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Louisiana sex creep David "Diaperman" Vitter is knownfor one thing, and one thing only: Hiring hookers and then making those hookers put adult diapers on him, so he can poop in the diapers, for sex kicks. He has been caught employing prostitutes at least twice, in New Orleans and in Washington DC -- his number found in the client phone records of the since-suicided "DC Madam," in the latter case. He is a gross scumbag and a human joke, and guess where serious Congressional Journalistic Institution Roll Call found him fondling ladies' lingerie and looking "a bit lost," because he was about to spurt/poop?


(We are sorry about the imagery in this post, already. Sorry!)

Here, the official gossip from Roll Call:

Just hours before casting his health care vote, the sex-scandal-scarred Louisiana Republican looked “a bit lost” amid the ladies’ unmentionables, our spy said. Our witty, bargain-seeking HOH tipster mused on a few reasons that the Senator might be there.

“Is he looking for some ‘extra support’ for tonight’s big health care floor vote or is he up to his old habits?” the spy wondered.

Look, even a criminal douche like David Diaperman Vitter must occasionally feel a vague "emotion" in some ways similar to our human sense of shame, and maybe he just can't get off these days by having a hooker dress him up like an infant so he can shit in a Depends. Maybe this dingleberry thinks his pathetic attempts to act like Mr. Conservative Firebrand will be more "real" if he could somehow stop his crippling addiction to poo play.

And maybe this is why he now wants to defecate and jack off in ladies thongs ... oh god this is too gross, sorry again. All finished here, with this David Vitter post. Happy, er, thanksgiving or whatever, the end. [Roll Call]

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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