Dear Salon, Set Your Dick On Fire And Eat It


The granddaddy of liberal internet news sites, Salon, has taken time off from begging the FBI to put Hillary Clinton in email jail, and urging young folk to skip voting this year if Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee, and is instead inviting you to consider, hey? Why not vote for Donald Trump? He may be a fascist, but there is one thing about him you cannot deny, and that is that Donald Trump is not Hillary Clinton. Salon ain't lyin'! Vote Donald Trump, you guys, for all the many good reasons laid out by Walker Bragman (the non-Haha Goodman half of the He Man Hillary Hater Bois Club) in his masterpiece, A Liberal Case for Donald Trump: The Lesser of Two Evils Is Not at All Clear in 2016. Let's learn stuff and things!

There are perhaps no three words more jarring to liberals than “President Donald Trump.” The GOP front-runner and presumptive nominee has undoubtedly made enemies with his nativist rhetoric and bellicose persona. That said, now that the race between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, with the former secretary of state essentially guaranteed the nomination, many liberals and progressives are preparing, once again, to vote for the lesser of two evils. The choice may not be as clear as some Democrats believe — especially if Democrats can take back the Senate and assure themselves of a check on a GOP House.

Once you’ve let that sink in, try this: There is a liberal case to be made for Donald Trump. The prospect of Trump defeating Clinton this November is not necessarily the apocalypse that some would lead you to believe. Here are some of the reasons why.

Blah blah blah boring thing, okay, got it.

1.) He’ll Change the Conversation

Perhaps the best thing I can say about Trump is that he speaks his mind. This sometimes leads to some pretty outlandish things, but not always. As Shane Ryan of Paste magazine, pointed out in a recent article, Trump has spent much of his time lately, railing against free trade and NAFTA, as well as the gross inequality in our system. Trump often talks about raising taxes on “hedge fund guys,” and he has acknowledged that the primary process is skewed in favor of the establishment.

Like Sanders, Trump is neither beholden to special interests, nor coordinating with a Super PAC. This alone sets him apart from the other candidates in the race — especially Hillary Clinton.

Campaign finance reform has become THE ISSUE for half of 2016's Democratic primary voters, displacing Obamacare, abortion rights, immigration, religious freedom for Muslims, global warming, the environment, welfare, voting rights, keeping cops from killing black kids, and keeping guns out of the hands of lunatics and two-year-olds and lunatic two-year-olds. So vote for the billionaire, because he ain't got a super PAC!

If he were to be elected, it would force our leaders to have a real conversation about these problems that they simply won’t have if the people elect an establishment candidate like Hillary Clinton. If anything, the narrative that would emerge from a Clinton presidency would be that change isn’t possible. The parties pick the candidates, and regardless of what their policies are, the people fall in line with them eventually. Power never truly changes hands.

Excusing the fact that Trump, himself, is a corporate interest, he would shake the current system to its core — which needs to happen.

That's one big fact to excuse when you're railing against corporate interests, but sure, the progressive might not change enough stuff fast enough, so vote for the guy who says he'd do the opposite. It is just #logic, the "math science of words."

2.) That said, most of his policies are DOA

In all likelihood, Trump will not accomplish anything. He has made serious enemies in both parties and the media, whom he feels have slighted him, and I cannot see him working with those people. Trump holds grudges. He has filed more frivolous lawsuits than anyone in the public eye — or maybe we just hear about them more. Either way, politics do require compromise to one degree or another, and without it, nothing gets done. As such, when Trump finds himself up against institutional and bureaucratic resistance, it is unlikely he will deliver. For example, his wall — paid for by Mexico — is never going to happen. Ban all Muslims from entering the U.S.? Not a chance.

But what if he does work with Congress?

Well, first off, we do not know what his platform will be when he hits the general election. He likely tack to the middle. Second, even if he does work with Congress, he is still not going to get his social policies passed. The Senate with its filibuster and cloture rules is enough of a check on that, even if Democrats do not have a majority. Basically, we will not have immigration reform, but we will not have people rounded up in the streets and deported. Third and most important of all: I do not need to trust Donald Trump in the same way I would have to trust Hillary Clinton were she elected. The reason for this is very simple: Trump represents the GOP brand, and Clinton claims the mantle of progressive. If Trump fails to accomplish anything in office, or if he manages to do whatever damage he can do, he will represent the Republicans. Moreover, rightly or wrongly, he represents America’s crypto-fascist element. The best way to discredit both of these groups is to let them fail on their own. Trump will not succeed as a president.

On the flip side, if Hillary Clinton screws up by compromising too much (which is likely) or doing too little (also likely), progressivism will take a big hit in the public eye, which is something we cannot afford.

Hey, it's me, this idiot!

"I, Walker Bragman, am sure the Dems will pick up the Senate, and even if they don't, the Republicans will definitely let them filibuster everything and will not say 'the Dems did the nucular option so we gonna do the nucular option times infinity because don't know if y'all noticed but we are CRAZY and will repeal Obamacare four times before breakfast but this time President Trump will sign it YEEHAW.' That is what I, Walker Bragman, am espousing here with a straight face. Also I am once again reiterating that it is better to have a Republican succeed at stuff than a progressive fail, because I wanted to make sure you heard me the first time."

3.) The 2020 election looms

Now we arrive at the point where I start sounding old Jud Crandall from Stephen King’s “Pet Semetary.” [sic] Progressives and Democrats should be focusing on the election in 2020 because 1) it is a census year — meaning the makeup of the House of Representatives for the following decade will depend on down-ballot voting — and 2) there may be openings on the Supreme Court.


Historically, the party in control of the White House loses seats in the midterm. A Trump presidency would force Democrats to organize and turn out in the off-year. And it might provide a head-start on taking back the chamber in 2020

IDEA: Maybe the Democrats could focus on every election???

4.) I’m Not Afraid of Donald Trump

Some of you might be reading this and thinking to yourselves: “That’s all well and good, but Trump is dangerous.” I understand those feelings. Donald Trump’s messages on social policy have been mixed at best, and fascistic at worst. His approach to climate science is frightening considering the dire situation our planet is in. Trump is also the kind of man who would use the office of the president to aggrandize himself, and punish his detractors — well, attempt to do so, like in his many libel and slander suits. Over the last twenty years the powers of the president have expanded considerably as commander-in-chief, and that’s concerning, too. Additionally, there is the matter of the Supreme Court of United States.

But aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the Trump presidency?

Trump will not transform America’s oligarchy into a fascist dictatorship, nor is he the second coming of Hitler. Our political culture precludes such a shift within any one presidency.

LOL, of course not. That's Hillary Clinton's job!

Blah blah blah all the ways Hillary Clinton is the worst and Donald Trump is against NAFTA and doesn't like China and they would both bomb ISIS and be terrible on foreign policy but for some reason that is a reason to vote for Donald Trump because Walker Bragman MUST PUNISH THE WHORE CLINTON MUST PUNISH HER SO BAD, and also ...

Trump’s foreign policy talk has alienated our allies like the United Kingdon [sic], and that isn’t something to take lightly. However, it has also earned praise from Vladimir Putin.

Just gonna leave that right there.

Finally, let’s talk about the Supreme Court.

We have no way of predicting who Trump would appoint, but we can speculate with Hillary Clinton. While she has said that her litmus test for nominees will be commitment to overturning Citizens United v. FEC, there is little reason to trust her given how much she benefits from the current campaign finance system that is a product of that ruling and others. Clinton’s reliance on dark money and coordination with super PACs, along with her lack of serious discussion and failure to prioritize this issue belie her promise to reform.

"She promises to try to overturn Citizens United, but is obviously lying, so vote for the guy who doesn't promise to try to overturn it. Also, you know what would be great? If Hillary Clinton refused to take corporate money to run against the GOP in the general, because Donald Trump will definitely not take any money and it will totally be a fair fight, for sure. Isn't everybody comfortable here in our pure little uncompromised haven? Oh, you are not comfortable because you are a five year old who didn't eat today because they took away school lunch, and Medicare, and the Justice System, and the EPA, because they abolished the IRS when they repealed Obamacare? Sucks to be you. Maybe Paul Ryan will give you lunch in a brown paper bag."

This is the single most important, and inclusive problem today because it affects our ability to deal with every other issue.

I disagree! But maybe Salon is not in a position to talk about doing things for "dark money," when they are shitting on everything they stood for to grub some pageviews with morally putrid nonsense like this!

It is also the one area Democrats are not necessarily better than Republicans. President Barack Obama’s recent Supreme Court nominee, Eric Garland, is one of the judges responsible for the disastrous v. FEC ruling which gave us Super PACs, and upheld Citizens United.

You sure do know all the stuff. I am sorry I did not believe you before.

UPDATE! Don't know how we missed it before, but Walker Bragman is blaming Merrick Garland for not overturning the Supreme Court's Citizen United. Which is NOT A THING AN APPEALS COURT CAN DO. Or as we like to call it, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS UTTER MORON GETTING PAID TO WRITE ANYTHING ABOUT ANY TOPIC THAT IS NOT HIS OWN ASSHOLE. Now back to our regularly scheduled GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Trump has talked about appointing additional Scalias. That’s dangerous — and all the more reason to hope Democrats take back the Senate, but also play hardball as well as Republicans have in the last year.

But if they don't, then shruggy emoticon, because at least Donald Trump is not that bitch Hillary Clinton.

In the end, it is doubtful that the more negative aspects of Trump’s platform will ever come to pass. In 2016, the lesser-of-two-evils is not so clear.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a><a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]And the Salon editors crowd around each other, clapping themselves on their backs and raising Walker Bragman in a victory pile, because once again they just got one MILLION pageviews, and all they had to do was spit on their own history and turn into Breitbart.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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