Cover Your Eyes! And Your Ears! Just Watch The Trump Biden Debate Through This Here Liveblog!
Am I happy that I'm liveblogging this goddamn shitcrap final Trump Biden debate tonight? No. But I am already full of a lovely rum, and nobody can ask for happiness these fuckforsaken days. Will I be able to hear and understand them as Trump hoots and drools and grabs at his own crotch and shits in his own hand like a methed out gorilla? I will not! I am somewhat hard of hearing, from all my youthful rock shows. But nobody can ask for "hearing" either, so fuck it.
Good luck, moderator Kristen Welker. Good luck, Wonkers, do not do this Washingtonian drinking game, you will die. This Washingtonian self-care NOT DRINKING game sounds much better. SHY GET ME SOME MOTHERFUCKING CHAMOMILE TEA. With some rum.
Have a goddamn livestream.
Livestream: The final 2020 presidential debate on CNN www.youtube.com
9:05 PM: We get started five minutes late. Was Trump temper tantruming backstage? OBVIOUSLY. Kristen Welker asks them to talk one at a time. She's hilarious!
Welker: President Trump, you have killed all the people in the country. How do you lead the next stage?
Trump: It was supposed to be two million dead. There are spikes and surges, "they will soon be gone." Vaccine will be ready and available in "weeks." I got cured and "now they say I'm immune." It's a worldwide problem but "I've been congratulated by the heads of many countries," yeah Putin maybe.
Biden: 220,000 Americans dead. If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this. Anyone responsible for that many deaths should not be president of the United States of America.
Joe brings some stats, Joe says "plan," Joe should bring up Trump screaming about how Obama should resign because one dude died from Ebola.
Welker wants to know if "weeks" is realistic, since his FDA says "2021 at best." Trump says he has generals.
Joe how will you get Americans to trust the vaccine since the FDA is so holy fuck politicized?
Biden: Will FIX IT!
snl fix it GIF Giphy
Trump: Biden said I was xenophobic (pronounced correctly!) for closing down travel from China.
Joe: He is xenophobic. Not because of that.
Trump: Joe Biden lives in the basement of his mansion he got from being crooked, and I got coronavirus because I love the troops too much.
Trump is right that it is not his fault that the coronavirus came here. What is his fault is absolutely making a culture war about the simplest way to prevent spread, wearing a fucking mask. He set Nazi wackaloons after Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for ordering people to stay home while we figured out what was going on.
But sure, he is acting "sane" tonight. Not even one interruption, just the glare of evil death.
Trump wants to open the schools because kids might get it, but it doesn't hurt them, except for the ones who die, and also the ones who we have no idea what their longterm effects will be. Anyway, he's not yelling, so everyone can feel good about voting for him again.
Biden wants to safely open, with resources for opening. Pfft it is a flu.
Wonkette instant factcheck of Trump saying everyone's killing themselves: They're not.
Say, if our death rate is down 85 percent and we're doing so much more awesome than Europe, why are 1000 people a day still dying? Is that because testing makes you die?
No Wall Street No Wall Street Joe Biden is the Wall Street. I am too ethical to raise money.
9:28 pm: We're moving on to election interference, so be ready to hear about Burisma. This is, once again, dispiriting.
Biden: Putin. Trump loves him. Loves when he puts bounties on American troops. (Okay, Joe who famously never questions anyone's motives, says he "doesn't know why" he won't say anything to Putin, not that he loves it.)
Here's Trump to say Biden got three and a half million dollars from Putin, which NOPE. Now Trump is taking credit for NATO, which Trump tried to break.
"What came out today, the emails, the emails, the horrible emails!" He says Joe Biden needs to explain Rudy Giuliani's hilarious broken Blackberry, hooked up to a Russian network, of Hunter Biden saying HE WON'T sell his family's name. Of course this is latebreaking so Joe has no fucking idea what he's talking about and just goes to Trump's secret Chinese bank account and refusal to release his tax returns. But this is what Trump's talking about:
Trump claims he IS going to release his tax returns, only four years late and LOL, and that he "prepaid" his taxes. He didn't. Let Liz splainer you here. Or this one! Two splainers! Now Trump says Mueller and "18 angry Democrats" went through his tax returns on their witch hunt and "found nothing wrong." No. They didn't. Mueller never looked at his finances because WHAT THE FUCK MUELLER.
I don't have any idea how Daniel Dale keeps up with the lies.
So, after all that, Joe Biden declines to bring up Trump's kids "hoovering up" all the government money. Stupid? Honorable? Both? Anyway, some stuff about GINNNA. Trump now says "our farmers" got paid by China, LOLOLOL must be why Joni Ernst is losing in Iowa.
God give me the strength to change the things I can, the something something to something the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
9:48 pm: Trump says Obama fucked up North Korea, and now is losing his cool when Biden contradicts him. Here's Wonkette's INSTANT FACTCHECK on whether he saved us from nuclear war with North Korea, outsourced to ... USA Today apparently.
We move on to Amy Coney Barrett getting confirmed to junk Obamacare. Trump says so many words about the terrible mandate and how he fixed it.
Biden: I'm going to pass Obamacare with a public option. [Says facts about plans.] 2, he'll let Medicare negotiate drug prices. 3, I looooove private insurance, sigh Joe Biden. Still better than the alternative which, as Trump just helpfully explained, is "paying a fortune for garbage insurance." But he meant it differently, he was just accidentally right.
I don't even know what that link is that Dok just passed me in the chatcave, but he thinks it is relevant, so!
Now Trump is coming off his xanax or whatever has been mellowing him out and he is sneering about Kamala Harris, not sure why, probably because Black. Oooh: "When he says 'public option,' he's talking about socialized medicine." Says Old Joe will destroy your socialized Medicare!
Joe: "He wants to lit'rally defund Medicare with the payroll holiday, it would go broke by 2023 [THIS IS TRUE YOU DICK FACEBOOK 'FACTCHECKERS'], and he's going to lecture ME on Medicare?"
Ronald Reagan speaks out on Socialized Medicine - Audio www.youtube.com
"Nancy Pelosi won't let me have a relief bill," if you didn't already know that would be the answer, please drink, because you are too dumb to be sober.
Now Joe's MAD, and for a good reason: The Democrats are being slandered about not passing a bill and THEY PASSED IT IN THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER! (May actually, Joe.)
Trump explains that the HEROES Act was to bail out blue states and illegals, "spending on things that had nothing to do with COVID." Joe, instead of pointing out that the blue states went broke bidding against each other for PPE, says he'll be an American president, not a red state or blue state president. Meh.
Now we're on the minimum wage and Trump's filibustering about how high minimum wage bankrupts small businesses. Which would be a thing he would know about, if he could blame any of his bankruptcies on paying people what he owed them.
Welker: Mr. President, are you going to find the parents of the 545 kids whose parents got deported without them?
Trump: They said we built the cages but we did not build the cages, the kids were trafficked by coyotes, Obama built the cages.
Biden knows what the fuck Welker is talking about and is MAD AGAIN. Trump probably doesn't even know. Honestly. Instead he channels his inner Melania and says the kids who were taken from their parents, who were then deported and lost, are in "beautiful facilities."
This kitchen floor isn't going to lie down on itself.
OK, Trump is talking about "catch and release," where you give immigrants a court date. Only people with "the lowest IQ" come back for their court date, Trump says (Wonkette instant factcheck: WRONNNNG) and Biden can't even fucking believe it.
10:10 pm: Biden talks about Black parents' The Talk, but also moves on to the ability to accumulate wealth, Trump's answer is Crime Bill.
It was a bad bill Bront!
And Trump is the best president for the Black community (proud of him for "community" instead of just "the blacks"!) in history except maybe Lincoln, liberals cried with gratitude, SIR! SIR! in his office (Kanye West, you minx!), okay I'm about done with this.
Joe has some facts about commutations, the Central Park Five, he's more assured here, finally. Joe talks about rehab and mandatory minimums, and Trump just Trumps. "I ran because of you," repeated about 50 times.
Somehow our segment on racial justice got derailed (SOMEHOW) to Joe Biden and Russia. Joe Biden FINALLY points out that former heads of the CIA, of both parties, say it's a Russia op. Trump can't BELIEVE he's accusing RUSSIA of something! Here we go again, RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA! he says.
I think the gaslighting is more upsetting than the yelling last time.
ANYWAY, now Trump says he's "the least racist person in this room."
Joe Biden: "Abraham Lincoln here is the most racist president ever." Facts.
Trump takes great exception to Joe Biden's scurrilous asparagus!
We're back on Joe's crime bill, and Trump who never compared himself to Lincoln he just happens to be the greatest since, did all the prison reform, so much prison reform, had a meeting with Kim Kardashian and commuted 38 sentences, he's the greatest!
Now we're on climate change and I want to die.
Trump: Trump is the greatest environmental president since Lincoln. — Trump
Biden: [Facts.] Will invest in clean jobs, charging stations, all Trump did is do away with every step forward we'd taken. [Plans.] Jobs!
Trump: Joe stole his plan from AOC, is "hopping through hoops" for her and her also nonwhite comradinas! Slags the Green New Deal (which Joe Biden does not endorse) a whole bunch.
I would like to know why the fuck I let Evan not do this tonight, but I'm not happy about it.
Joe Biden points out "he thinks windmills cause cancer." Trump: "I know a lot more about wind than you do."
Shy, Ima need another rum.
Biden says he won't ban fracking because it needs to be a transition to the future non-fracking energy sources. But that's been the answer for the past decade. Transition's over Joe, fracking's done. Tell Pennsylvania to get some geothermal jobs instead.
Trump saved the economy, Trump made the US energy efficient, Trump fixed the environment better than anybody since Lincoln, Trump made Black families better than anybody since Rachel Carson who wrote Silent Spring, I. CAN. NOT. WITH. THIS.
10:36 pm: Mr. Trump, if you're reelected, what will you say in your inauguration?
Trump: BLACK. HISPANIC. WOMEN. ASIAN. MIT GRADUATES. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about, taxes, brb more rum. Says Biden will have the worst depression you've ever seen, which is ... now actually.
Biden: I will be an American president. Hope not fear. Science not fiction. We will make things better, systemic racism and the economy, clean energy. Decency, honor, respect, dignity. You haven't been getting it the last four years.
I don't know if this is enough. Smooth lie man didn't hardly yell at all and very much framed the issues (WITH LIES) and the gaslighting, my god the gaslighting.
AND WE'RE DONE. And Shy has just brought me another rum. LOL Jake Tapper: He didn't melt down like the first debate, he did lie like Pinocchio, we'll get Daniel Dale out here. Bless you Jake.
Now everybody give me money and GO TO BED, we'll have so much horrible shit to deal with tomorrow!
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