Delaware Republicans Chose This QAnon, Flat-Earther, Drug Dealer To Be Their Senate Latex Salesman

2020 Congressional Elections
Delaware Republicans Chose This QAnon, Flat-Earther, Drug Dealer To Be Their Senate Latex Salesman

Conservative Max Boot paid Democrats a sort of backhanded compliment the other day. He noted that Delaware Sen. Chris Coons beat his socialist opponent in the Democratic primary race with 75 percent of the vote. Boot compared that rout to Delaware Republicans choosing a QAnon fancier as their nominee. He asked, "Remind me of which party is in the grip of extremists?"

The “well, duh" answer is obviously the GOP, but it's important to stress that someone who supports the Green New Deal — you know, aggressively confronting climate change when the West Coast is on fire — is hardly “extreme." It's not the same ballpark as conservative conspiracy theorists who see pedophiles hiding in every van on every American street.

Coons's primary opponent was Jessica Scarane, an activist and member of the Democratic Socialists of America. Here's a campaign video featuring Scarane being perfectly sane and rational.

I scanned Scarane's Twitter and everything seemed to check out — no piles of bones in the corner. Now, let's talk about Lauren Witzke, who won Delaware's Republican Senate primary. She campaigned on a platform of banning all immigration for at least 10 years. The Statue of Liberty doesn't say much about clean energy but it does make a point about “huddled masses."

These are words from the person who beat the state GOP-endorsed candidate by 14 points.

WITZKE: We can actually have people to come here for our values us and not our benefit, you see what I mean? Not just here to take advantage the value of our dollar.


WITZKE: Right now, currently do we really even know what the qualifications are to, like, come into the United States? No.

That's just your dumb ass. The rest of us can Google.

WITZKE: We bring in 1.1 million migrants a year, and that's not including the ones that come in illegally. We have about a million people in the state of Delaware, so every year we are bringing in a state of Delaware into the United States, pretty much unfiltered, so I'd like to put a hold on that and I'd like to give America the chance to heal.

I'm picking up a slight whiff of jackboots.

Not long after her victory, she was congratulated by Nick Fuentes, a white nationalist and Holocaust denier.


She had no problem with this endorsement. That's not a shock, considering she recently posted racist crap about House Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar on her Instagram. “Import the Third World, become the Third World" was her caption. Classy.


Prior to entering politics, Witzke was a drug-dealing heroin addict. She admitted this during the campaign and everything.

"I ended up in a situation that I never thought I'd find myself in: I was running drugs, actually, for the Mexican cartels," Witzke said. "These people came here 100% legally, chain migration brought people here who will sell drugs to Americans and not think twice if it will kill them. They will sell these drugs to American children; they will sell them to your families, and they don't care."

Seems like Witzke was the one selling drugs to American children, but oh well, Mexicans who were here legally are apparently to blame for Witzke losing her job, getting hooked on pain killers, and quickly cycling through the "Sign o' the Times" stages of drug addiction. She also confessed to "selling people's identities, as in their birth certificates, in exchange for drugs."

She takes zero responsibility for her crappy life choices. This is from her website bio.

She is a young, passionate conservative who spent several years working in the pharmaceutical industry. Lauren unwittingly participated in the pharmaceutical industries agenda which led to the nationwide opioid addiction crisis

How do you willingly work in the pharmaceutical industry while unwittingly participating in its “agenda"? Did she think they were just selling puppies and not “cures" for restless leg syndrome and mopey dicks?

Ironically, she found herself hopelessly addicted as well, and even worked for drug cartel families and illicit organized crime gangs from Detroit.

I'm all for people changing their lives, but this is the only impressive thing she's done prior to winning a major party nomination for Senate. Witzke has the ideal “no angel" background for a victim of police violence, except she's white and blonde so she's worthy of reforming herself and becoming a productive member of society, unlike her Mexican drug cartel accomplices. She's all “back the blue" now because she was never at risk of getting shot in the back during her Breaking Bad phase.

Witzke claims that Coons supports open borders (he doesn't). He even disagreed with Nancy Pelosi that Donald Trump's WALL is immoral. He thinks it's just a “piece of infrastructure." But Witzke is certain Jeff Flake's BFF wants to "enable these foreigners to come in and take American jobs, to bring in these illicit drugs that are killing Americans."

Trump's election somehow inspired Witzke to get sober. Most Americans had the opposite reaction. Unfortunately, she can't blame drug use for her wackier beliefs now. She was a full-on QAnon-er until October when she expressed her frustration that “Q" wasn't moving quickly enough to stop the pedophile satanists.

From The Daily Beast:

Witzke referred to a mythical folder on Anthony Wiener's laptop that QAnon believers think holds proof that, as Witzke puts it, implicates "Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin for child sacrifice, child sex trafficking."

"I don't understand why we're waiting on Q to pull the trigger," Witzke said. "He's apparently part of the NSA or whatever, then it's time to release the documents, release everything."

She hasn't quite quit Q, though. She was photographed wearing a “We Are Q" T-shirt in June, and last month, her campaign organized a rally to "Save The Children," which is apparently some sort of QAnon gateway code term. It's like The Matrix with those people.

Coons won his last Senate race with 55 percent of the vote, and 2014 was a terrible year for Democrats. He's probably got this, but let's not take anything for granted. Send the senator a few bucks just to be on the safe side. Did I mention Witzke's a flat-Earther? No? I was busy. She is.

[The Daily Beast]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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