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David Brooks Writes About Some Weird Obama Cancer

Here's a fact: David Brooks wrote the worst column in American History this morning. Well, maybe of this week, or of this morning only. It was definitely the worst New York Times column he wrote today. It involves bird flu, or the measles, or some sort of viral "sensation" where Barack Obama is heroin and Hillary Clinton is the methadone clinic, and hippies are guided by invisible shark spirits.


Brooks has discovered a new strain of AIDS -- Obama Comedown Syndrome (OCS) -- where no one likes Barack Obama anymore. The Western Hemisphere should be warned: IT IS SPREADING TO YR IAN MCEWAN CLUBS:

The afflicted had already been through the phases of Obama-mania -- fainting at rallies, weeping over their touch screens while watching Obama videos, spending hours making folk crafts featuring Michelle Obama's face. These patients had experienced intense surges of hope-amine, the brain chemical that fuels euphoric sensations of historic change and personal salvation.

But they found that as the weeks went on, they needed more and purer hope-injections just to preserve the rush. They wound up craving more hope than even the Hope Pope could provide, and they began experiencing brooding moments of suboptimal hopefulness. Anxious posts began to appear on the Yes We Can! Facebook pages. A sense of ennui began to creep through the nation's Ian McEwan-centered book clubs.

Ennui, the old French scourge! This O.C.S. leads America to consider the very grave missteps of Obama's campaign:

Obama says he is practicing a new kind of politics, but why has his PAC sloshed $698,000 to the campaigns of the superdelegates, according to the Center for Responsive Politics? Is giving Robert Byrd's campaign $10,000 the kind of change we can believe in?

NO!!! NEED... MORE... HOPE-AMINE... DAVID BROOKS' EXTENDED METAPHOR IS RUINING CHANGE... HIT ME, BROOKS, I NEED A HOPE ROCK:

Those afflicted with O.C.S. are no longer as moved by his perorations. The fever passes. But some invisible connection seems to persist.

Ahh, the invisible Hawaiian shark spirits prevail. Or do they? Why doesn't Barry take a single position on anything? Can we survive this magical form of death Brooks proposes, or will the Muslimists win forever?

When the Magic Fades [NYT]

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Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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