Crooked Mikey, LOCK HIM UP. Wonkagenda For Fri., May 11, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

AT&T says that its $600,000 bribe deal with Michael Cohen was for advice on how to navigate their merger with Time Warner. Sure.

Michael Avenatti is ALREADY tweeting some new shit about Michael Cohen this morning. DRIP, DRIP, DRIP!

Rudy Giuliani was quit-fired from his law firm last week after running his big mouth on Hannity. HHAAAAAAAAA

Trey Gowdy put Devin Nunes on a leash and walked him to a meeting with the officials from the DOJ, FBI, and the Office of the Director of National Intelligence where somebody put a muzzle on Nunes, and warned him to stop being a bitch.

Here's all the pro-Trump Russian ads Facebook ran in 2016, including how many rubles they paid, and their data metrics. And here's emergency kittens.

While jerking himself off in Mike Pence's back yard, Trump mused that he might not make a good deal in North Korea, but at least he didn't have to pay for any hostages. He also praised a New England sportsball team ( Indiana...), and half-assed a photo op with the Republican Senate candidate, Mike Braun.

In a new interview with NPR, John Kelly revealed that he's a racist dickhead who doesn't like immigrants because they're all stupid poors who don't speak English.

Later today Trump will bring his trade war to your medicine cabinet with a new scheme to lower drug costs by making them more expensive overseas, and curbing regulations on generic pharmaceuticals. How this will lower drug costs is still a mystery.

HHS is in a row over Native American tribal sovereignty as Native Americans are forced into jobs to receive healthcare. There are treaties about this. It's law. Oh well.

When Scott Pruitt flew first class to the Vatican he had a VERY fancy dinner with a climate denier and ALLEGED pedophile, even though his staff WARNED him. The alleged child molester was kept off all the calendars they released.

DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen admits that she almost quit the other day after Trump bitched her out for not breaking apart more immigrant families, but the DHS spox (apparently) didn't get that memo.

Fearing an election year free-for-all, Paul Ryan has been strong arming the Freedom crazies and bullshitting the moderates so nobody forces a vote for immigration reform under the "queen-of-the-hill" rule.

The number of students from Not American "shithole countries" coming to the US has declined over fears that Trump's boogeymen could kidnap kids in their dorms. [Archive]

Chuck Grassley's refusal to retire is angering people who think the old coot should stop telling SCOTUS judges to quit.

During a closed door meeting of White House comms staffers, aide Kelly Sadler mused about Sen. John McCain's failure to vote for Gina Haspel, "It doesn't matter, he's dying anyway."

One respected political fortune teller is out with new data casting doubt on how much of the country will be flooded with the "blue wave," noting that Democrats will probably take the House, BUT there's still a lot of work to be done between now and November!

Here's the 10 most vulnerable Senators this year, and how they stack up to past elections.

HEY, LADIES! The FEC will allow candidates to use campaign cash for child care on the grounds that not allowing such a move could "discourage young mothers from seeking elective office, and deprive parents of ordinary means of the opportunity to serve." #Vagenda

Shortly after he started working for then-gubernatorial hopeful Eric Greitens, a campaign staffer was given a fundraising list of donors and told to start hauling in money. They made it rain so hard that some donors discussed forming nonprofits to hide how much cash they were giving to Greitens.

While Trump brags about releasing North Korean hostages, his pullout of the JCPOA has endangered the lives of two Americans, aged 46 and 81, currently being held in Iran under vague charges of espionage. Thanks, Trump.

The US is slapping additional sanctions on Iranian businesses and officials accused of running an illegal currency exchange to the Quds Force via front companies, and Europe is fucking pissed because they just signed several billion dollar agreements with Iran to sell airplanes and cars.

Poor Jared Kushner! After being increasingly sidelined, Jared won't even be able to participate in the christening of the new US embassy Jerusalem; he even had to ask for permission to go on the field trip with the big kids.

The Pentagon has released a report by US AFRICOM investigators that finds the four US Army Green Berets killed in Niger was the result of a failed capture/kill mission for a local insurgent leader, not "cowboy shit," and notes military brass (*cough*Trump*cough*) screwed the pooch when talking with the public about the SNAFU. [NPR Audio]

The US embassy in Moscow wants American businesses to go to Russia's super fancy St. Petersburg Economic Forum, despite all the sanctions we have on Russia. WEIRD! [Archive]

New documents show that Russian politico Alexander Torshin has been ingratiating himself with conservatives in the US since 2009, including Sarah Palin, but things really ramped up in 2016. Do you think Torshin and Palin could see other's houses?

HuffPo has a curiously shitty story about toilets in a National Park getting sullied by the Russian sanctions.

Glorious leader of free world Russian President Vladimir Putin score five goal in hockey match! Other team blown by Putin's grace, speed, and skill!

Sean Hannity is a slumlord who employs property managers that kick out poor folks for minor infractions, like a double amputee who was late on rent due to hospitalization.

Jared and Ivanka want to buy a new house in DC because the current $5.5 million house they're renting (like some common millennials) just isn't enough.

As Dame Peggington awoke, she could scarcely remember her last hangover. Several lipstick-stained wine glasses lay strewn about; thankfully the oriental rug remained unsullied. She poured a thimble of uncorked gin into her tea (for health) and mused over her cocktail napkin scribblings from the night before. Ken Langone, the co-founder of Home Depot, had lamented the socialist youth and their leader, Bernard Sanders, for decrying capitalism. Langone, long a champion of the destruction of the social safety net, reminisced on his days as a grocery store clerk and was flummoxed why anyone should have trouble finding a job. Why, one need only look at Home Depot, with its hot dogs and non-English speaking day laborers living in perpetual fear of incarceration and deportation, to see that the American Dream is still alive. [Archive]

Europe's strict data privacy laws go into effect later this month, but the outcome could reshape the way the tech companies do business in America too. [Archive]

Trump's White House isn't touching AI development seeing as how Wall Street thinks robots can make day traders shitloads of money. Screw flying cars and lightsabers, CREAM! [Archive]

And here's your morning Nice Time! Sichuan Takin Babies! THEY'RE SO FUZZY!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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