Defund The Fart Police!
Yet another tale of police abuse, this time from the nation of Austria, which if you are Donald Trump you may need to remind yourself is the one in Europe, not the one in the southern hemisphere. Also if you are Donald Trump, fuck you and resign, you crook. Police in Vienna are defending the decision to fine a man €500 (roughly $560 in real money) for farting loudly in front of police officers on June 5. The fine was technically for "offending public decency" by deliberately farting in the officers' general direction, as if he were some sort of odd French person taunting them.
The city police department clarified on Twitter that "of course no one is reported for accidentally letting one go." This is good to know, and we hope it somehow makes it into a US State Department travel advisory.
The police explained that before the man uncorked one with malice (and possibly sauerkraut) aforethought, he had behaved "provocatively and uncooperatively" toward officers, though the Guardian didn't specify the exact nature of that encounter. We checked other sources and didn't find any more details either, not even in an Associated Press story at the New York Times. No, it's not worth using one of your free monthly pageviews for the thrill of seeing the word "fart" in the Times's iconic font. But because we are servicey, here it is:
The police statement did say the man
got up from a park bench, looked at officers and "let go a massive intestinal wind apparently with full intent," they said. "And our colleagues don't like to be farted at so much."
Apparently these Wieners are an oversensitive lot, if a little tootflute practice gives them the vapors.
Newsweek sniffed out the real poop from Reddit, which didn't have any information on what preceded the outburst, but added this value from a comment in reply to the story, noting that the second paragraph of the law against noisome noises specifies that
For the purpose of parking or to avoid the threat of continuing undue disturbing noise, organs of the public security service can ensure the objects with which the noise is generated or, if this is not possible due to the nature of the object or for other reasons, is suitably put out of operation.
And wouldn't THAT be a pain in the keister?
As of press time, it is not believed the man is in any way connected to the infamous yodeling vegan baby butthole incident of 2017, but Yr Wonkette will keep an eye out for further developments. This story's a gas, gas, gas, and we really have a nose for news.
Also, we should note that had this happened in the USA, five demonstrators would have been tased and the National Park Police would deny any gas at all was used. And Donald Trump would completely fail to make the obvious Twitter joke, so we'll do it for him, using the first fake Trump tweet generator we find:
It's a pity Johnnie Cochran is no longer available to speak up in the man's defense, perhaps to point out that the situation could have been much worse: "If he did not shit, you must acquit."
Smell ya later, Wonkers.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.