Crazy Old Man Yells At Clouds In Valdosta, Georgia

Trump

Donald Trump emerged Saturday from his personal Groundhog's Day where it's forever November 3. He traveled to Georgia, which Joe Biden flipped on his ass, and headlined a rally on behalf of Republican Senators and (alleged) insider-trading comedy duo David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler.

There was an open question as to whether Trump would stay on message and focus on encouraging Republican turnout for next month's Senate runoff or would he continue to cry fraud and claim he "won" an election he lost because of democracy and math? This wasn't an especially smart question, but Republicans keep holding out hope that Trump would suddenly become a less overtly fascist standard bearer for their corrupt party.

Leading up to Saturday's rally, Trump kept working on his jacklegged coup. He personally phoned Republican Governor Brian Kemp and demanded that he convene a special legislative session and convince state lawmakers to choose their own electors who'd support him instead of Biden, who's actually won the state an embarrassingly number of times so far in recounts. Trump's tried to overturn the election results through the courts but has failed because his deranged fraud charges lack any “evidence," which as I understand from watching “Law & Order" reruns is important.


According to a source, Kemp told President Sore Loser he couldn't help him — presumably before pretending he was a prank caller — because he lacked the authority to end the American experiment and plunge the country into Civil War. Also, Georgia's 16 electoral votes aren't enough for Trump to remain in office. He'd have to knock over Pennsylvania, as well.

Trump tweeted the following unhinged gibberish Saturday:

"I will easily & quickly win Georgia if Governor @BrianKempGA or the Secretary of State permit a simple signature verification. Has not been done and will show large scale discrepancies. Why are these two "Republicans" saying no? If we win Georgia, everything else falls in place!"

Georgia has verified signatures of absentee ballots twice already. The state can't do so again because of the whole “secret ballot" thing. There are no “large-scale discrepancies." Trump's just a mad dog now, clutching at straws if canines possessed the motor skills to clutch things.

Twitter

Trump continued the Twitter slap fight with Kemp for most of the day, insisting without evidence that he won more LEGAL votes and at one point complaining that Kemp and Arizona Governor Doug Ducey didn't do enough to fix the election for him. Even a career gangster isn't going to jump off the couch to join your poorly planned, daylight liquor store robbery.

Thousands of idiots showed up with their faces hanging out for President Lame Duck's rally Saturday night. Kemp and Loeffler were the opening acts everyone goes to the bathroom during, and they tried to straddle the line between normal Republican lies and Trump's never-never land fantasies. They'll provide a Senate "firewall" against socialism and Negro mobs, because every Democrat in the Senate is an original member of Public Enemy. Of course, if their audience has a basic command of math, which isn't a sure bet, these people might wonder why a firewall is necessary if Vice President Kamala Harris isn't the tie-breaking vote in the Senate.

Trump's performance at the rally was what anyone not in perpetual denial would've expected. He insisted he won Georgia, which is only true in the sense that, in the end, haven't we all won Georgia? He attacked Kemp and implied Stacey Abrams had gotten to him.

There was even more racism, but it was lazier than usual, like when the once-popular band can't wait until the encore to play their biggest hit. They know their new material is crap. At one point, he watched with the audience a Newsmax clip of debunked “voter fraud." It was like one of those weird, self-indulgent meta moments during U2's Zoo TV tour.

Melania Trump was the rally's special guest villain, because what else is she going to do? She praised Trump's record on the economy, because she's certainly enjoyed full employment during her marriage if not the best working conditions.

Trump boasted about the 74 million fools who voted for him while refusing to accept that seven million more people voted for Biden. He claimed illegal votes for Biden came out of nowhere, from ceilings and even leather suitcases, like poorly packed fake ballots.

TRUMP: They're trying to convince us that we lost. We didn't lose.

President Crazy Pants knows nothing about the American electoral process, but fortunately I happen to have Willy Wonka right here:

Trump's remarks were so disconnected from observable reality they should've passed around a collection plate. Of course, Trump has bilked his faithful followers out of more than $200 million since the election he LOST, and he's only spent $8.8 million on all that savvy legal maneuvering from Rudy Giuliani and Jenna Ellis.

We used to count down the days to the election. Now, we're counting down the days until the inauguration. Then I'll count down the days until Trump's dragged back to hell. Sorry, Satan, I know it's been a relatively pleasant 74 years so far.

[CNN]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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