUMBERS people to follow.

Daily Kos has a real darn nice map of when all the polls close.

NPR has a nice guide to when we can expect results from some key states HERE, and the Washington Post has a real nice guide to all 57 states in the whole entire world of US America HERE.

And since you didn't ask, the coffee drink we are drinking to make us jitter is "Starbucks Pumpkin Creme Cold Brew" and the pot of coffee we will drink after that is "already made," unless we switch to booze, in which case we will be drinking "all of it."

Way ahead of you, Evan. — Me

6:48: Some numbers are coming in from Kentucky, and we have a secret data nerd source who says they are "good."

Ten minutes until polls officially close in some states.

6:55: Polls closing in a few minutes in Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, South Carolina, Vermont, and Virginia. Also MOST of Florida except the panhandle. Gonna start learning things REAL SOON.

7:00: Polls closed. Trump projected to win Indiana. That was never in question, but some things we are learning make it look like Biden might close some real margins there.

Everything else too early to call, including Senate races in all those states.

7:08: OK, we are getting race calls from the AP. which is the gold standard.

Mark Warner rewins his Senate race in Virginia. Wasn't in question.

Also Biden wins Vermont and Trump wins Kentucky. What we are going to be interested in in some of these early call states like Kentucky is the MARGIN. How much does Trump win Kentucky BY?

Also, Fox News -- whose decision desk is very good, FYI -- has already called Virginia for Biden. This is good news for John McCain Joe Biden because Virginia, blue as it has become, took a while in 2016. 'Member that?

7:20: Joy Reid explains Florida and Nevada, and how they are different: She says the ANGRY mean old people move to Florida, and the FUN grandparents move to Vegas.

Also early numbers from Miami-Dade County look ... concerning. However, people are noting that Trump may very well have made some inroads with Cuban-Americans with all his fucked up "socialism" talk. But we shall see. It is extremely early yet!

7:30: Polls closing in North Carolina, Ohio and West Virginia right ... NOW!

We are not very scared about Florida, even if Biden loses. Florida's weird, man. Rebecca just now: "I didn't have it on any of my maps and Joe Biden still won five million electoral votes."

We were just in Florida -- St. George Island, HIGHLY RECOMMEND -- and it is just one of those places where you are totally fine if you hug the coasts, but everything goes stinky like two miles in.

7:33: If you are freaking out about Florida, you should know it looks like Biden is going to win Pinellas County, which is VERY BELLWETHER and which Trump barely won in 2016. (Pinellas is like Clearwater and St. Petersburg and stuff.)

Also, results will be delayed in Fulton County, Georgia (Atlanta), due to plumbing problems. They say the poop water didn't get on the ballots. THEY SAY.

Rebecca here. You know what that means, Evan? Do you? DO YOU? It means PLUMBERS.

Giphy

Get it? GET IT? WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS? REBECCA bowls a PERFECT JOKE STRIKE.

7:50: HOT UPDATE FROM EVAN. I just ordered pizza.

Anyway, Ohio numbers are starting to come in, and it's all early vote, but Biden numbers look niiiiiiiice. We will see what happens as same-day vote comes in!

7:58: Here comes ONE MILLION poll closings in a minute, like half the rest of the eastern seaboard, Tennessee, some other crap.

8:00: PROJECTIONS FROM MSNBC! Everything still too early to call except ...

Biden wins New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Delaware, DC,

Trump wins Oklahoma.

Interesting that Oklahoma is the only state that immediately comes in with a projection for Trump. Because Alabama and Tennessee and Missouri and Mississippi were all in that list. Oh well, we are not a Mathster, we shall not speculate.

All the new Senate races have been called for Kanye West, the new Senate Majoriy Leader is Kanye West, and the new Minority Leader is ALSO Kanye West. Just goes to show you never know wht Americans are going to do!

8:07: AP calls South Carolina for Trump. So. There's that.

And we proooooobably lost Florida. That said, what we are seeing is that Biden is outperforming Hillary among every group except Cubans. So. There's that.

Also:

Hahahahahahahahaha. So. There's that.

8:10: Here is a fact Steve Kornacki just told us! MOST of the vote is in from Denton County, Texas, which is DFW suburbs. Trump is winning it, but by significantly less than he beat Hillary Clinton by. So looks like some swings!

Fingers crossed.

MSNBC calls Tennessee for Trump. Jesus, our fucking state.

8:13: With 95 percent of the vote in in Williamson County, Texas (Austin burbs), Biden is winning by eight points. Hillary lost that county.

Hi, Texas. If we win you tonight, we take back ALL OF IT.

8:16: Mitch McConnell wins re-election. Told y'all to stop it with Amy McGrath.

8:20: Calls are starting to get made for Florida. It's OK. The Trump campaign has been super-confident about that one. The press secretary idiot said it was a "lock" today. It's about the only thing they've been expressing that kind of confidence about.

Thing is, Trump very much needed Florida. Joe Biden did not.

8:30: Nicolle Wallace is on MSNBC like "North Carolina is a sideshow, it is all about the Rust Belt," but you should know that North Carolina numbers are coming in, and they are looking GOOD so far, better than Florida started out. So if Biden pulls out North Carolina, that's one Trump state off the map.

8:35: This is the early vote in NC:

8:41: From Rachel Bitecofer, the very smart Negative Partisanship person who perfectly predicted the 2018 midterms, we get this:

8:57: One million things closing in three minutes, including Arizona. Drink!

9:00: Polls closed in one million states! Only projection so far is Biden wins New York DUH.

Oh also Tom Cotton and Trump won Arkansas. Meh.

9:02: Oh just kidding there are a bunch of AP race calls.

Trump wins Nebraska, but they don't seem to be talking about Nebraska's weird split electoral thing in the Omaha area, so.

Biden New Mexico. (Haha, remember how Trump campaign idiots liked to pretend they had a path there?)

Trump Louisiana.

Trump North and South Dakota. No surprises.

Oh and John Cornyn has won re-election in Texas, per ABC. Which ... FUCKING BETO. You should have done that thing, BETO.

Biden is improving on Hillary's numbers YOOGE in Ohio, by the way.

9:15: Hi Rebecca here again. Remember all the way up top when I said it was gonna be me and Evan trading on and off, well fuck that noise, he has been doing all the work and I am dicking around on Twitter, LIKE SO.

Just laying down that marker, because MAMA LOVES A LONGSHOT!

Anyway, this is your periodic EMOTIONAL CHECK IN. How are you? You okay? Did you eat your hands off yet? You shouldn't do that, you need hands. Eat something else maybe. You should have bought chips. Send someone to get you some. THEY WOULD IF THEY LOVED YOU. Remind them to wear a goddamn mask.

We will be fine. Tonight will go in stupid waves of them showing us ONE PERCENT TOO CLOSE TO CALL and OH NO FLORIDA. I mean, I love our Florida wonkers, but come on, it is Florida, we do not trust your state farther than we can throw it, which is not far: It is a state.

We'll do it guys. We'll do it. And plus Montana's gonna LEGALIZE IT, so haha suck it (me, on that bong).

Okay back to Evan more probably BYE.

9:23: Everybody has already called Colorado for Biden, which was expected, but keep that in mind because it could tell us something about what we hope is one of the first Senate flips of the night, AKA Fuck You Cory Gardner.

9:26: Ugh ugh ugh, not unexpected, but it appears that fucking gross pretty boy Hitler Youth Madison Cawthorn is going to Congress, ugh.

In better House news:

MSNBC projects Trump wins Alabama. That took longer than "Alabama" should.

And OH OH OH OH OH, BYE CORY GARDNER BYE!

John Hickenlooper going to the Senate, per MSNBC.

Giphy

9:40: New Jersey LEGALIZED IT. Toke up all you princes of Maine Jersey and kings of New England.

Oh hey, you know what's been helping me eat all my feelings this year? ONLINE SHOPPING. Seriously, I get packages I have no memory of ordering. You could buy some shit!

9:56: Sorry kids, we have reached that "we don't know much" moment of the night, the first of many.

Oh except we know Madison Cawthorn is going to be a very KKKlassy new member of Congress.

9:59: Bad news. AP has called SC-Sen for Lindsey Graham. Keep in the game, Jaime Harrison.

Arizona and Nevada and Iowa just closed. We are ready for some GOOD NEWS.

Could we do GOOD NEWS?

10;09: OK, this could be good news. Maricopa County is starting to report in Arizona. 77 percent of the vote in, and Biden is up 10 points. Republicans will narrow the gap with in-person voting, but 77 percent of the vote in is A LOT. There is also a shitload of Pima County (Tucson) in.

Fingers crossed, but this could be where some good news comes, did we say good news already, we want good news.

10:12: Doug Jones loses in Alabama. We knew it was gonna happen. God bless him, what a very good man.

Anyway, back to looking at Arizona!

Mark Kelly is also way up over Martha McSally!

10:23: REMEMBER!

It also started with Florida fucking us.

10:30: Hey guess when we get Milwaukee numbers? TIME'S UP, 6 a.m. tomorrow!

That said, we are seeing a number of people now saying the momentum of tonight's results looks a lot more like 2018 than 2016. We won in 2018.

Patience.

10:32: Oh great. A "software error" is delaying 80,000 mail votes in Gwinnett County, Georgia, AKA blue Atlanta suburbs. Neat.

10:38: North Carolina keeps its Democratic governor!

Also a VERY big portion of what is left in North Carolina is blue city vote. And some county fucked up its reporting initially in Trump's favor. And and and.

Oh also the earliest results from Wisconsin actually are very good, per Bitecofer, who does not seem at all freaked out tonight.

10:43: Oh, and weep for poor auctioneer redneck Doug Collins, who has conceded to Kelly Loeffler, who will face Raphael Warnock in a special GA-SEN special election in January. It really would be nice if that didn't end up determining control of the Senate.

10:54: Just want y'all to know that Mark Kelly is running ahead of Biden in Arizona, and Biden is considerably ahead. Looks like Martha McSally is getting rejected by voters AGAIN.

11:00: West coast just came in, CA, OR, WA immediately called for Biden, as usual.

11:10: Roger Marshall has won the Senate seat in Kansas, so no Democrat Barbara Bollier there, which was a longshot anyway.

Joy Reid with a GOOD POINT, which is BREATHE. Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin are not run by Republicans who will just let Trump steal it, and the numbers we are seeing are election day votes in the sticks. BREATHE.

Also Arizona legalized weed.

And we don't want to say anything and jinx it, but we are thinking we're going to hear that Arizona has legalized ASTRONAUTS very soon. Maybe.

11:15: Hey, remember how Trump has literally told us, and all kinds of other people have told us, that he is going to try to RED MIRAGE America by the pussy on election night, because the election day vote is going to look good for him?

Hi, hello, THEY HAVE A HABIT OF SAYING THESE THINGS OUT LOUD.

11:17: RITCHIE TORRES IS THE FIRST GAY BLACK MEMBER OF CONGRESS!

Remember, we told you allllll about him?

11:32: DRUDGE SIRENS!

FOX NEWS CALLS ARIZONA FOR JOE BIDEN AND ALSO FOR FUCK MARTHA MCSALLY!

11:42: The news says both campaigns are saying nobody is declaring victory tonight. So Trump folds on his first threat.

11:43: If you were just listening to Rachel and Nicolle laugh about the great Iowa Senate Corn Incident of 2020, here is yr Wonkette story to remind you what that was all about.

11:55: Some numbers finally came out from Nevada, and they are 91 percent to seven percent, Trump over Biden. Trump will probably go sue real fast to disqualify all remaining ballots.

11:58: NBC News has finally called Ohio for Trump. That said, we think it looks like the margins have moved closer for Biden than they were in 2016, which bodes well for the Big Three Rust Belt states, which if you will remember Russia Trump Russia Paul Manafort won by mere handfuls of votes in 2016.

12:04: Networks have just started calling Texas for Trump. OK, STILL NOT THIS YEAR YET.

Can we take a moment to note that they just finally started calling Texas at midnight? TEXAS.

Also Georgia is still out. And North Carolina hasn't been called either. And those aren't places that aren't counting shit until sometime in 2030!

12:15: Michael Steele is on MSNBC saying people in a "Florida mind maze" because of what happened in Florida earlier, by which he means RELAX.

The theme of this election is IGNORIDA FLORIDA.

Which ... really should be the theme of all elections. And life. The beaches are nice, but the state is worthless otherwise.

12:17: Needle is drunk, but we are not sure it is wrong.

12:35: Everything lookin' good in Minnesota so far, by the way, so that is good.

Also our updates are probably going to be slower right now because ZZZZZZZZ.

Hey, have you clicked below to donate Wonkette money to buy us booze and salaries? Thank you.

12:39: Everybody pretty much officially projecting Florida for Trump now. Also AP calls Iowa for Trump.

But all the drugs are winning!

Oh, and here's one you might have not known about. In Colorado, they appear to have voted down Prop. 115, which is a garbage abortion ban. So hooray for abortion and drugs!

12:43: Joe Biden is giving his COUNT ALL THE FUCKIN' VOTES speech.

Also appears AP has called Minnesota for Biden, and also apparently shit is hitting the FAN at Fox News over its call of Arizona for Biden. Seems Trump was LIVID and screaming COUNT ALL THE VOTES, lololololololol OK babe, long as we count all the votes everywhere!

We will show you funny videos from Fox News if we see them, but while you're waiting, remember the hilarious thing in 2012 when Karl Rove pooped the desk on Fox and made Megyn Kelly traipse all the way to the decision desk room on camera to verify that they weren't fake newsing?

Karl Rove's election night melt-down over Ohio results on Fox News www.youtube.com

Sounds like that's what happened on Fox re: Arizona tonight. LOL.

12:49: "The Poles."

Yes, that is a real tweet. "The Poles."

Trump already deleted it, maybe because MSNBC openly pissed its pants laughing at it.

And Twitter has already reflagged the correctly spelled version as bullshit.

Oh also Joni Ernst won.

UGH SENATE.

Ain't over yet, though. Bullock is running better than expected in Montana, and unless we missed it, we ain't heard shit about Cunningham or Ossoff or Collins in Maine, which has ranked choice voting.

1:15: We won Nebraska's 2nd district! At least some people are calling it. And that's an electoral vote!

We don't think we're going to know much more tonight, but we don't feel bad about where things are. It's not the blowout we wanted, but we think we're going to be OK. We don't know about the fucking Senate but ...

Anyway.

If we know more things, we will say more things! Unless we fall asleep.

1:25: Thread!

Trump is going to speak tonight and obviously now declare victory, so prepare to mock the president.

1:52: Things just WAY tightened up in Georgia. We think Biden might do this, and that Stacey Abrams mighta been right when she said Georgia is a blue state that just doesn't know it's a blue state.

That said, we are probably not going to update this thing again unless something big happens.

OR WILL WE?

2:24: Donald Trump is currently bitching that people are trying to "disenfranchise" his voters, bitching that Arizona was called (by Fox News), lying and saying he's won Georgia based on him being up 118,000 votes with a shitload of city vote out, lying and saying he's won North Carolina when that is not at all clear, lying and saying he's "winning Pennsylvania" by a "tremendous" amount, knowing full well that only the flyover pig turd people's votes have been counted so far, lying and saying he's winning Michigan.

Fucking tyrant wannabe.

Mock the living shitfire out of him.

2:30: And now he has declared victory and said he's going to go to the Supreme Court to get them to stop "finding" ballots. MSNBC cut away, because fuck him.

2:35: Rebecca here again! I think we need a moment to process that freakshow. He did exactly what they had said out loud, with their mouths, that he was going to do — declare victory while he's down and then go to SCOTUS to collect his vig. But seeing it happen was still upsetting, because monsters are upsetting, and you don't have to be brave and laugh it off. You can take a minute to confirm what you saw with your eyes, confirm that that shit is NOT OKAY, and confirm that IT'S NOT US, IT'S THEM.

And yes, that shit is fascist as fuck, and you don't have to think fascism is funny if you don't want to.

I'm probably going to send Evan off to bed at last, but I'll be up with you, even though I likely won't be typing at all.

2:55: AP calls Arizona for Biden, one piece of bread on Trump's "they called the bad one for Biden and need to keep counting, I've definitely won all these others and they must stop" three-decker sandwich. So that is a thing to know right now.

4:45: Things are moooving for Joe Biden in Wisconsin (weak sad cow joke, it is 4:45 and my dispiritedness is in inverse proportion to the amount I demanded people perk up earlier). He is now up 49.3 to 49.0 for Donald Trump.

Regardless of the final results, which we were all warned would not look good in the first hours this evening, we are going to have to have a discussion, a lot of discussions, about how to deprogram our fellow Americans. They are in trouble. And so are we.

Also the Senate looking fucking BAD, and I take the entire blame for hyping "we will win all the Senate seats, 1000 Senate seats!" That was on me.

Also LOL

5:25: "Nevada has just thrown us a little bit of a curveball" is not generally a thing you want to hear on CNN. But apparently Clark County's "blue wall" is less than what one would hope, and Biden's lead is down to about 9000 votes. Lol my goodness. I've gotten the bourbon out.

6:00: Six a.m. and some is wellll! Bless you Philly.

So a couple things to keep in mind: WE HAVE BEEN TOLD the earliest reports would look bad, but it seems like in a lot of places, nobody's sure if "100 percent precincts reporting" ... actually included the Dem-heavy mail-in ballots or not. So what the fuck? SHRUGGY WHO KNOWS! But yes, these hours have sucked, and our country is bad. Let's keep watching things happen!

6:30: Oh, I forgot to update that last one, whoops. Well new news MICHIGAN TIGHTENING. Trump's lead cut to 64,000 with Wayne County (Detroit) coming in like gangbusters. Who's still up with me?

7:00: All right my terrible ones, my eyes are closing on this 23rd hour of my shift, but since SER's tabs are going up nowish, I bid you SEE YA. All will be well. Maybe. Good night.


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