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Yr Doktor Zoom is back from a week on "vacation," which means I got the chance to experience our national horrorshow for a few days without having to write anything about it. Except on Twitter, where I was of course arguing in my spare time. But now I'm back and it's time to delve into the Troll Bin to see what manner of derp accumulated while I was away. Quite a bit of dumbassery!


We appear to have received a return visit from a commenter with the perplexing habit of ending every sentence with a comma instead of a period; they last visited almost exactly a year ago, when they went by the username UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL. The commas were the biggest giveaway that UFNT had returned like some weird right-leaning salmon; there were also stylistic quirks, like calling people "sweetie" and the highly original witticism "Wankette." As for what the troll had to say -- this time around going as "GROPENOTMOAN" -- it was some pretty creative stuff!

  • Nothing quite as funny as watching all you impotently raging loser Liberals in your daily mental meltdowns, throwing your Hillary dolls from your #StillWithHer-themed cribs like the whiny disgusting babies that you are while President Trump is erasing you from history one Executive Order at a time,
  • Haha, nothing quite as funny as watching Liberal hypocrites whine about this after not giving a fuck for eight years under their Messiah Barack,
  • There's nothing quite so satisfying as watching this loathsome Communists devour each other,
  • nothing quite as funny as impotent Liberal rage,
  • When the Democrat Party sends its people to the Wankette message-boards, they're not exactly sending their best,
  • "Everyone I Don't Like is Fascist: The Emotional Child's Guide to Political Discussion",
  • "Everyone I Don't Like is Hitler: The Emotional Child's Guide to Political Discussion",
  • Lmao, the only thing you'll see in November will be insides of a toilet bowl as you're vomiting your failed suicide attempt Tide Pods,

Nothing quite as sad as seeing a troll who's barely even trying, is there? Still, it's an honor to finally meet the star of that old joke about the guy who had his semicolon removed, and now has to punctuate into a rubber bag,

There was also a guy calling himself "Freedom Fiter," whose username I kept misreading as "Freedom Filter," which might have been a bit more creative. He had many important thoughts about the importance of the freedom to be exploited by employers:

  • There are Second Amendment remedy for snowflakes who disrespect our chosen leader.
  • [on John Bolton: ] I think he will speak for America, get tough with our leftist enemies and bring back the best of Putin's ideas. God knows we need more Putin and less Obamasnowflake. #MAGA #HailTrump
  • We have broken the criminal power of public employees. Now they get to compete for a market wage like the rest of us. No public employee should be able to buy a house or a new car on my money, these are weak people who just can't make it in business.
  • Public employees used to be called SERVANTS. Why should they have it so easy? Trat them like servants and let them compete for there jobs.
  • Unions are for the weak and they are DONE. Let each man bargain his own working conditions. #MAGA
  • Unions have made public employees lazy and dependent on free stuff. Now they get to learn how to work Saturdays and respect the man who has the power to fire them, and all for a fair market wage. Better sell those houses and cars, you get to be like the rest of us.

Ah, but there's at least one kind of public-employee union that Freedom Fluffer likes:

Police need unions to protect them from Leftist interferance.

Well obviously. A Wonker tried to point out that unions had gained all sorts of good things, like the "40 hour week, minimum wages, health and safety standards, unemployment insurance, social security and Medicare," but Freedom Fracker wasn't fooled, because nobody in a free country needs such extravagances:

Those are all for the weak. Here's an idea, you want health care? WORK HARDER. You want education for your children? WORK FASTER. You want to save for retirement? WORK LONGER. Take vacation when you die. Unions made too many people into spoiled brats, expecting Saturday and 40 hours. Better learn how to say "Yes sir of course I'll stay late again"!

You will be astonished to learn that when someone asked Freedom Filker what line of work he's in, he replied,

I am an engineer LOL

A libertarian who thinks the Gilded Age was the pinnacle of labor relations turns out to be an engineer? You could knock us over with a cantilevered feather. We were also impressed by Freedom Fluttershy's thoughtful, detailed reply to a meme some Wonker posted:


NOT SO! It's all a matter of perspective, explained Freedom Fooker:

Keep them FREE to earn what we deserve

Keep them WORKING HARD to BUY a fair amount of health care

Keep them GOD FEARING and free from Leftist "science"

FREE THE WOMEN to live the life clearly stated by the Word of God

I fixed it.

It really was an impressive display of doublethink, especially the science and ladyparts stuff -- and yes, our troll knows that with a name like Freedom Fluckers, you've got to have an even more delicious political stance than, say, Mangled Baby Ducks:

Liberals are a culture of death. The Conservative majority of this country will make sure every one of God's precious babies is born, then each man will work to take care of his own. Birth control kills babies and we're coming for your pills next.

How smart is this engineer, who is the very epitome of knowing smart things?

Our First Lady isn't MS-13. Mexicans are.

"El Salvador" is Mexico, isn't it?

We'll close today with a thought from "Alexander," who managed to spew some 200-plus comments in the space of a day or two. He's such a very special troll that we'll save his fine work for our next Shitferbrains, probably. But for now, here's a taste of at least one of his usual tropes:

[Donald Trump] gave up everything to save us. We will be eternally grateful for the redemption of the Republic.

Kind of makes you want to start humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," don't it? Or maybe that happy little ditty by Lilly Allen from a few years back:


We've always loved that piano intro's nod to the opening chords of The Carpenters' "Close to You." It's so cheerful!

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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