Cunningham/Foggo/Wilkes Prostitupalooza 2003
So, we sort of put up this indictment thingie last night without letting you in on the full-on corrupt-politicians pay to do it with sexy ladies angle To save you the trouble of wading through the 42-page PDF file, here are the sexy parts, which are particularly sexy if you like your paid, anonymous sex to be so anonymous that the ladies you have sex with don't have names but just letters. The gory details, after the jump.
101. From on or about August 15 through 18, 2003, defendant [Brent] WILKES rented the Hapuna Suite (costing approximately $6,600 per night) at the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel on the Island of Hawaii for his use along with coconspirator [Randy "Duke"] Cunningham and one other guest;
102. On or about August 15, 2003, at approximately 5:00 p.m., defendant WILKES instructed an ADCS [Wilkes's company] employee to obtain two prostitutes for that evening and later provided the employee with $600 in cash to pay for two hours of their services (not including tip);
104. On or about August 15, 2003, at approximately 11 p.m., Prostitutes "A" and "B" and their "driver" arrived at the Hapuna Suite. Pursuant to defendant WILKES's instructions, an ADCS employee [who was probably thinking, "I went to college for this?"] escorted the prostitutes into the Suite and paid the driver $600 in cash;
105. On or about August 15, 2003, after approximately 15 minutes in the suite, defendant WILKES and coconspirator [Randy "Duke" "The Dukester" "Extra Randy" "His First Name Makes It Sound Like He's Sexually Aroused, You See"] Cunningham escorted Prostitutes "A" and "B" upstairs to separate rooms. At approximately midnight, WILKES tipped Prostitute "A" $500 for the services;
110. On or about August 16, 2003, at approximately 11 p.m., Prostitutes "A" and "C" and their "driver" arrived at the Hapuna Suite. Pursuant to defendant WILKES's instructions, his employee paid the driver $600 in cash and escorted Prostitute "C" (who had not previously been to the suite) to coconspirator ["Horny Guy Who Pays For Sex"] Cunningham's room. At approximately midnight, WILKES again tipped Prostitute "A" $500 for the services.
So there you have it. There's also some kind of boring and weirdly detailed stuff about what they ate ("Seared Hawaiian Snapper, 'Manoa' Lettuce Leaves, and an open bar featuring fine wines"), and, we presume, some even more boring stuff about, like, corrupt defense contracting practices or whatever the hell this case is actually about. Questions remain, though. Such as: is "driver" Universal Indictment Code for "pimp"? Is 45 minutes some kind of standard paid sex duration, or just the length of Randy "Randy" Cunningham's sexual stamina? Is 45 minutes a prostitute hour, like with therapists? What exactly are "Manoa" lettuce leaves? We expect answers to come out during the sure-to-be-hilarious trial.
Also, you may or may not recall that we were promised boy whores way back when this whole scandal started percolating. We note with some interest that no gender-specific pronouns were used in this indictment to refer to our alphabetical prostitutes. Our hopes will inevitably be dashed, but we just wanted to get that out there.
Wilkes and Foggo Indictment [Citizens for Ethics; PDF; Good bits start on page 25, you pervert]