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If you've seen one Trump Hitler rally, you've seen them all. But Donald Trump's thing in Grand Rapids, Michigan, on Thursday night was kind of special, because he thinks he's been vindicated of all Russian crimes, past, present, and future, based on three sentence fragments in a mash note written by the guy he appointed to clear him of Russian crimes, so he was very FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE, last night.

Also he spoke poor English, like he does.

And he lied, like he does.

And he made up brand new #ScienceFacts with his stable genius brain, like he does.

Oh, and he said a swear! Honestly, that is the most newsworthy thing from the entire ridiculous event. He said the Robert Mueller investigation had reached a "beautiful conclusion" (TRANSLATION: AG Bill Barr is trying to do a cover-up for him, because that's the part of Stupid Watergate we are living through right now), and while he was talking about that, he said a swear.


And so forth:

The special counsel completed its report and found no collusion and no obstruction. I could have told you that two and a half years ago. Total exoneration. Complete vindication.

Nope. Not exonerated on obstruction, did not say NO COLLUSION, zero vindication, but as usual with Trump, it's partly cloudy with a chance of gaslighting!

It's interesting. Robert Mueller was a god to the Democrats. He was a god to them until he said 'no collusion.' They don't like him so much now.

We like Mueller fine, GIVE US THE MOTHERFUCKING REPORT, BILL MOTHERFUCKING BARR.

Ready for the cuss? Cussy the Clown said a cuss!

The Democrats have to now decide whether they will continue defrauding the public with ridiculous bullshit, partisan investigations, or ways they will apologize to the American people and join us to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure.

Yeah, we WILL decide when it's time to stop "defrauding the public," as President Lie Vomit calls it, by telling the truth boldly and loudly about the fact that Donald Trump is a fucking criminal who has not been exonerated. Also, we would do infrastructure, if there was ever an Infrastructure Week that involved, like, infrastructure.

He talked shit about Adam Schiff, who fucking terrifies him:

"They're on artificial respirators right now," Mr. Trump said, his voice dripping with contempt. "They're giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Little pencil-neck Adam Schiff. He's got the smallest, thinnest neck I've ever seen."

Let's watch Pencil Neck on his artificial respirator doing mouth-to-mouth rescuscitation!

Like we said, Trump is terrified of that man.

Trump explained his very good and scientific understanding of wind power, which apparently involves "Wheel Of Fortune" completely going off the air on nights when the wind refuses to blow:


You'd be doing wind, windmills. 'Wind'. And if it doesn't -- if it doesn't blow you can forget about television for that night. Darling I want to watch television. I'm sorry, the wind isn't blowing. I know a lot about wind. I know a lot about wind.

He explained his very good understanding of water, which is the wettest he's ever seen, from the standpoint of water, and that while oceans are sometimes deep, Great Lakes can also be deep, historically deep, tremendously deep, like they would be deeper than the ocean if millions of illegals hadn't voted for oceans:


I support the Great Lakes. Always have. They're beautiful. They're big. Very deep. Record deep.

He SUPPORTS the Great Lakes, which are RECORD DEEP. Unlike the Democrats, who ... do not ... support ... (?) ... the Great Lakes, and perhaps do not acknowledge the RECORD DEEP of the Great Lakes?

To which the lake replied:

He repeated his now long-running lie about Democrats literally wanting to "execute" live-born babies, because apparently he is really trying to get one of his pigfucking supporters to murder a gynecologist. (Seriously, we are really worried he's going to incite a murder with this one. Like, more worried than we usually are about him inciting murder.)

He made fun of people seeking asylum at the southern border, because he's a trashbag human being who punches down at anybody and everybody. "I am very afraid for my life, I am afraid for my life," said the president, pretending he was a migrant who was faking being afraid for their life. He is such an unpleasant asshole.

Also there were a lot of QAnon people there, because that's Trump's base now, and the crowd did an "AOC sucks!" chant, because she is their new Hillary Clinton, and they are fucking TERRIFIED of her. (And yet, they are also very confused by her, because many of them think she's hot, but she is also the devil, and OMG the trials and tribulations of an unfuckable Trump supporter and his angry frustration own-the-libs boners!)

The end.

[quotes via Mediaite, the New York Times, the Washington Post and Chris Cillizza, which is how you know we really phoned this one in; videos via Aaron Rupar, because we steal EVERYTHING from him]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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