DC SHOCKED BY FROZEN WATER, CLOUDS
Washington DC, the most powerful city in the world, was paralyzed last night by a deadly "wintry mix" of frozen water and slightly less frozen water. Upwards of two inches of the mysterious powder descended upon the city like white death, leaving buses running on emergency schedules, trains aflame, and major roads beset with vigilantes on tricked-out motorcycles.
The federal government opened two hours late, schools everywhere are closed, good luck getting a flight outta here today, and commuter buses have been requisitioned to search for the thousands presumed dead.
The mysterious "sleet" substance is still being investigated by the Department of Homeland Security, but an adviser tells Wonkette that it may have been manufactured by Iran.
Officials urge residents of the DC metro area to panic like little girls.