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If you've seen one Trump Hitler rally, you've seen them all. But Donald Trump's thing in Grand Rapids, Michigan, on Thursday night was kind of special, because he thinks he's been vindicated of all Russian crimes, past, present, and future, based on three sentence fragments in a mash note written by the guy he appointed to clear him of Russian crimes, so he was very FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE, last night.

Also he spoke poor English, like he does.

And he lied, like he does.

And he made up brand new #ScienceFacts with his stable genius brain, like he does.

Oh, and he said a swear! Honestly, that is the most newsworthy thing from the entire ridiculous event. He said the Robert Mueller investigation had reached a "beautiful conclusion" (TRANSLATION: AG Bill Barr is trying to do a cover-up for him, because that's the part of Stupid Watergate we are living through right now), and while he was talking about that, he said a swear.


And so forth:

The special counsel completed its report and found no collusion and no obstruction. I could have told you that two and a half years ago. Total exoneration. Complete vindication.

Nope. Not exonerated on obstruction, did not say NO COLLUSION, zero vindication, but as usual with Trump, it's partly cloudy with a chance of gaslighting!

It's interesting. Robert Mueller was a god to the Democrats. He was a god to them until he said 'no collusion.' They don't like him so much now.

We like Mueller fine, GIVE US THE MOTHERFUCKING REPORT, BILL MOTHERFUCKING BARR.

Ready for the cuss? Cussy the Clown said a cuss!

The Democrats have to now decide whether they will continue defrauding the public with ridiculous bullshit, partisan investigations, or ways they will apologize to the American people and join us to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure.

Yeah, we WILL decide when it's time to stop "defrauding the public," as President Lie Vomit calls it, by telling the truth boldly and loudly about the fact that Donald Trump is a fucking criminal who has not been exonerated. Also, we would do infrastructure, if there was ever an Infrastructure Week that involved, like, infrastructure.

He talked shit about Adam Schiff, who fucking terrifies him:

"They're on artificial respirators right now," Mr. Trump said, his voice dripping with contempt. "They're giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Little pencil-neck Adam Schiff. He's got the smallest, thinnest neck I've ever seen."

Let's watch Pencil Neck on his artificial respirator doing mouth-to-mouth rescuscitation!

Like we said, Trump is terrified of that man.

Trump explained his very good and scientific understanding of wind power, which apparently involves "Wheel Of Fortune" completely going off the air on nights when the wind refuses to blow:


You'd be doing wind, windmills. 'Wind'. And if it doesn't -- if it doesn't blow you can forget about television for that night. Darling I want to watch television. I'm sorry, the wind isn't blowing. I know a lot about wind. I know a lot about wind.

He explained his very good understanding of water, which is the wettest he's ever seen, from the standpoint of water, and that while oceans are sometimes deep, Great Lakes can also be deep, historically deep, tremendously deep, like they would be deeper than the ocean if millions of illegals hadn't voted for oceans:


I support the Great Lakes. Always have. They're beautiful. They're big. Very deep. Record deep.

He SUPPORTS the Great Lakes, which are RECORD DEEP. Unlike the Democrats, who ... do not ... support ... (?) ... the Great Lakes, and perhaps do not acknowledge the RECORD DEEP of the Great Lakes?

To which the lake replied:

He repeated his now long-running lie about Democrats literally wanting to "execute" live-born babies, because apparently he is really trying to get one of his pigfucking supporters to murder a gynecologist. (Seriously, we are really worried he's going to incite a murder with this one. Like, more worried than we usually are about him inciting murder.)

He made fun of people seeking asylum at the southern border, because he's a trashbag human being who punches down at anybody and everybody. "I am very afraid for my life, I am afraid for my life," said the president, pretending he was a migrant who was faking being afraid for their life. He is such an unpleasant asshole.

Also there were a lot of QAnon people there, because that's Trump's base now, and the crowd did an "AOC sucks!" chant, because she is their new Hillary Clinton, and they are fucking TERRIFIED of her. (And yet, they are also very confused by her, because many of them think she's hot, but she is also the devil, and OMG the trials and tribulations of an unfuckable Trump supporter and his angry frustration own-the-libs boners!)

The end.

[quotes via Mediaite, the New York Times, the Washington Post and Chris Cillizza, which is how you know we really phoned this one in; videos via Aaron Rupar, because we steal EVERYTHING from him]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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