Tanned, ready, and drunk as fuck John Boehner is sooooo Mr. Sensitive Male -- the Alan Alda of the House of Representatives, really -- with all of his delicate feelings and all of his Merlot-flavored tears. So why is Boehner crying today? Did he break a nail? Get a tear in his stockings? Get dumped by someone he thought was really The One? Oh, no, he is crying because being interviewed for the Golf Channel -- THE GOLF CHANNEL, PEOPLE! -- really moves him a whole lot. To tears:

I want to make sure every kid has the same chance that I did. An opportunity --

And then his voice cracks, and his eyes fill up with tears, because Boehner is a fucking crybaby who cries about every fucking thing, all the time.

  • Like that time he cried about he was born the son of a poor barkeep, but now look at him, all accomplished n stuff. Sob.
  • And that time he cried when he received the Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award, for not having any abortions on his vagina. Weep.
  • And that time he cried on election night in 2010, because talkin' ’bout America really chokes him up. Sniff sniff.
  • And that time he cried about Australia, for some reason.
  • And that time he cried at the Taco Bell Foundation for Teens shindig, because teens. Or maybe because hot sauce.
  • And that time he cried after Nancy Pelosi called him a fucking crybaby, for crying all the time, and good god, she certainly doesn't cry all the time like that, because she has a job to do and there aren't enough hours in the day to cry as much as Boehner does, GOOD GAWD. (OK, we don't know if that actually made him cry, but we'd assume so.)

Anyway, for some reason, it is fine and dandy for Boehner to cry all the time, and no one says it means he is too emotional or hormonal or double-x-chromosome-having to hold office, because he's a man (sort of), so his tears are supposed to be charming or endearing or some kind of made up sexist bullshit, ugh, fuck you, patriarchy.

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Oh, and also, dear taxpayers of America, you'll be thrilled to know that you're paying our Weeper of the House a nice six-figure salary to play with his toy monkey all day long. No, we are not kidding you. He actually says, "This is what I do all day," with his toy monkey on his lap, FOR REAL. So at least that's money well spent, yay America!


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Video screenshot, CBS 4 Miami

The mass murders at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut, and at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, are still killing people. Two survivors of Parkland killed themselves in the past week, and this morning, the body of the father of one of the Sandy Hook children was found in Newtown. And something like 35,800 guns will be sold today, if 2019 stats are comparable to 2018 sales figures. But cheer up -- without Barack Obama scaring everyone with his promise to take all the guns, that's down 16 percent from the highest gun sales in history in 2016. Then again, despite the lower gun sales, there were nearly 40,000 deaths caused with firearms in 2018. It was the third record year in a row. We're Number One.

The news has been just horrifying. On March 17, Sydney Aiello, 19, who'd been on campus at Stoneman Douglas the day of the 2018 massacre, killed herself. She'd been a close friend of one of the girls who died in the shooting, and had been diagnosed with PTSD, according to her mother. She had started college but found it hard to just to sit in classrooms because of her fears that a gunman might burst in. Then, this weekend, another Stoneman Douglas student, a male sophomore, as yet unidentified, killed himself -- like Ms. Aiello, with a gun.

Today, police in Newtown found the body of Jeremy Richman, a neuropharmacologist and the father of Avielle Richman, who was only 6 years old when she was one of the 20 children and six adults murdered at Sandy Hook in 2012. Richman and his wife, Jennifer Hensel, had founded a nonprofit to research the neurological problems that might lead to violent behavior. The foundation had an office in the complex where Richman's body was found. The couple were also among the Sandy Hook parents suing Alex Jones for spreading the false conspiracy theory that the Sandy Hook massacre was faked as part of a plot to take all the precious guns away.

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