Dealsy McGoodBrain's Super Smrt Bargain With Roger Stone

Roger Stone Instagram

Oh, hello! Were you aware that our president/Vladimir Putin's villanous Disney sidekick considers himself to be quite the savvy dealmaker? That for him making deals is an art and a craft and maybe some sort of a magic Prosperity Gospel spell thingy, he's just that good at it, give or take a few billion in debt?

Let's take a look at what just went down with Roger Stone. Can you call something a Faustian bargain if both parties are low-level filth demons?

So first, a while ago, when Stone was in a very good position to rat Trump out during his trial for all of the treason and the lying to Congress and the obstruction of justice, Trump was all "I beg your pardon, Roger, wink wink, but if you don't rat me out I'll be grateful and maybe something will work out!" and he said the "wink, wink" part out loud, because Trump thinks that subtlety is some kind of British breakfast drink that's no good because it lacks Adderall. (Allegedly!)

So Roger got convicted because Jesus Christ was he guilty, and then suddenly the man who spent 40 years standing in front of cameras and talking about how he is the Steampunk Super Villain of Dirty Tricks realized that maybe he doesn't like the consequences so much and kept doing that thing your cat does when you try to put it in the carrier.

So in spite of the fact that Stone was convicted of doing crimes for Donald Trump and Donald Trump has been typing "LAW & ORDER" into Twitter for the past six weeks and it is maybe not the time, on Friday Stone put on those stupid fucking Western Exterminator sunglasses and made whatever curly-fingered Victorian villain gesture he favors and said "Really, Donald, I would hate to rat you out at this time, and P.S. what I want is a commuted sentence, not a pardon." (Slight paraphrase.)

And Trump hopped to like Roger had crumbled-up burgers in his pockets and commuted that sentence right quick.

Trump is pretty sure he got a super good deal, because Trump cannot plan more than ten minutes into the future. In Trump's mind:

  1. Roger won't rat him out right at this moment.
  2. Commuted rather than pardoned means that Stone retains his Fifth Amendment rights and can't be forced to testify later.
  3. Everything solved, no other consequences.

Gosh, what even are the downsides? Well, there might be a few.

For one thing, everyone knows that Stone is the boss of Trump. Based on Trump's subservience to Putin, it makes sense to believe that Trump folds like a paper crane the second there's even a hint of blackmail in the air. (You know, allegedly.) Now we know that Stone definitely has dirt and Trump will toady on over the minute Stone snaps his lavender kid-gloved fingers or whatever bullshit he's got on them that day.

So we've always known that Trump had the title but Putin had the power -- allegedly -- but now we know that someone even closer has a hand on the leash. It's not a great look when you want to project the image of Supreme Tough Guy. Trump just revealed to the whole nation that Stone has him by the Yeti pubes.

Another wee issue is that nobody even needs to READ THE TRANSCRIPTS11!!!!1!!!, because this particular quid pro quo was very much out in the open, and Donnie almost sort of knows what those words mean now. Not as well as he knows camel, mind you, but he does know it's a thing you can get put away for if someone can prove it. So once we finally pry his Creamsicle ass out of the Oval Office, he's set himself up for quite the slam-dunk of a prosecution.

And speaking of prosecution, there is really no other way to interpret this deal except as one in which Roger Stone is agreeing to not talk about the crimes that he has just confirmed that Trump definitely did. And Trump is so smart, such a King of Super Deals, that he didn't even know to mafia-call Roger and say, "Take that back, dumbfuck, or you get nothing but prison and the coronavirus." Nope! He just scrambled around and found a Sharpie and some scrap paper and got to work. No wonder his casinos went broke. How many times do you think he traded stacks of casino chips for genuine magic beans?

And hey, it's true there are precisely zero Republicans left in elected office who have the nards or principles to defend the rule law, but after the landslide election/possible subsequent military coup, Trump is in some deep horsey sauce. And here, Trump is making the same mistake that literally every person in his own orbit makes, which is assuming that someone who has spent his life proudly being a public sociopath will remain loyal to you.

Roger Stone will not squeal on Trump's Cornucopia o' Crimes today, and maybe not tomorrow. But it's very possible Stone has more crimes floating around, and when the prospect of the jail sentence that Stone very possibly richly deserves finally comes back around, he's going to sell Trump like he's shares of Blockbuster. And sure, Stone can't be forced to testify against Trump, but there's no reason he can't just do it for the sheer joy of a prosecution deal.

So good job, Sparky BrilliantDealz! Stone saved his own ass, retained his ability to shank you later, and got you to admit to doing crimes in public. Aced it!

We cannot wait to see you get cross examined by a real prosecutor who likes the real kind of LAW & ORDER! Sleep well.

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