DC Comics HEREBY ORDERS Batman Be Crappy At Sex

DC Comics HEREBY ORDERS Batman Be Crappy At Sex

Everyone's all up in Bruce Wayne's bat business after the co-creator of HBO Max's "Harley Quinn" series claimed that DC Comics has very specific opinions about Batman's sex life.

"Harley Quinn" is an adult animated series starring Kaley Cuoco (who's AMAZING). It's an adult comedy with graphic violence and sexual shenanigans. It's TV-MA with the full nasty. DC is usually pretty supportive, according to creator Justin Halpern, but the company drew a hard line when it came to a scene between Batman and Catwoman, both of whom are fictional characters.

"It's incredibly gratifying and free to be using characters that are considered villains because you just have so much more leeway," said Halpern. "A perfect example of that is in this third season of Harley [when] we had a moment where Batman was going down on Catwoman. And DC was like, 'You can't do that. You absolutely cannot do that.' They're like, 'Heroes don't do that.' So, we said, 'Are you saying heroes are just selfish lovers?' They were like, 'No, it's that we sell consumer toys for heroes. It's hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down on someone.'"

Say what? Heroes don't go downtown? It's all missionary with one swashbuckler boot firmly on the floor? Full disclosure, the Catwoman in "Harley Quinn" is an Eartha Kitt-looking sister, voiced by the stunning Sanaa Lathan. This is not a Catwoman who tolerates vanilla. The integrity of the series demands that Batman get busy on Catwoman's furry places.

This is actually weirder than when comics publishers insisted that Superman and Batman never had sex, supposedly so they'd have something in common with their fans. Dean Cain, star of the 1990s “Lois & Clark" series, explained at the time why he thought his character was a virgin.

"He had had the opportunity [to have sex] and he's thought about it," the actor reasons, "but he is the most moral guy on Earth and he decided that he would save himself for his special person."

That's certainly Clark Kent's choice but it's not what makes him a hero. It's all the saving of lives. Besides, shouldn't he have tested that super dick before his wedding night? I don't mean to be prejudiced but he is an alien. He should have sex for the first time with a human woman in a controlled laboratory environment, like the one at Madonna's house.

Superman grew up in Kansas, so he's capable of anything. However, no one seriously believed the goddamn Batman was chaste. His alter ego is a "billionaire playboy." I remember reading some bizarre theory that Bruce Wayne paid women he dated to claim they had sex, which would have created its own set of rumors. Batman as Rock Hudson is very 1950s.

In 2011, DC Comics published an actual comic, one freely available to kids, where Batman and Catwoman fucked themselves stupid. It's no longer playful innuendo. It's in every room and on every surface.

DC Comics

So, the objection isn't that Batman and Catwoman have sex outside of the bonds of matrimony. DC won't accept Batman giving a woman oral pleasure. This is how DC tells us it's run by men without telling us it's run by men. Someone actually opened his mouth and said, "It's hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down on someone." You know Halpern's telling the truth because it's just too bonkers a statement to make up. As someone who owns a lot of Batman-related toys that I let my son look at and even touch on special occasions, I guarantee that I'd buy the fuck out of a "Harley Quinn" Batman figure with oral sex action. If DC is so worried about selling toys, they should get some therapy and then get to work on that "Harley Quinn" toy line. It's been almost two years. Where's my goddamn Sanaa Lathan Catwoman?

Before I go, I also want to clear up some slander about my boy Adam West. You can mock the 1960s “Batman" series if you want (just not in my presence), but West fucked around for real during the series run. He even got kicked out of an orgy with Frank Gorshin, who played the Riddler.

WEST: We walked in and it was an orgy. So I immediately went into the Batman character, and Frank went into the Riddler character, because we were getting the big giggles. It was so funny to us, what we walked into. And we were kicked out. We were expelled from the orgy.

Folks on social media claim that West's Batman was the least likely to go down on Catwoman, which is absurd. We're talking about Julie Newmar here. The only obstacle was Robin. Catwoman doesn't step-mom.

And West's Batman would've definitely taken the scenic route with Lee Meriwether's Catwoman. As the man said, “What use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action!" That ... actually doesn't make a lot of sense, but the Bat-Brain was focused on other things.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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