Today is a good day to chew scenery

Evan's little post advising America's #TEENS to go ahead and protest gun violence, even in the face of stupid, stupid threats from school administrators, went kind of huge on the interwebs this week. It didn't hurt that author goddess Cheryl Strayed retweeted it, either -- Hi Cheryl!) As with any post that goes big, we also got a fair amount of Big Derp in reply, because who are you people telling Our Children what to do, and using such potty language to do so anyway, also GUNS R GOOD. There was so much Prime Stupid that we'll have a second helping for you next week.

Let's jump right in, but for Crom's sake wear eye protection and nose plugs. Not surprisingly, we heard, at great length, from a Constitution Gunsplainer guy calling himself "MrNico," who also made a point of flagging for moderator review some 30 or so comments from people with whom he disagreed. Thanks for the extra work, asshole! "MrNico" wanted to let us know that it is gust plain UNPOSSIBLE to restrict the ownership of any kinds of armaments, because CONSTITUTION:

Apparently a bunch of whiny bitches need to go back to school and learn about the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and how they cannot be changed by Congress or anyone else without an Amendment being ratified by 75% of the states. And that includes anything regarding guns or any arms of any kind.

That's just really bad Con Law, buddy. The rights enumerated in the Bill of Rights are pretty strong, but they aren't absolute, which is why the First Amendment still allows prosecutions for libel, slander, and immediate, specific threats, not to mention civil suits over theft of intellectual property. And limits on rights to firearms possession have been upheld again and again -- as this excellent review of the 2nd Amendment notes, the idea that the Holy Second enshrines an individual right (as opposed to a discussion of the collective rights of the irregular militia) is very much a modern innovation, a creation of the NRA. And even the Heller decision acknowledged that the government can still restrict some firearms, a point the Supremes have reinforced several times since Heller. Sorry, "MrNico," you're the one who has the Constitution wrong.

When a couple of Wonkers pointed out that there are actually two clauses to the 2nd Amendment, and one of them is about that well-regulated militia, "MrNico" gunsplained them right into the ground, complete with Historical Context:

  • Sorry Captain dildo, apparently you flunked history class as well. ALL male able-bodied citizens are part of the militia. In fact, even the women and children rolled powder and ball in paper to make it easier and faster for the men to reload. The men would gather regularly and practice shooting to maintain their skill, and it's incumbent on citizens today to do the same even though we generally don't rely on out shooting skill for food and survival like they did. Try reading a book some time. 'Paul Revere's Ride' by David Hackett Fisher is a good one.
  • You people get so hung up on a perceived definition of regulated that's only been around since the 70s and over-regulation by the government as well. Of course firearms have changed, but that's irrelevant. So have communications and transportation and infrastructure. So unless you want us to all go back to writing on parchment with quill pens on parchment, to be delivered by men on horses and using wells and outhouses, that argument is absurd.
  • You're hung up on the post-1970s view of regulation as being rules by the government, which is not at all what it means. Well-regulated means the duty of every man to maintain his own proficiency on his dime, as there was no standing army. And it applied not to muskets, but to Cannon and powder, which the British Regulars tried to steal from the colonists, starting the war on 19 April 1775. And it still does. Congress has zero authority to regulate any arms at all. Only a constitutional amendment change would be legal and just.

Even if he's right about the 18th-century meaning of "well-regulated," MrNico is a bit too quick to blow right past the meaning of "militia," a point that, as it happens, Wonkette's Own Robyn Pennachia discusses in some detail here -- in a story that was liked by MSD high hero Emma Gonzales, no less. The Founders distrusted a standing army, so the militia was meant as a primary means of national defense. Even so, that doesn't give anyone the right to buy their very own M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank. And no matter how much "MrNico" argues that laws banning private ownership of unlicensed machine guns are unconstitutional, no federal court is ever likely to overturn them. No General Electric M134 Minigun for you, bud.

And yes, he also gunsplained, tediously, that the Las Vegas shooter could have killed all those people by crashing a private plane into the crowd, too, so limits on bump stocks or semiautomatic rifles are illogical.

We also heard from "crypticposter21035647863943," whose email address, we kid you not, was "TimelessHero790@[domain redacted]." No ego issues there, huh? (Oh, fine, it's a video game reference.) Ol' CrypticTimeless also has a unique understanding of the Constitution: Since the 2nd Amendment is absolute and immutable, it's actually treason to protest in favor of stronger gun laws:

Good to see there's finally some action being done to preserve our Second Amendment Rights. Most certainly a step in the right direction to be sure. Hopefully the next step will involve punishment for anyone who participates in these walkouts and protests OUTSIDE of school, too. For your information, protesting to tear down our Country and its Heritage is not only illegal, but treasonous because The Constitution of the United States of America is the Law of the Land. Punishment! Here's praying for these misinformed and willful students that they may come to grips with reality through receiving a full weeks suspension or more and the like if needed, this to learn well the nature of their punishment. [...] Those Anti-American ingrates are about ready to receive a rude awakening: You don't mess with the Second Amendment and you sure as heck don't mess with Texas.

With that being said, I'm so glad I stopped by this site to rub it in the faces of the opposition.

Nice little logic box there -- presumably, TimelessShitferbrains might agree with "MrNico's (VERY MISTAKEN) insistence that guns can only be regulated through amending the Constitution. But you'd better not march for such an amendment, since that's treason. Also, the punishment for treason is no longer life in prison or execution; it's a week's suspension. You'll recognize this guy at the Teabagger rally: he's the one waving a picture of Obama and shouting "Send him home for a week!" Also, boy, did he ever trigger us!

But wait! By that logic, CryptlessShitposter is calling for restrictions on FREE SPEACH, and the 1st Amendment is also the Law of the Land, so we're gonna report him for treason just as soon as we get all the tinfoil off his head. Somewhere, the Third Amendment sighed and wondered yet again why no one ever gets het up about quartering soldiers in private homes.

Finally, we'll close with some Tweeter thoughts captured by Evan, from some schlub named Joe:

Joe was pretty darn emphatic about that: Just to make sure, he also left an identical sentiment in the comments (which we don't even allow). He wants a debate about Evan's potty mouth, and also the promoting Anarchy, you bet. So obviously, he never stopped until he got a response from Evan, or maybe from Wonkette. In the chat cave, we asked Evan a little more about that:

We should also note that Joe's only other activity on Disqus was this October 2017 comment on a site making fun of heavy metal bands, which certainly outdoes TimelessWhatever when it comes to cryptic:

I'd Like to spank her big ass..

Talk about anarchy! We'll have more outrage over Evan's attack on the nation's youth for you next week, barring any larger Derp Explosions.

And finally finally, a postscript to last week's Dear Shitferbrains. Some guy calling himself "T Minus" totally destroyed Wonkette by pointing out that for all the talk of the shooter being a white supremacist, that didn't make any sense because the shooter actually killed "random straight, blond hair/blue eyed white males, who aren’t Jewish." We noted that, regardless of the victims' identity (several of the kids were Jewish), the guy definitely had expressed racist opinions on the interwebs. We also noted that "T-Minus" might have wanted to make sure white supremacists weren't slurred by association with a mass killer, since "T-Minus's" own throwaway email address was "“theredpill88@[redacted]” -- and as we know, "88" is shorthand for "Heil Hitler."

This didn't sit well with the lad, who dropped by with a new throwaway Disqus account to complain -- twice! -- that we'd libeled him and just plain lied about his email, because we are lying liars who just call anyone who questions us a "racist":

I knew I’d be banned, but I didn’t think you would actually lie to your own readers about my email. Screaming “NAZI!!! HITLER!!!” at everyone who threatens your intellectual laziness is getting old; even worse, it’s predictable.

But then again, what other excuse would you have to delete my comment? Can’t your readers think for themselves?

Nicholas Dworet was a straight blond hair/blue eyed Christian. Many of Cruz’s victims were straight white Christian males - Cruz was Jewish.

How does this fit into your “white supremacist shooting spree” theory?

He later deleted the account, which scrubbed that comment from public view, but surprise! Disqus saved it as "Guest" in my moderator view. It saves all deleted comments, including the one he's insisting did not have that email address attached to it. Guess what?

What's that? ENHANCE! (Yes, this image is modified: we blanked the domain to protect this prick's privacy):

We look forward to his next new Disqus account, in which he insists we photoshopped that email in there.

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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