Dead Sex-Crazed Australian Politician Dug Up For DNA Test
Australians have a few favorite hobbies: piracy, walking around on their heads, and fathering dozens of bastard children to smuggle drugs into Bali and infiltrate Hollywood. One of the greatest Australian heroes of all time,Charles Cameron Kingston, sired untold numbers of children outside the blessed matrimonial union -- and recently some of his supposed descendents had his body exhumed in order to see if they were really related to the notoriously grab-assy former premier of South Australia.
What's a "premier," you ask, besides a humanoid sex-criminal pirate with a pouch on its belly? According to Wonkette Australian Affairs Operative Carl, it's "roughly equivalent to a governor but a bit more important." All right, Carl, we'll bite. How many ladies did this "premier" get with in order to justify digging up his withered nuts a century after they went into this ground?
Denise McCarthy Goward, a relative of Kingston's long-suffering wife, Lucy McCarthy, said his philandering was the talk of the town in Adelaide at the turn of the last century.
Ms McCarthy Goward is bemused by the latest twist in the colourful Kingston saga.
"Half the illegitimate kids in South Australia could have had Kingston on their birth certificates," Ms McCarthy Goward told The Australian.
"His wife knew. How could you have that many and his wife not know?
"We've all heard the stories and if this works out it will just be another person that's perhaps related. The original family tree possibly will have lots of additions to it."
Read more about Kingston's exploits here, including the time he was horse-whipped in a public square and disarmed his attacker while "dripping blood." He also liked to challenge people to duels and have sex with literally every woman who came within a six-foot perimeter of his mighty instrument.
In other words, he is the perfect running mate for John McCain.