Trump So Mad At Dan Coats He's Gonna Be A Chickensh*t Who's Too Scared To Fire Him

Uh oh, is somebody telling the truth and making Donald Trump cry again? Every time Trump accidentally picks a competent person, this seems to happen!

It's not that Director Of National Intelligence Dan Coats is YOU'RE FIRED yet. First of all, Trump is incapable of firing people unless there's a script in front of him that tells him when to say "YOU'RE FIRED," and if he can't get a lackey to do it for him, he's fucked. (Weak.) It's just that the Washington Post says Trump is now "disenchanted" with Coats, which we guess suggests that there was an earlier time when he was "enchanted."

The president has never seen Coats as a close or trusted adviser, [sources said], but he has become more frustrated with him in recent weeks over public statements that Trump sees as undercutting his policy goals, particularly with respect to reaching a disarmament agreement with North Korea.

What, did Coats try to tell Trump that North Korea was shooting missiles and Trump had a big temper tantrum and wailed that he believes Putin and he doesn't care what Dan Coats says? Something like that?

Trump is apparently still very mad about last month's Worldwide Threats Hearing at the Senate Intelligence Committee, where Coats, CIA Director Gina Haspel, and FBI Director Christopher Wray told about the real-world threats facing America, things they learned from America's intelligence gathering, which are all in direct conflict with the things Donald Trump believes inside his little bitty conspiracy theory Fox News brain. As we all know, reality has a well known bias against Donald Trump, and he will rage about it until such a time as he is dead.

Just after the hearing, Trump rage-tweeted that his own handpicked intel people should "GO BACK TO SCHOOL," because, again, Trump gets his intel briefings from Putin and sometimes from Sean Hannity, and only the Hillary Deep State would say things to Congress like "Russia is bad" and "Actually we haven't beat ISIS yet" and "No seriously, Donald Trump needs to stop making out with Kim Jong-un all the time, it is super gross, and everybody knows Kim is not even that into him and is only doing this because he wants to make ONE MILLION BOMBS and he knows he can get away with anything if he gives Trump MANY KEEEESSSSES." (Those are not exact quotes. OR ARE THEY?)

Trump had gotten over his shit just after the hearing, because he brought his intel chiefs into the Oval Office, and they apparently kissed his ass and said they had all been misquoted by the FAKE NEWS (the only excuse Trump remotely understands), even though that didn't make sense because the hearing was livestreamed on C-SPAN and we all seen it with our own eyes.

But privately, the president has continued to fume, and this weekend he told the adviser that Coats, a former Republican senator from Indiana, is "not loyal" and "he's not on the team."

Such a fucking baby.

But don't worry, nobody the Post talked to thinks Coats is getting fired SOON or anything. They just think these little things -- where Coats says true words and it sends Trump spiraling into a pantshitting meltdown for a million years straight and he's so inconsolable he won't even grab pussy -- are going to keep happening and one day it will reach its breaking point.

Then, if things go the way they did with former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, Coats will resign before Trump has a chance to fire him, and he will write a hilariously mean letter to Trump full of big words Trump doesn't understand, Trump will tweet that Coats served honorably and he's sorry to see him go, and then somebody will explain the big words to Trump, who will then change his story midstream and decide that actually he fired Coats, and that he had a very impressive penis while he did it.

Or maybe it'll just be like what happened with Jeff Sessions, and Trump will beg everybody for months to fire Coats, even people who don't actually work for the administration, like Corey Lewandowski maybe, and ultimately Coats will not get fired and Trump will just tweet about him until Coats decides "fuck this shit" and quits.

Who can say!

Hey, remember that time Coats was at the Aspen Security Forum doing an interview with Andrea Mitchell and he found out during the interview that Trump was planning to have a big secret sexxxytime summit with Vladimir Putin IN AMERICA, and we all got to see Coats's reaction to that shit in real time? That was funny. And then Coats said it's totally possible Putin had secretly recorded his tryst with Trump in Helsinki, and apparently Trump got REAL MAD about that too, so mad he probably didn't even eat 12 Big Macs with ketchup that got all over his gigantic threadbare tighty whities.

See ya when we see ya, Dan Coats!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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