COVID-19 Is An Absolutely Terrible Plan For World Domination

Conspiracy theories

"What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" — "The same thing we do every night, Pinky ... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

We have all spent well over a year listening to conspiracy theorists refuse to do a single thing to reduce the spread of COVID-19, because they think it's part of a secret plan to test everyone's "compliance" level for future world domination plans, depopulate the earth, create a surveillance state, or just make everyone get the Mark of The Beast so Satan can take over the planet.

This is all ridiculous. Not just because it's not factually true, but because, quite frankly, it would be a terrible fucking plan if it were. If this is Bill Gates's evil plan, then Bill Gates isn't all that swift, and neither are those advising him in this venture.

Why would anyone in their right mind create a plan for world domination that involved vaccines, of all things? Poorly informed people have been freaking out about "vaccines cause autism!" since Jenny McCarthy started on her bullshit back in 2007, and they've been causing measles outbreaks for a decade in the process. Why not just come up with a plan involving Freemasons or moving people to FEMA camps for emergency purposes? That would be just as brilliant.


Similarly, many conservatives do not believe in climate change, or an earth that's older than 6,000 years old, and have absolutely no history of changing their minds based on what scientists or actual experts say. A plan for world domination that relies on them believing scientists would not be any kind of a success.

Are we to believe, also, that someone thought a great way to control Republicans, of all people, would be to appeal to their great sense of empathy? To ask them to sacrifice their own convenience so that more vulnerable people wouldn't die?

According to many of these people, the goal of this "plandemic" is "depopulation," but instead of killing people with the actual virus, they're gonna (twist!) do it with the vaccine. It's not terribly elegant, is it? Seems like you could probably skip a step there. .

The really annoying thing is that if someone really desperately wanted to control these people, it wouldn't be anywhere near as hard, complex, expensive, or inconvenient as faking an entire pandemic and inventing a fake vaccine. Cartoon mice could come up with a simpler plan than that. Hell, I could come up with a better plan than that.

I have no interest in taking over the world or forcing Trumpists into "compliance," mind you. The latter doesn't seem even mildly interesting. I'm just saying that if that were my goal, it would not be that hard to come up with a better plan than whatever the fuck it is they think Bill Gates is doing.

You want compliance? Tell the "patriots" (they love being called "patriots") that it would be incredibly selfish and cruel of them to do the exact thing you want them to do. Trumpists hoarded masks when they were told not to, because the masks were in short supply and people working in healthcare needed them. The second they became about protecting other people, they were out.

You want devotion? Give them a group of people to think they are better than, then tell them, "These people think they're better than you and they want to take a ton of non-specific freedoms away from you, because they hate you so much and want you to be sad!" Constantly encourage them to think the worst of these people, as well as pretty much anyone who is not in the group, and then, whenever those people say anything in retaliation, let all of the patriots know, "This is what they think of you!"

You wanna brainwash people? Also super easy. Come up with something so totally ridiculous that you cannot possibly imagine that anyone in their right mind would actually believe it, then claim there is a conspiracy devoted to making people not believe that ridiculous thing. Then, be unbelievably smug about it. Make videos of you hypothetically "destroying" people who don't believe in that ridiculous thing and looking so much smarter than all of them.

Songs are always an option.

Then tell the Trumpists or whomever that they're way smarter than all of the sheeple who don't believe the ridiculous thing, and that they will soon be vindicated, and all of those sheeple who doubted them will have to admit they were right all along.

This is the entire basis of literally every religion or cult. No one is going out and buying purple Nikes just to hang out with a bunch of people who don't think the Hale Bopp comet is coming to take them to the next level above human, okay?

You wanna "depopulate" the planet? Well, we'll just note here that people are already consuming actual poison, in lieu of COVID vaccines! Wonkette clearly does not endorse any of this!

But from oleander to bleach to Lysol to black salve (do not Google image search this) to amygdalin to horse medicine, these skeptics may not trust vaccines, but they sure as hell trust actual, literal poison. Why bother spending piles of money making a vaccine when you can just go through your utility closet and grab practically anything with a skull and crossbones on the label? Maybe get a guy to wear a sandwich board that says how awesome it is! (Again, Wonkette does not endorse any of this. Clearly.)

Tracking people, however, could be a little more difficult. Unless they carry a small device with them everywhere that can tell where they are at any given point in time. What that could possibly be, though, we cannot imagine. Guess there are some things you still need to slip in through a vaccine!

Most importantly, repeatedly congratulate all of your new followers on how amazing they are at thinking for themselves and doing their own research.

And if this is all too much effort, you can always just start a multi-level marketing company, helping people be their own Boss Babes by spending all of their savings on hideous leggings.

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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