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David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers

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Oh, Sen. David Vitter (R-Whore House), we heart you soooooo much. No, really, we do. You are, in fact, our very favorite diapers-wearing john in the whole Senate. While some politicians might slink away from the public eye in disgrace after getting busted for patronizing professional women of the night (you know, paying hookers for sex), those politicians tend to be weenie Democrats. Not you, sir. You are a brave soul who will force your wife to stand beside you as you say you are "very, very sorry" for all those times you paid women to dress you up in diapers and do we-don't-even-want-to-know-what to you and then insist we forget all about that stuff so you can go back to lecturing us about family values and how the gays are destroying America with their gay and also just generally being a dick.


We applaud you, sir, and now we would like to thank you for this latest demonstration of courage under derp:

Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) on Friday sent a letter to the Senate Ethics Committee requesting an investigation of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) for what he calls "attempted bribery."

And how is Vitter being attempted-bribed by those rascally Democrats?

The letter responded to reports that Senate Democrats were shopping around a plan to deny government contributions to lawmakers' health care plans if there is "probable cause" they solicited prostitutes.

Oh, that is SO mean of Democrats! How dare they remind people that David Vitter paid chicks to bone him in his Depends! Of course, that is not how Vitter sees it. As he explains, Sens. Boxer and Reid are trying to affect Vitter's "personal finances" with their proposed legislation "that ties Members’ personal healthcare benefits to their performance of specific acts and votes." Hey, Diapers Dave, "performance of acts" sure is a classy way of saying "paid chicks to bone him in his Depends." Really, sir, we are in awe of you.

Again, that is not how Vitter sees it. As he sees it, he is simply trying to save America with his dickish amendment to undermine Obamacare -- which he is using to block other, totally-not-related legislation because, you know, he's a dick like that -- and those blue meanies are trying to bribe him into dropping his amendment. (We think this sounds more like extortion, but what do we know?) And Vitter is verrrrrrrry concerned about how such a bill might affect his fellow hooker enthusiasts in the Senate:

If a senator voted for Senator Reid's and Senator Boxer’s favored amendment, and against my amendment, it would appear that his or her decision was based on personal interests, and not the public interest.

Yes, if senators voted for the Democrats' amendment, and against Vitter's amendment, it sure would look like they probably had some hooker skeletons in their closet and were bribed into voting against the public interest just to make sure they didn't lose their health care benefits just because they had solicited professional sexytime. Really, Vitter's just accusing Democrats of bribery FOR THE PEOPLE!

You are a great public servant, Senator, and we thank you very, very, very much for trying to protect us from Obamacare and protect all the senators who have whored around and also for providing us with never-ending comedy gold. We will love you long time, sir. Just, you know, not in diapers because ew.

[TPM/Vitter's Senate website]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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