Tanned, ready, and drunk as fuck John Boehner is sooooo Mr. Sensitive Male -- the Alan Alda of the House of Representatives, really -- with all of his delicate feelings and all of his Merlot-flavored tears. So why is Boehner crying today? Did he break a nail? Get a tear in his stockings? Get dumped by someone he thought was really The One? Oh, no, he is crying because being interviewed for the Golf Channel -- THE GOLF CHANNEL, PEOPLE! -- really moves him a whole lot. To tears:

I want to make sure every kid has the same chance that I did. An opportunity --

And then his voice cracks, and his eyes fill up with tears, because Boehner is a fucking crybaby who cries about every fucking thing, all the time.

• Like that time he cried about he was born the son of a poor barkeep, but now look at him, all accomplished n stuff. Sob.
• And that time he cried when he received the Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award, for not having any abortions on his vagina. Weep.
• And that time he cried on election night in 2010, because talkin' ’bout America really chokes him up. Sniff sniff.
• And that time he cried about Australia, for some reason.
• And that time he cried at the Taco Bell Foundation for Teens shindig, because teens. Or maybe because hot sauce.
• And that time he cried after Nancy Pelosi called him a fucking crybaby, for crying all the time, and good god, she certainly doesn't cry all the time like that, because she has a job to do and there aren't enough hours in the day to cry as much as Boehner does, GOOD GAWD. (OK, we don't know if that actually made him cry, but we'd assume so.)

Anyway, for some reason, it is fine and dandy for Boehner to cry all the time, and no one says it means he is too emotional or hormonal or double-x-chromosome-having to hold office, because he's a man (sort of), so his tears are supposed to be charming or endearing or some kind of made up sexist bullshit, ugh, fuck you, patriarchy.

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Oh, and also, dear taxpayers of America, you'll be thrilled to know that you're paying our Weeper of the House a nice six-figure salary to play with his toy monkey all day long. No, we are not kidding you. He actually says, "This is what I do all day," with his toy monkey on his lap, FOR REAL. So at least that's money well spent, yay America!

[TPM]