Damn Rockefellers Now A Bunch Of Damn Wind-Power-Loving Dirty Hippies
If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's probably covered in oil
The Rockefeller family made much of its considerable bones with Standard Oil, possibly the most iconic Corporate Person in American history. But just like today, the meddling government wouldn't let Standard have all of the oil and eventually broke its monopoly, encouraging generations to be Takers instead of roving gangs of Rich Uncles Pennybags. But thankfully, when Standard Oil was busted up, some of its descendants were able to carry on its tradition, and none more so than our beloved Exxon.
As for the Rockefellers, they're just a bunch of richies doing what rich people do: Investing, buying art, investing some more. Probably some weird secret society shit on the first Tuesday of each month. But something weird just happened...
The Rockefeller Family Fund said on Wednesday it would divest from fossil fuels as quickly as possible and "eliminate holdings" of Exxon Mobil Corp (XOM.N), saying the oil company associated with the family fortune has misled the public about climate change risks.
Oh great, Rockefellers. Not all of us can draw checks while we ride bikes and watch birds. Some of us need that deliciously subsidized oil to get to our jobs at the money plant. But Exxon shrugged off its ancestors who apparently went soft and shrill like a bunch of common folk musicians.
Exxon said the Rockefeller fund's move was not surprising.
"The Rockefeller Family Fund provided financial support to InsideClimate News and Columbia University Journalism School which produced inaccurate and deliberately misleading stories about ExxonMobil's history of climate research," Exxon spokesman Alan Jeffers said in a statement.
[contextly_sidebar id="fsjP7nCo6XHybu6mfn8fJ72e9YmZCX8y"]These deliberate and misleading stories like these that are definitely not true except for the parts that are, which are probably all of them. Good job, Rockefellers. Hopefully this divestment won't force all living heirs to live in a single yurt in a Dakota.
Exxon stabbed in back by more pesky investors worried about something called 'climate change'
Say what you want about the Rockefellers. They're just taking their millions in pocket change and going home. Other Exxon shareholders aren't being so accommodating. This week, the nerds at the Securities and Exchange Commission ruled that Exxon must include a climate change resolution in its yearly shareholder proxy vote.
The resolution isn't about taking specific steps to curb its size 27 carbon footprint, but whether Exxon is going to be able to pivot to a "lower carbon future" in light of the recent Paris agreement on climate change. This is the agreement that is definitely going to be the multinational kumbaya partnership that finally prevents Florida from sliding into the ocean. (Thanks, world leaders.) But before we jump for joy over the slight inconvenience posed to this dirty Corporate Person, we should note the recent history of other climate related shareholder resolutions.
Exxon shareholders have never approved a climate change-related proposal, and last year they rejected by 79 percent a request that a climate expert be appointed to the company's board.
Even so, Wall Street was clearly shaken by the bombshell announcement as share price fell by about .0001 percent.
Uber gets a taste of its own unbridled capitalism
Ola is India's Uber. And nobody puts Uber in a corner unless it's an Uber driver trying to navigate his way through a construction zone. That's why they're suing for sweet Indian justice over claims that Ola set up thousands of fake accounts that made over 400,000 fake bookings that ended up being canceled.
Ola denies these allegations because what kind of Corporate Person would stoop that low? Great question!
Maybe Uber is so very adamant about Ola's shiftiness because our greatest new economy innovator actually innovated these shenanigans and employed them against their American competitors. In 2014, Uber had to apologize to Lyft for messing with its independent contractors by sending them fake orders.
In the end, these scams might shave a little off the quarterly profits but it's the drivers getting screwed (again). We guess all's fair in love and ride sharing.