Cut That Epstein Conspiracy Sh*t Out Right Now!
New York State Division of Criminal Justice via Reuters

Don't be like Kellyanne Conway, kids. You are so much better than that lying ghoul! If you find yourself in the comments section wondering if Bill Barr bumped off Jeffrey Epstein to protect Donald Trump, sit yourself down for a good talking to, and resolve to #BeBest. Because you're not some Q loon "connecting the dots" to prove a brain-meltingly stupid theory that bundles all the random bits together into some meta-narrative where it all makes so much sense. You're not a keyboard warrior from Wingnutistan blowing your load over at RedState. You're a rational adult, who understands that the simplest explanation -- that jail is hell, and Epstein took advantage of his overworked guards' inattention to escape it -- is usually the right one.


After serial pedophile rapist Jeffrey Epstein (dead people can't sue for defamation, not allegedly) killed himself Saturday morning, the frothy Right pushed #ClintonBodyCount to the top of everyone's Twitter feed. Donald Trump retweeted this batshit grifter.

And Kellyanne Conway went on Fox News Sunday to defend the indefensible.

I think the president just wants everything to be investigated as you -- as your reporter just revealed just the day before. There was some unsealed information implicating some people very high up, and I'm not going to repeat their names, you already did that. I'm not saying anything beyond that, and I won't.

But I will say, Bill, that there's always this rush to -- we need transparency, we need accountability when it involves fictional accusations like collusion with Russia to swing an election. This seems to be very concrete and that Jeffrey Epstein has done some very bad things over a number of years. And so, let's continue to investigate that.

Third verse, same as the first.

There's a hot take from a very serious journalist!

The Blue Team wasn't exactly on good behavior either, theorizing that THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES and THIS MUST HAVE COME FROM THE TOP and THE FIX IS IN. Because Donald Trump put the word out, and Barr leaned on the Bureau of Prisons to take Epstein off suicide watch and quit checking on him, and then they crossed their fingers and hoped for the best, we guess?

The reality is that about 4,000 prisoners commit suicide every year6 percent of inmate deaths are caused by suicide, because our prisons and jails are shockingly inhumane. [Edit: Sorry, misread the stats.] Epstein was incarcerated at the Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC) in Manhattan, a facility described by former inmates as "worse than Rikers Island" with rats like "roommates." The Special Housing Unit (SHU) where Epstein was housed is so brutal that a British appeals court blocked extradition of hacker Lauri Love because he'd likely be detained there, which amounted to torture.

If you want a conspiracy, look no further than Donald Trump's federal hiring freeze, which caused a dangerous shortage of prison guards, forcing unqualified prison staff to routinely perform guard duty.

The Washington Post reports that the two guards on shift at the SHU were both working overtime, "one forced to do so by management, the other for his fourth or fifth consecutive day." The facility is functioning with only 70 percent of the required staff, so employees routinely work 60- or 70-hour weeks, and one of the two "guards" on duty was not a guard at all. So, yeah, they cut corners and didn't check on the inmates every 30 minutes like they were supposed to. It's not a conspiracy, it's a fucking scandal.

"We are now learning of serious irregularities at this facility that are deeply concerning and demand a thorough investigation," Attorney General Bill Barr told a roomful of police gathered in New Orleans this morning. And then they all surged as one body toward the stage and arrested him for the aggravated murder of irony. No, not really.

In reality, Epstein was going to spend the rest of his life inside a cell, only emerging for criminal hearings and depositions as his victims filed lawsuit after lawsuit to extract damages for his horrific abuse. A New York court just released 2,000 pages of evidence from teenage victim Virginia Giuffre's defamation case against Epstein's longtime companion Ghislaine Maxwell. It contains shockingly lurid testimony about his three-times-daily habit of engaging in sexual encounters with young girls, including testimony from staff about orgies and crying teenagers. That man was never going to see the light of day again, so he took advantage of the only slightly less depraved state of our corrections system to spare himself the agony. What did he have left?

On the plus side, the US Attorney's Office was quick to announce that they're continuing to investigate Epstein's crimes, emphasizing the conspiracy count which might present an avenue to prosecuting Maxwell or other parties who helped him get away with it for so long. The New York Times reports that Epstein's longtime bankers at Deutsche are handing over every transaction on his accounts so the feds can comb for evidence of crimes, making it easier to seize his assets and make them available to victims. And Epstein's longtime attorneys, Darren Indyke and Jeffrey Schantz, who helped him move his money around, have recently hired criminal attorneys of their own. So, rest assured, this ain't over.

But sometimes a cigar ... is just a cigar.

[Fox / Gothamist / WaPo]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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