Dear Republicans, Could You Please Stop Crying And Do Your Jobs For Five Minutes?

Still your problem, pal

With all of the drunk-quitting and SEX SCANDALS and absolute all-out civil war DRAMA in the Republican Party, and grown-ass men crying (literally, CRYING!) because the nihilist wing of the party is so mean, you probably forgot there's this small matter of keeping America, you know, open:

In a letter to Speaker John A. Boehner, Treasury Secretary Jacob J. Lew warned on Thursday that the government could run out of enough money to pay its obligations by Nov. 3 instead of Nov. 5, as previously predicted. While it is only a two-day difference, that can be an important distinction considering that the Republican-controlled Congress has shown a tendency to push matters until the last minute when acting on the debt limit and other politically charged fiscal deadlines.

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We recently Wonksplained at you about how it is Congress's job to, like, not let us run out of money. But since Congress sucks at its job and is always calling in drunk and bored and "DON'T WANNA," sometimes it costs us MILLIONS of dollars just to make those slackers show up to work and say "Yeah, OK, we'll keep the lights on for another few months" before they all go back to pulling each other's hair and crying. (Literally, CRYING.)

Sure, the Republican Party is all swept up in its own demise and swooning over Paul Ryan (LOL) and Newt Gingrich (LOLOLOLOL) and any other white penis they can find in a phone book who might be willing to save them, but the actual adult public servants who work in DC are like, "Yeah, there's this little matter we need you to tend to. Like, NOW."

And if congressional Republicans don't stop being a bunch of Heathers to do their actual job? Well, it's not good news:

“The first thing you’ll see is a market reaction,” said Doug Holtz-Eakin, head of the right-leaning American Action Forum and a former director of the Congressional Budget Office. “Then you’ve got dramatic impacts on consumer confidence, the world’s melting down again and they go into an economic fetal position … there’s just no good news there.”

We know, we know. There are the crazy conservative whacko extremists who don't give a wet hot fuck about America -- and then there are the really crazy conservative whacko extremists (looking at you, Freedom Caucus) who are gleefully trying to make it burn, motherfucker, burn.

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And then there's poor Boehner, sobbing all over his own whiskey dick, just trying to get the hell out of town already. But nope, until his fellow Republicans decide who the new boss of them is gonna be, he's stuck trying to make government happen. Which is the last thing his party wants.

If you guys could just take a quick intermission to save the world from melting down before Nov. 3, that would be great. Then you can go back to playing Mean Girls and breaking Congress while you're at it. Don't worry -- the Democratic Party is standing by to relieve you from the burden of having to be in charge in, oh, say ... January 2017? Does that work for you?

[NYT / The Hill]


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