Cry, Nazi! Cryyyyyyy!
Nowhere near as good as the Andy Kaufman bit where the sobs turn into a calypso song.
You may have already seen the viral video of poor Christopher Cantwell, the Sniffling Nazi. If you haven't, here, come meet Christopher Cantwell, the Sniffling Nazi. He is a big-time rightwing presence on the interwebs who the SPLC says has a call-in talk show for fascist dudes, and is also an aspiring standup comedian, although he probably doesn't have the stones to actually handle a tough crowd. But it's good to have goals, and now that he's become infamous as the Sniffling Nazi, if he ever gets an HBO or Netflix special, he's got a title ready to go: Crying is Easy. Comedy is Hard. He'd better credit Wonkette though, or we'll sue him right into another teary panic.
He's enough of a Big Deal that he was even featured on the not-at-all Nazi-ish poster for the "Unite the Right" rally in Charlottesville last weekend, though he wasn't right up top:
Most normal human Americans had never heard of Mr. Cantwell -- OK, most still haven't, but more know him now -- before he appeared in two videos following the violence in Charlottesville. In Vice News's terrific coverage of the march, Cantwell can be seen talking about how ready he is for whatever the Enemy might throw at him, because he is an alpha tough-guy male with a gun and the shield of his beliefs, which will prevail. He told Vice News reporter Elle Reeve, “We’re not non-violent, we’ll fucking kill these people if we have to" and went on to say he was pretty stoked that one of the asshats who marched with the Nazibros had killed Heather Heyer by smashing his car into a crowd of counter-demonstrators:
“I’d say it was worth it,” he said. “The fact that nobody on our side died, I’d go ahead and call that points for us… I think a lot more people are going to die here.”
He shows up at several points in the video; we've cued up the first, then he's also whining about how he's being all lawful and stuff (they had a PERMIT!) at 6:35 and elsewhere.
Oh, but once he found out there was a warrant out for his arrest, Mr. Big Tough White Nationalist went into hiding and posted the video for which he will truly become famous, with all the sobbing and choking up and sniffling:
The poor lad is practically shitting his pants.
I want to be peaceful, I want to be law-abiding, okay? That was the whole entire point of this. And I’m watching CNN talk about this as violent, white nationalist protest -- we have done everything in our power to keep this peaceful. I know we can talk a lot of shit on the internet [...] Every step of the way, we have tried to do the right thing. And they just won't stop! We have used every peaceful and lawful means by which to redress our grievances, and our enemies just will not stop.
The poor thing says he was assaulted, and that "Chelsea Manning, this Tranny fanatic" had even posted a "picture of himself -- [sneer] herself! -- talking about curb-stomping Nazis!" Gosh, someone posted a violent fantasy on the Internet? Must not have been in the Wonkette comments, that's for sure. "What options do we have left?" he wants to know. Maybe don't shitpost about the joys of genocide and you won't have people shitposting about wanting to genocide you? It's a thought.
Also, we learn that Christopher Cantwell the Sniffling Nazi was especially terrified during the torchlit parade at the University of Virginia because the mean liberals there wouldn't let him carry a gun, so he was especially twitchy, and that's why he had to hit some people. He offers to let law enforcement come and pick him up, and admits to any cops that he is armed, but sobs he wants to give up peacefully: "I’m terrified you’re going to kill me, I really am."
"I honestly believe I've been law abiding, and I've been engaged in violence, I have, there's no question about it," the pensive oppressed fella sniffs. But it was "done in defense of myself and others," so it's all OK!
Since the video went viral, Cantwell the Sniffling Nazi has had to do some 'splaining about how he's no coward, writing on social media, "Please be careful. I’m willing to fight and die with you. I’m not a coward. But we are not prepared for the conflict we are about to walk into."
He also complained on his personal website that he's bein' oppressed just for having an opinion, and Facebook and PayPal and Twitter have suspended his accounts (for TOS violations because The Jews) and whatever happened to the First Amendment, huh?
I have had no trial, no process of any kind, I have only been crucified by Jewish media and financial outlets for daring to suggest white people have a right to exist, to have a history, to have a culture, and to have a nation.
It's a tough old world out there for Whine Nationalists, always being attacked by antifa thugs who violently locked arms and wouldn't let Nazis crash through a line of clergy locking their way into the park, even though the Nazis had a permit.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.