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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today, but first, a little silly Olympic nice time!


Upon hearing the first shots at MSD high school, the sheriff's deputy assigned to the school took a defensive position outside of the building instead of attempting to confront the shooter. We're not blaming the dude! But also COME ON.

After watching some kid tell Tucker Carlson about a "script" a CNN producer wanted him to read, Trump spent last night shitposting on Twitter and blaming everyone and everything except guns for mass shootings.

Most DC-area schools are punishing students who protested against gun violence. This way they'll learn that actions have consequences (unless, of course, you sell guns).

Robert Mueller filed new charges against Paul Manafort and Rick Gates over bogus loans and tax fuckery that goes back years. Now it looks like Manafort and Gates will either flip, or spend the rest of their lives in prison.

CPAC is bringing together the GOP faithful, like wingnuts, gun fetishists, white supremacists and conspiracy creeps -- the same jerks the Republican party tried to hide for decades.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre gave a fire and brimstone speech that blamed gun violence on the "legacy media," socialists, Europe, the FBI, the IRS, anti-fascists, the Occupy movement, Black Lives Matter, philanthropists, Democratic politicians, sanctuary cities, the Internet, young people, kaiju, the Spanish Inquisition, flatulence, and erectile dysfunction.

Trump's CPAC speech will be another blood-soaked, red meat MAGA orgy and feature an announcement about North Korea.

Hannity railed against the MSD survivors and CNN (again) for stuffing its town hall full of gun violence victims. Later, his bloodthirsty CPAC panel gutted Geraldo for having the balls to mention gun control in front of Dana Loesch.

The House Oversight committee wants Scott Pruitt's receipts for all his fancy first-class flights, and Trey Gowdy (of all people) is leading the charge.

The Department of Education has reluctantly released reports on the American Bar Association and the Accrediting Council for Independent Colleges and Schools made during the Obama administration that accused both agencies of favoring for-profit schools and having lax accreditation standards. Betsy DeVos is going to be so mad!

Teachers unions are getting ready to throw down in the public school playground now that Betsy DeVos is the public face to punch for pushing charter schools, and the teachers are promising to beat the snot out of anyone who stands against poor students.

Steve Mnuchin is nervously telling the peons on Wall Street that the market will calm down, so they should stop panicking about rising inflation and the multi-trillion dollars of unsustainable federal debt. Everything is going to be just fine.

A new report details how a combination of global trade and robotic expansion are actually taking all the jobs away from flyover country, not Obamacare, immigrants, or communists.

New York Democratic Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand wants Senate leadership to man-the-fuck-up on sexual harassment policy by either putting a stand-alone bill on the floor, or including it in the next government spending bill.

The K Street crowd is freaking out over a provision in the new defense bill that would bar high-ranking civilian and ex-military members from lobbying for two years.

Trump's lawyer Jay Sekulow has become a wanna-be Rush Limbaugh by using his satellite radio show to shittalk the "stink and stench" being dug up by Robert Mueller.

Paul Ryan has essentially fired the chief cyber security official helping states safeguard their election systems from Russian fuckery for the 2018 and 2020 elections. Apparently the Speaker decided to go in a "different direction," and hire one of his own folks.

The House will cancel votes on Wednesday and Thursday so that religious nuts can "honor" the late racist anti-semite Rev. Billy Graham in the Capitol Rotunda.

John Kasich is golly-gee-whizzing a 2020 primary challenge to Donald Trump, so don't be surprised, gosh-darn it, if you see him pop up on teevee rolling pebbles under his penny loafers.

Shannon Edwards, the mistress of former Republican Rep. Tim Murphy, announced a congressional run to challenge Pennsylvania Democratic Rep. Mike Doyle. Edwards is claiming that her affair with Murphy gives her policy experience.

Missouri's racist Republican governor Eric Greitens has been arrested and indicted on charges of felony invasion of privacy for trying to blackmail his mistress with booby pictures of her tied up in his basement.

Wisconsin Republican Gov. Scott Walker had a "wake up call" and says he wants to pump $200 million into the state's failing Obamacare markets so that health insurers don't spike the price of premiums. In a crude twist of irony, this will also force Washington to preserve Obamacare provisions.

A 74-year-old Texas rancher and lawyer has given the Texas Rangers and Customs and Border Patrol a chapped ass after he filed a lawsuit upon finding a hidden camera illegally placed his property by agents who regularly trespass on his land while hunting Messicans.

The Russian oligarch known as "Putin's Chef" is believed to be controlling Russian mercenaries in Syria, and has reportedly been taking orders from the Kremlin. He is the same man who was indicted by Robert Mueller last week.

Trump will meet with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull at the White House later today. Coincidentally, both head conservative governments that are on the verge of collapse due to scandals they themselves helped create. They're supposed to talk about trade and infrastructure.

Your secret Not American hetero boyfriend Justin Trudeau is on a tour of India right now, upstaging Bollywood stars and looking so fabulous that India's elite are telling Trudeau to "stop trying so hard." Maybe he should sell them condos with he dad's name on them?

The FCC finally clarified that we still have full net neutrality protections until April 23, but we're still waiting on the OMB to allow corporate Internet fuckery. Meanwhile, some states are trying to cement net neutrality into law.

Back in 2014 and 2015, the Russian government REALLY needed some 1337 haxorz to destabilize Ukraine, so the Russians simply posted some ads on the Internet and waited for local tech savvy teens and twenty-somethings to show up to become government-sponsored cyber soldiers.

Here's some NPR story time about how Russia was able to trick a bunch of grumpy olds in Florida into protesting Hillary Clinton in a rubber mask.

A California sportsball team that declined to kiss Trump's ring is headed to DC today to play ball with kids.

And here's your morning Nice Time!

Freedom isn't free, but 'Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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