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My Little Pony: Friendship is a Plot to Take Away Our Liberty


We hope Our Gentle Readers will forgive us for dipping into the email archives for this week's Dear ShitferBrains, but quite frankly, we suffered something of a dearth of truly awful comments this week. Sure, we had the one guy who posted about 600 variations on "Hillary Clinton enables rapists," and the doofus who accused Evan of writing like a "skinny wigger at a frat party," but they didn't really do anything for us, so we figured it was time to unleash on you all this missive from Concerned Reader "Gjes," who wrote us at the end of August to complain about our outrageous slanders -- in May 2016 -- of Constitutional Sheriff Pam Elliott. Elliott is a sheriff down in Texas who knows just exactly what the facts is, and who runs Edwards County with an iron fist, keeping a close law enforcement eye on troublemakers like Democrats, Latinos, and the local school superintendent. Our story was based on a much more extensive piece from the Texas Observer by Alex Hannaford, but "Gjes" took the time to write to us for doing bad reporting -- no idea whether he (we'll assume) also griped at Mr. Hannaford.

Gjes's unique prose style shone through in the cover email for his urgent reply to our piece from four months prior:

Dr. Zoomer:

Attached you will find a (rebuttal ) to the lousy piece you did against my friend Sheriff Elliott, you do sail on ''Her Majesty s USS Bullshit '' don't you.

You need to know the content of the story before to just throw this crap out there.

have a great day in liberal Boise

Silly guy doesn't even know Boise is landlocked! Or that you can have a USS Bullshit or an HMS Bullshit (one of Gilbert & Sullivan's few flops -- cowflops, in fact), but not both. If a mere civilian landlubber knows more about naval nomenclature than Gjes, we almost think this guy is not the former Special Operator he claims to be.

Forthwith, Gjes's (rebuttal) to our piece, which even took issue with our headline, "Texas Sheriff Lady Fights Tyranny By Intimidatin’ Gross Democrat And Latino Voters." We have altered the piece only to clean up some of the idiosyncratic spacing and quotations -- poor guy doesn't seem to have noticed there's a key to make them, so instead he typed pairs of apostrophes throughout (we left one of those intact so you can see the odd-looking outcome):

ATT: Doktor Zoom / A.K.A. Marty Kelley

"Texas Sheriff fights tyranny"

5/3/2016

Mr. Boise, ID

I know I’m late to the party but WTF, you should have stopped the title like I did!!!! and you would have been right, Sheriff Elliott will stop Tyranny at all cost, it’s her duty, she has taken an OATH, bless God I was recently on the interweb looking for some good news about a friend of mine,

I stumbled across this article where you attacked my friend, Sheriff Pam Elliott of Edwards County, TX

I ask you sir are there any political motives behind that negative slanted ‘’ Lady Texas Sheriff’’ so called journalism piece you did.

Considering we are a political humor blog, and we explicitly mocked her insane politics, which lean toward the sovereign-citizen type, we'll have to plead guilty on this one. Yes. We find Sheriff Elliott both hilarious and terrifying.

Sheriff Elliott I know for a fact is salt of the earth, she has served our country well over seas & if I may say Sheriff Elliott is & will always serve the people in her county as well.

So the question remains, are you a left wing leaning political hack, out to smear all the good & decent conservative God fearing folks like Sheriff Elliott,

I pray for the day I could have a "Walking Tall Sheriff" like Sheriff Elliott, in my county, instead I have some left wing pussyfooter, as Sheriff, who runs a money laundering operation with all the un-just tickets they write.

This is Biblical, you attacking a good and decent Sheriff like this, when wrong becomes right & right becomes wrong. I just hope & pray Sheriff Elliott (STANDS TALL) thru all these unjust attacks against her, people in her county couldn’t ask for a better "Walking Tall Sheriff" who stands for RIGHT & who is against WRONG, we must be in the last days with all you left wing dems attacking all people who stand for something.

Quiz: What is Gjes's favorite movie? You are correct, it is Xanadu.

In 08’ & 12’ elections we had over 200,000 dead people voting for Democrats & in Cleveland not one vote went for Romney? that does not strike you as odd. I didn’t think everyone in Cleveland was screwed up.

We are left with some Illuminati plant who uses 3 different Social Security numbers. The lame stream media just turns a blind eye. While our country has gone to Hell.

I guarantee Sheriff Elliott won’t let Edwards County go to hell, she will pray for them on Sunday but on Monday she may have to arrest evil. I have black ops in my past I would not hesitate to "Got your back" with her, I would trust her with my life, Sheriff Elliott is someone you would want with you when the preferable shit hit the fan, she has more guts than a lot who wear a badge, have.

Ah, yes, the inevitable "I am a former Black Ops agent" reveal. Why is Gjes trusting a known liberal America-hater with this information? Won't that compromise operational security, not to mention agents currently in the field? This letter has FALSE FLAG written all over it. In crayon. Also, admire the combination of election fraud, Illuminati, and birtherism in two brief paragraphs.

I thank God he has blessed us in the Sheriff world with such a strong Sheriff, God pity your wicked soul for attacking Sheriff Elliott.

We need more Sheriffs with guts like she has to combat evil & wrong, who isn’t afraid to stand toe to toe against an overreaching corrupt Government Agents, & say bring it on. Have you seen the impressive hardware she wears on her hip, Lord have mercy, I bet she can shoot lights out with that thing, we both use the same weapon!! We should worship the ground she walks on & feel lucky to have her.

God pity the fool if anything happens to her & I find out about it. Great Sheriffs like her are hard to come by, only the unsaved don’t like her and attack her with such HS articles.

He likes her gun, and has one just like it. Ergo, good law enforcer, and let's not worry too much about the voter intimidation and the attempts to infiltrate a Democratic party meeting in a private home. Gotta keep those demons under surveillance anyway. We're not sure whether Gjes meant we'd written a "high school article" or a "BS article;" both seem equally likely.

The next bit may need a reminder that "CSPOA" is the "Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association," the loony group formed by former sheriff Richard Mack -- the genius who proposed sending all the women out to get killed at the Bundy Ranch standoff in 2014. It's a club for law enforcement types who believe the Constitution has a secret clause designating county sheriffs the highest legitimate level of law enforcement.

If this country only had 100 more just like her, this country could be taken back from the God hating Liberals. & corrupt dark Agents who ruin this country.

Sheriff Elliott to have been put on the cover one of the great Sheriffs (Richard Mack) book, just speaks volumes, of the respect he has of her. Sheriff Mack just doesn’t put just anyone on one of his books.

The left wing whack job Hitlerary Clinton. Now she should be in prison. Along with Billy.

Let’s get back to Boise, you know why it’s the weirdest little town in the West, to many damn liberals have ruined it, Just like Mr. Kelley, whenever a bunch of your types get together it gets so bad the devil don’t even want to hang around.

Dark Agents! That was one of our favorite video games. Also, Portland and Seattle are gonna be sooooo jealous to find out Boise has the monopoly on weirdness in the West. We cannot verify that statement about the Devil, because if he's not in town, then just who was that at the crossroads telling Sen. Mike Crapo to un-undorse Donald Trump, huh?

Like any good Patriot, Gjes closes with a reminder that great patriot Sheriffs like Richard Mack and Pam Elliott are out there to protect even our worthless commie asses, even though we all deserve to be deported or shot or at least watched very carefully for signs of commie preversion. And to make sure we answer to the Coca-Cola company:

As for CSPOA, don’t worry Zoomer they may just save your ASTERISK * someday, Sheriff Mack, Sheriff Elliott, Sheriff Palmer, and all the Great Sheriffs take an oath so if I where you sailing on her majesty’s USS Bullshit, better get off that ship & be grateful where are out here, CYA, Mr. Zoomer.

I would even go there talking smack about Sheriff Mack, he is the modern day Buford Pusser, he has all my respect. My membership to Club CSPOA is lifetime.

Sheriff Elliott, is HMFIC by that, she deserves our respect.

regards

J.Gjesdal

Ex- White Knight, Ex- Agency Black Ops

c.c. Sheriff Elliott

c.c. Sheriff Mack

Yr Editrix did reply to Gjes to ask what a "White Knight" was in this context, but sadly, he never got back to her.

We're also vaguely concerned that "CYA, Mr. Zoomer" may have been a threat of some sort, but surely a Patriot would never threaten a fellow citizen for exercising their sacred First Amendment right to Free Speach, would they? We certainly hope such a great patriot and supporter of the Constitution wouldn't resort to anything so low.

In any case, Gjes, here is your (rebuttal), and as we understand folks say in Texas, bless your heart.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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