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Coward McCain Will (Maybe?) Show Up Tonight, So Here's Your Debate Drinking Game!

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Oh look a 'reason' to drink, tonight.Whew, that was close. Goofy old national joke John "Walnuts!" McCain had threatened to skip tonight's debate unless he, uh, solved the Financial Crisis. Luckily for us, the 500-year-old clown can't "keep his word" for more than a few minutes, so of course he'll be at the debate tonight, unless he changes his mind again, which happens often when you can't remember what you just said and have no idea what you're talking about, anyway. So, huzzah, we will get to drink on a Friday night after all! Get out your iPhone or whatever and make a shopping list, because it's time for Wonkette's Famous Debate Drinking Game!


RULES & DEREGULATIONS: "Drink" means a hit off your beer or wine, or a shot of spirits -- unless we specify what you are to drink. If you lack the specified spirit, just have two gulps of whatever you've got in your hand -- unless it's a penis in your hand. Save that for later: We are in a crisis. You may substitute whatever pills -- except vitamins -- or smoke your marijuana or whatever when the Game requires you to consume a specific pill. Generics are acceptable only if you can afford the name brand. "Thrift" is the new style for those with Health Care! (Or a good Rx dealer.)

Whenever John McCain says "My Friends":

Two drinks (or one shot), poke the breast of the person to your right and smile creepily.

When Barack Obama shakes his head with dignity:

Shake your own head with dignity, take the beverage from the person to your left, and tell them to go get you a new drink because you are not going to get AIDS from their backwash/lipstick.

When you see the black abyss of Jim Lehrer's lifeless eyes, which are lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes ....

Cross yourself, tell everybody you didn't know you were a Catholic, and chase a shot of whisky with a gulp of red wine.

When Lehrer first says that while he knows this was supposed to be a debate about Foreign Policy ....

Chug your entire beer or drain your glass and pour a shot for immediate consumption when he completes this with something along the lines of:

"But an extraordinary situation has developed within our financial system, something both of you know from your trip to the White House yesterday ...."

LIGHTNING ROUND:

When McCain says anything about his family:

Angrily drink half a beer or half a glass of wine and call your host a cunt.

When Obama stutters about some foreign-policy trick question probably about Israel:

Get on your knees, look to the East, and do a shot.

When McCain makes his first reference to being a prisoner of war:

Everybody get in a box and take a Vicodin.

At McCain's second reference to being a POW:

Two shots, punch the person next to you in the biceps, demand a confession.

Third POW reference:

Five-and-a-half shots.

PRESCRIPTION FOR (GREATEST) DEPRESSION:

When McCain tries to articulate his non-existent economic policy and/or bailout plan:

Fight your friends for change under the couch cushions, pass around a joint because who can afford fancy store-bought booze anymore?

When Obama acknowledges that the financial crisis may limit the amount of Hope and Change his administration can afford:

Immediately finish off the best bottle of liquor in the house, because who the hell is ever going to see that again.

When McCain is unable to remember either the number of mansions, number of cars or number of millions he (and Cindy) own:

One Ambien, chased with one shot, followed with Metamucil dumped in a gin & tonic.

McCain actually has a muppet (probably Beaker) pop up next to him and do the talking:

Everybody do three lines of coke, take off your clothes and GET IN THE TANK.

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Well, goddamn it, a wonderful person we'd never heard of until last night is dead. Lyra McKee was 29, an investigative journalist who specialized in looking at the legacy of "the Troubles" in Northern Ireland. She was murdered by someone shooting at police during rioting in Derry, or perhaps Londonderry, depending on who you want to piss off by using either name for the city. The rioting broke out after police "started carrying out searches in the area because of concerns that militant republicans were storing firearms and explosives" in advance of attacks planned to mark the anniversary of the 1916 Easter Rising. Police are blaming the violence and McKee's death on the "New Irish Republican Army," a radical republican group formed a few years ago from several smaller groups. Despite the name, the group has no ties to the old Provisional Irish Republican Army, which renounced violence and disarmed in 2005 following the 1998 Good Friday Agreement, which was supposed to have brought peace to Northern Ireland, and kind of did, at least much of the time.

McKee is being remembered by colleagues and readers as a promising journalist who was expected to go far. A year ago, McKee signed a two-book deal with Faber & Faber; the first of the books, The Lost Boys, an investigation of eight young men who disappeared in Belfast during the Troubles in the '60s and '70s, will be published next year. A 2016 Forbes profile said "McKee's passion is to dig into topics that others don't care about." For instance, CNN reports, McKee spent five years investigating a story about the only rape crisis center in Northern Ireland and its long struggle to regain funding after the government eliminated it.

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