Cummer Never Ends: DiFatta, Craig, and the Oral Roberts Cougar
It's October, so why is it still so goddamn hot? And why are politicians still getting busted for perversions and sexcapades? Is this Cummer truly Endless? Or is this merely -- as one of you commenters probably coined back in some long-ago post (this one?) -- an Indian Cummer?* After the jump, join us in taking a quick glance at Cocktober's Long, Long Tail -- starring that Louisiana Bathroom Goblin, Gay Escorts, and, uh, something called an "Oral Roberts."
This afternoon we briefly introduced you to Joey DiFatta. He is Republican Parish Council Chairman from Louisiana, so obviously he was ten kinds of corrupt and perverted. But also totally unoriginal! He was questioned by cops for "lewd behavior" twice, in bathrooms. He even tapped his damn toes! Unlike Larry Craig, though, he wasn't arrested, because this was in Louisiana and not uptight Minnesota.
"If I had done something wrong, I would have been arrested," said DiFatta. "I was not. I will deny that I was involved in any activity of that nature."
So naturally he has dropped out of a State Senate race. Because of his elevated enzyme levels. We don't know what that means -- is gayness caused by enzymes now?
And, ha ha, speaking of Larry Craig -- yes, MIKE JONES has just declared that he and Senator Water Closeted go way, way back. Maybe Mark Foley is involved too! Why not? Anything's possible if you believe in Cummer Magic. Maybe Brent Wilkes and David Vitter hired Patrick McHenry to pleasure them at the Watergate while Patrick Kennedy took a bunch of Ambien and crashed the party bus into Duke Cunningham's boat!
Or hell maybe they threw their party at Oral Roberts University, where apparently anything goes.
The nutty Oklahoma "college" is currently run by President Richard Roberts, son of founder Oral. He's also the chief embezzler of the school's funds, using it for home remodeling, jet trips for his daughter, and fueling his wife Lindsay's outrageous lifestyle.
She is accused of dropping tens of thousands of dollars on clothes, awarding nonacademic scholarships to friends of her children and sending scores of text messages on university-issued cell phones to people described in the lawsuit as "underage males."
Mrs. Roberts also fired people so her boytoys could have their jobs. And, uh, somehow managed to make attending Oral Roberts sound fun, which is the real scandal here. Well, not fun, maybe. But entertaining! Of course, fucking the wife of you school's president is more "Albee play entertaining" than "Wii Bowling entertaining" but what else are you gonna do in Tulsa?
Besides meth with gay escorts, obv.
* Happy Columbus Day Weekend!