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Tuesday, after one million Democratic congressmen and slightly fewer Republicans had finished volleying back and forth five-minute segments questioning Corey Lewandowski, a piece of shit who behaved so rancidly in his testimony he could have been jailed on the spot, a fight broke out among leadership on the House Judiciary Committee. GOP ranking member Doug Collins was furious furious I SAY I SAY I SAY, FURIOUS that Democrats passed a rules change last week allowing committee staff to question witnesses after members of Congress were finished. He took particular issue with the fact that attorney Barry Berke, who was technically a consultant but who according to committee chair Jerry Nadler fit the definition of "staff," would be allowed 30 minutes to #lawyer Lewandowski. Indeed, every Republican congressman in the room at that moment turned the hearing into an absolute fuckin' clownshow, as they stalled and hurled their own freeze-dried poo at each other. Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz played with a lot of poo, as you'd expect.

The entire tantrum was previewed in this video from Doug Collins, which actually came much earlier in the hearing. We can't transcribe it, because we don't think that's humanly possible, so you'll just have to watch it:

We can now see why Collins and the Republicans were upset about what was about to happen to the witness they were trying to protect.


When Berke took over the questioning, it was, from the first second, riveting, must-see TV. It was everything the rest of the hearing, which the media correctly labeled as absolute bullshit, was not. During regular questioning, Lewandowski refused to answer questions, based on laughable claims of immunity, despite how Lewandowski never worked for the White House, and despite the fact that the so-called "absolute immunity" Trump's lawyers argue exists for all who have ever met the president, does not exist. He was outright disrespectful to members of Congress, letting his Little Dog Syndrome fly. (If you need a fuller recap than that, we live-blogged it.)

But when Berke took over, all that stopped. Oh sure, Lewandowski was still a total shit, and beclowned himself more in 30 minutes than we think we've ever seen him beclowned, but Berke's time was productive.

Here is the full video. Bookmark it so you can save it for your congressman, if your congressman happens to sit on the Judiciary Committee, as ours does HI, STEVE COHEN, WATCH THIS:

WATCH: Full exchange between Corey Lewandowski and House Judiciary Counsel Barry Berke www.youtube.com

Here are some things Berke, in his rapid-fire questioning, got Lewandowski to admit:

  • That the Mueller Report is accurate.
  • That he lied repeatedly in the media about his participation, at Trump's orders, in Trump's obstruction of justice to influence the Mueller investigation by unlawfully interfering with Jeff Sessions. "Oh, I'm sorry, nobody in Congress has ever lied to the public before, I'm sorry!" Yes, he said it like an insolent little shit, but oh boy, the witness literally was admitting he's a liar. Sure, he says he always tells the truth under oath when he swears to Jesus he won't say fibs, but that's what a liar would say.

Here are a couple of things Berke, in his rapid-fire questioning, got Lewandowski to conspicuously not admit:

  • Whether or not Donald Trump ever offered him a pardon in exchange for committing criminal offenses for Trump. It was telling!
  • Whether or not he received immunity for his testimony to special counsel Robert Mueller. Also telling! (He said he was trying to protect Congress from learning about Mueller's "methods" LOLOLOLOL fuck you.)

Here, watch a shorter clip!

Here is Lewandowski, getting "the fuck you say" reactions from onlookers after Berke caught him flat-out lying on TV and saying Donald Trump had never instructed him to meddle with Jeff Sessions, or try to scare him into thinking he would be fired if he didn't un-recuse from the investigation, when that is exactly the future article of impeachment he was there to talk about that day:


BERKE: ... [You said] on MSNBC that you don't remember the president ever asking you to get involved with Jeff Sessions or the Department of Justice in any way, shape or form. That wasn't true, was it, sir?

LEWANDOWSKI: I heard that.

BERKE: And that was not true, was it?

LEWANDOWSKI: I have no obligation to be honest with the media, because they're just as dishonest as anybody else.

Whew. As Berke continued to press Lewandowski on whether he lied on TV, Lewandowski literally tried to whisper to his lawyer for a lifeline, at which point Berke said he's not sure why you need to talk to your lawyer about whether you're a liar or not. It was wonderful.

Sure, Lewandowski lied and obfuscated and smirked and whined for Berke, but it came off differently for the cameras than it did when the members questioned him. Berke hammered at Lewandowski's behavior, and pretty much proved that Lewandowski refused to carry out certain crimes on Donald Trump's behalf because he knew it would be illegal. It didn't matter how many times Lewandowski tried to say "Ah'm just a poor hayseed country boy, and I didn't get to go to a big fancy high-falutin' law school like you, Mister Berke!" -- the message came through loud and clear that Lewandowski is absolutely and brazenly full of shit.

House Judiciary Democrats? Jerry Nadler?

Zoe Lofgren, Sheila Jackson Lee, Steve Cohen, Hank Johnson, Ted Deutch, Karen Bass, Cedric Richmond, Hakeem Jeffries, David Cicilline, Eric Swalwell, Ted Lieu, Jamie Raskin, Pramila Jayapal, Val Demings, Lou Correa, Mary Gay Scanlon, Sylvia Garcia, Joe Neguse, Lucy McBath, Greg Stanton, Madeleine Dean, Debbie Mucarsel-Powell and Veronica Escobar?

Are you listening? We know some of you are.

THIS IS HOW EVERY IMPEACHMENT HEARING SHOULD BE.

And these hearings should start this way, before people get bored, before the professionals who are paid to watch this shit get bored (hello!), when the cable news is still paying attention, before MSNBC sees a squirrel and CNN steps on its dick and before Fox News finds a reason to change the subject to Hillary Clinton's emails. You want real accountability for the Trump administration? You want to make your case to the American people? THEN GODDAMN SHUT UP AND STOP LISTENING TO YOURSELVES TALK BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU'RE ALL RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION BUT HONESTLY WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK, AND IF YOU WANT TO GET RE-ELECTED, MAYBE IT WOULD HELP IF PEOPLE COULD LOOK AT THE DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS AND SAY "HEY LOOK, THOSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY DID A DAMN THING!"

We are just saying. We are saying with love! We are saying with love that you need to sit down and fix yourself a vodka snack and watch that entire goddamn video above, through the eyes of a spectator, and if by the end of it, you don't see things our way, recognize that you are WRONG, fix another vodka snack, and watch the goddamn thing again.

At the end of the hearing, Doug Collins had another little meltdown. By the new rules, he was allowed to deputize somebody on the Republican side to question Lewandowski for 30 minutes, but apparently the dog ate Collins's homework, so he tried to deputize himself. "You are not staff," replied Jerry Nadler, which was fuckin' hilarious because they had just had that fight over whether or not Barry Berke was staff. "You are not staff." Collins was SO MAD. So he stormed off to take a break and try to figure it out on the fly, but unfortunately Doug Collins is far too stupid to figure out something like that on the fly, so he came back and cried a lot instead.

Like we said, Must-See-TV.

This is how it's done.

Do better next time, Democrats.

Dammit.

[videos via Aaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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