Ohio Kooks Think COVID-19 Vaccine Will Give You Freaky Magnetic Powers Like That’s A Bad Thing

Conspiracy theories
Ohio Kooks Think COVID-19 Vaccine Will Give You Freaky Magnetic Powers Like That’s A Bad Thing

Ooh, boy, so the usual gang of idiots are promoting a conspiracy theory that the COVID-19 vaccine contains microchips or other metals that the government uses to track Americans. It's like a 25-year-old plot from the "X-Files," and Agent Scully was clued into the government's diabolical scheme after the metal detector at the FBI picked up the chip in her neck. Yes, because the shadowy government conspiracy never imagined that a person might someday walk through a goddamn metal detector.

The current anti-vaccine conspiracy has the same goofy plot hole. Videos have turned up on social media that appear to show vaccinated individuals who can now stick coins and refrigerator magnets to their arms. If true, that would've at least made them more employable. Why complain? Either the government never bothered with rigorous user experience testing for their evil Bill Gates vaccine, or the government never imagined people would get so bored they'd slap refrigerator magnets on their arms. Either way, it's a half-assed conspiracy.

Anti-vaccine “Doctor" Sherri Tenpenny, who's not an associate of James Bond, testified Tuesday about the magnetic conspiracy at an Ohio House Health Committee meeting. It's probably unfair to put “doctor" in quotes. She's an actual osteopathic physician, so I'm just gonna stop using the word “doctor."

During her spooky campfire tale, Tenpenny said:

I'm sure you've seen the pictures all over the internet of people who have had these shots and now they're magnetized. They can put a key on their forehead. It sticks. They can put spoons and forks all over them and they can stick, because now we think that there's a metal piece to that.

There's been people who have long suspected that there's been some sort of an interface, 'yet to be defined' interface, between what's being injected in these shots and all of the 5G towers.

Tenpenny even slapped her forehead to demonstrate how metallic items can stick there. She's an animated storyteller who believes in the scientific method as presented in X-Men comics. Republican Ohio state House members invited Tenpenny to testify as their expert witness on behalf of House Bill 248, which would prevent businesses or the government from requiring vaccination.

An anti-vaccine nurse also spoke out against the imaginary conspiracy. She was my favorite.

WACKJOB: By the way, I just found out something when I was on lunch, and I want to show it to you. You were talking about about Dr. Tenpenny's testimony about magnetic vaccine crystals, so this is what I found out. So I have a key and bobby pin here.

Nurse MacGyver pressed the key to her chest and demanded, “Explain to me how the key sticks to me!" The committee wasn't prepared to answer these philosophical conundrums, but it was rhetorical anyway. She quickly positioned the key against her neck. “It sticks to my neck, too!" she boasted before gravity starting fucking with her. “I got this!" she insisted. Maybe it worked in dress rehearsal. “Yeah, so if somebody could explain this, that would be great."

Unfortunately, this wasn't a psychotherapist convention with specialists from Vienna, so no one was able to explain what they'd just seen. A woman was seated to the nurse's left who wore a “Yes on HB 248" T-shirt. During the nurse's rant, she looks as if she's slowly realizing to her horror, “Oh my God, this is all bullshit! And I bought this T-shirt! I can't back out now. I'm in too deep!"

The Miami Herald actually fact-checked all this because that's where we are now as nation.

"No. Receiving a COVID-19 vaccine will not make you magnetic, including at the site of vaccination which is usually your arm," because they are all free of "metals such as iron, nickel, cobalt, lithium, and rare earth alloys, as well as any manufactured products such as microelectronics, electrodes, carbon nanotubes, and nanowire semiconductors" that can create an electromagnetic field, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said in an update last week.

"In addition, the typical dose for a COVID-19 vaccine is less than a milliliter," the agency said, "which is not enough to allow magnets to be attracted to your vaccination site even if the vaccine was filled with a magnetic metal."

Actual doctors, who probably had better things to do, watched the videos and concluded that the magnets and metal objects only appear to stick to people's arms because there's "tape attached behind them or they are secured with some water or spit." Making Tik-Tok videos where you spit on keys and stick them to your skin might seem a little childish and stupid, but then so is this whole anti-vaccine movement.

[Miami Herald / WFXRTV]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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