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Matt Gaetz, America's creepiest GOP Trump-humping congressman, and definitely one of the dumbest, had a thought on Tuesday. (And for once it wasn't about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.)

Gaetz, who is on the House Judiciary Committee because we guess that's the best the GOP has to offer, was in the first hearing for the Equality Act, which would codify LGBT civil rights protections into law -- finally -- and it's not that he doesn't want to support it. He does!


"I want to support this legislation and in the broadest sense I do," Gaetz said. "I believe that individuals in our country should not face discrimination for their sex or their gender or their sexual orientation."

But, you see, well ... did we mention Matt Gaetz is an incredibly stupid person? He's incredibly stupid. And he has zero understanding of the science around gender identity, and much like religious right fuckstains believe women get pleasure abortions in the ninth month just to stick it to Bible-beaters, he apparently also believes that people will use protections for transgender people to cheat the system, declaring new genders all willy nilly, whenever they find that it will suit their purposes or help them get ahead.

"I strongly support the rights of transgender individuals," he continued. "I will not denigrate or deny their struggles. But I am concerned about the potential bad actors who would exploit the provisions for their own gain."

And it's not just liberals he thinks are going to do this (though we imagine he guesses it's mostly liberals). It could even be noted Bad Actor Donald Trump! Who might fake transgender! (He would be the most tremendous transgender person ever! A lot of people would be talking about it! Historic!) What if Donald Trump just got up one morning and started making presidential proclamations on Twitter about how he enjoys being a girl? Wouldn't that kind of bogart breaking the glass ceiling for the first woman to be elected president? AND HOW WOULD THAT BE FAIR?


If President Trump were to say, 'I'm am now the first female president,' who would celebrate that? Would those who support the legislation think that's a good thing or would they be dismayed?

That's right, trans people, you can't have rights because Matt Gaetz is JUST WONDERING.

And TBH, if that did happen, Republicans like Matt Gaetz and his pals are so far up Trump's ass they'd probably become the world's biggest trans advocates all of a sudden, but they'd do it in some weird obstructionist way that mysteriously manages to glorify Vladimir Putin, so it would ultimately be a big step backward for trans equality.

As far as the rest of us who support the Equality Act -- you know, for actual LGBT citizens -- we think we'd have a couple few problems with Trump doing that. Would Trump go so far as to fake gender dysphoria in order to shove in Hillary Clinton's face that she wasn't the first woman president, but rather that Trump was?

Oh God we have more questions.

What would he name himself? (Yes, we're going to continue using "he," and it is NOT misgendering, because as Matt Gaetz has so helpfully pointed out, HE is FAKING.)

Would he be sexist toward himself, constantly?

Would he grab himself by the pussy all the time, because he just couldn't control himself, and he'd let himself, because he's a celebrity, and celebrities can get away with that kind of thing?

Would he get Michael Cohen to set up a porn slush fund to pay himself to stay silent about how he cheated on his wife (again) with himself?

Would he invite himself over to fuck himself, while his wife was home nursing their newborn, but instead of fucking himself he'd just bellyache the whole time about how sharks are scary, because Shark Week was on the TV?

If he rejected himself, would he get mad and call himself a "horseface" on Twitter?

We are just curious about these things, and about what happened to make Matt Gaetz such a gross idiot. What kinda drugs has he been mainlining (allegedly!), and did Louie Gohmert give them to him? So many questions.

[Crooks & Liars]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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