David Perdue, Kelly Loeffler Don’t Have To Go Home, But They Can’t Stay In The Senate

Elections

Republicans David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler got their sorry asses beat on Tuesday, and a good time was had by all. However, neither Perdue nor Loeffler, who was spanked more thoroughly, have conceded the Senate races they obviously lost. This is Trump's GOP now. Conceding elections and accepting math are for suckers.

Around the same time Senator-elect Raphael Warnock moved us to tears with his victory speech, Daisy Duke cosplayer Loeffler addressed her supporters Tuesday night in Atlanta's Buckhead district. The crowd was packed, so almost all her voters were present, and no one wore a mask because voting for Loeffler wasn't their biggest life error.

Here's what she had to say.

No, sorry, here's the real footage, which is less interesting because it contains Loeffler.


Loeffler will have just one concession speech in her political career, and she's really dragging it out. To be entirely fair, it is possible she whispered, "I concede" while she was un-objecting to the vote following the Moot Suit Riot last night, oh wait, we watched the whole thing, and she didn't. But back to Tuesday:

LOEFFLER: There are a lot of votes out there ...

See, this is what happens when you buy your Senate seat at the same estate sale where you picked up your Dalmatian coat. You don't know how elections work. Yes, there were some votes remaining when every last motherfucker called the race for Warnock, but they'd fully counted all votes from the antebellum South. Loeffler's not going to overcome Warnock's lead in any zip codes containing a soul food restaurant.

We have a path to victory and we are staying on it. We have got a lot of work to do here, this is a game of inches, we are going to win this election, we are going to save this country.

Nope. Please return your trucker hats and plaid shirts to the costume department. The GOP Players are putting on Seven Brides for Seven Brothers next month.

Perdue, who should know better, also pretended on Tuesday that he could win this thing.

PERDUE: As we've said repeatedly over the last several weeks and as recently as this evening, this is an exceptionally close election that will require time and transparency to be certain the results are fair and accurate and the voices of Georgians are heard.

Some quick background: Perdue and Loeffler tried and failed to restrict absentee voting and otherwise disenfranchise anyone who might kick them to the curb. They don't care about “transparency." They wanted to make Jim Crow great again.

Unlike Loeffler, who was whooped like a common Martha McSally, Perdue's loss was more narrow but still definitive. It's fine to want to wait until every ballot's counted but Perdue sounded like he wanted to put up a pointless Trump-style fight against reality.

PERDUE: We will mobilize every available resource and exhaust every legal recourse to ensure all legally cast ballots are properly counted. We believe in the end, Senator Perdue will be victorious.

Just stop already with the "legally cast ballots" dog whistle. Black people's ballots are real and they're spectacular.

Jon Ossoff already boasts a bigger lead in the state than Joe Biden, who won Georgia three times already.

Ossoff's margin of victory will avoid an automatic recount. It's over, Mr. Former Senator. You'll soon have plenty of free time to learn how to correctly pronounce Vice President Kamala Harris's name.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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