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Screengrab from trailer for FBI Lovebirds: Undercover, which IS TOO a real play.

Fire up your bathing suit regions, CPAC, because for the first time ever, you are going to get a theatrical drama sexxx show!

That's right, one night only, get your tickets now, or get your tickets at the door, or drop some quarters in a guitar case to see if you can get the actors to do it again later at 10 the next morning in the parking lot, because Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson (Wingnut TV Superman and Original-Not-As-Good-As-The-TV-Version Buffy) will be bringing their surely Tony-worthy performance of Secret Boner Society In My Pants: The Musical! to the Broadway stage Off Broadway stage off the highway next to the rest stop stage CPAC stage on Friday, February 27!

OK maybe that is not the real title, but we wanted to say that one because ours is better. Actually it is called FBI Lovebirds: Undercover, and it is not a musical, but rather just a dramatic reading of the texts and congressional testimonies of former FBI officials Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who are definitely absolutely Public Enemy No. 1 to the MAGA dipshit set, because of how they sent some texts while in the employ of the FBI that indicated they may not personally like Donald Trump very much. Also they were boning, extramaritally.


But they said INSURANCE POLICY! And they said SECRET SOCIETY! And they were OBVIOUSLY JOKING, but Sean Hannity didn't get it and world's dumbest GOP US Senator Ron Johnson didn't get it, and the real reason Donald Trump probably hates them so much and decided to ruin their lives is that Strzok is an expert on catching Russian spies and Russian espionage in general, and Page is an expert on tracking down Russian money laundering and other mob crimes, and specifically helped put together the FBI's case against reportedly Russian-mob-adjacent Ukrainian oligarch Dmitry Firtash. (HUH. WONDER IF THAT'S RELEVANT RIGHT NOW.)

Let's see how Politico describes this dramatic feat of theatrical strength:

Labeled by Politico as "Hamilton for the MAGA crowd" ...

It's like a Beethoven symphony ... MADE OUT OF FARTS.

Indeed, the trailer for this heartwrenching sex thriller play seems to be what inspired Donald Trump to fake a Lisa Page orgasm on stage during a rally recently, if Fox News is to be believed, so if it sent Trump's Yeti Pubes standing up on end, you can bet the play is very classy!

Let's hear what Swanson has to say about it, so we can take a mean swipe at her afterward:

"Acting in films and television for the last 40 years has been a great joy. I have wholeheartedly enjoyed the process of doing a play. Performing in front of a live audience has been an exciting new experience and challenge for me. Lisa Page was a bad actor in her role at the FBI. It is not easy having to play a bad actor," Swanson said.

Oh, it shouldn't be that hard for you, Ms. Swanson. Just summon the artistic brilliance that earned you all those Oscar and Emmy and Tony nominations, what's that? You don't have any of those? Our bad.

Let's hear from the play's creator, wingnut filmmaker Phelim McAleer, AKA the hottest filmmaker you've never heard of and never will again after this blog post:

"Don't forget this is completely verbatim -- using only the texts and congressional testimony of Strzok and Page. Though [through] these private communications we see that they said the 'Russia collusion' investigation was started as an 'Insurance policy' in case Trump gets elected," McAleer said.

Huh. That's not what the IG report said about the beginnings of the Russia investigation. Maybe they can invite IG Michael Horowitz to the play, so he can learn shit.

Do you want to watch the trailer? No? OK, well then we won't put it here.

Instead we will just put this snippet from Dean Cain's Wikipedia, as it was during the writing of this post, because we imagine the funny part will be edited away very soon for being too true:

Cain will star in a play at the Conservative Political Action Committee [...] called "FBI Lovebirds: Undercover," which will mock two dedicated public servants for an extramarital affair, while Cain and the other CPAC attendees will look the other way about president Trump's many affairs with porn stars and the many women who have stated that Trump has sexually harassed them.

We just hope Cain and Swanson can get off their shifts at Ross Dress For Less to make it to their big performance on time.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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