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Our deleted commenters just don't seem to be getting any smarter as the Trump Years progress, and one of our recent visitors, an extremely garrulous gent calling himself "Kell," was awfully insistent on sharing a whole bunch of "facts" that weren't particularly true. It was pretty stunning, really, for a guy who insisted he detests both parties equally, but of course those evil Dems more. After all, an independent still has opinions, you know. At great length. Happily, we will edit them, accurately but severely.


It looks like "Kell" first arrived here to take issue with our headline about that hero restaurant lady who wouldn't stand for a male customer getting ass-grabby. He felt so passionate about our clearly ignorant phrasing -- we said she "body-slammed" him -- that he corrected the headline not once, but twice, although to make clear he was repeating himself, he didn't bother changing the phrasing much:

To have a "body slam", 2 things are required...1. a BODY...2. being SLAMMED!...that's it! In order to "SLAM" a human "body" it has to picked up 1st, not grabbed by its shirt collar and drug into a wall...then "SLAMMED" back into the floor from which it was lifted! Have done it many times real world, (18 years army airborne infantry with some spec ops here and there).....so...yeah! If she were one of my kids, she would have followed that drag up with a 2 or 3 ounce "tap" to his throat, thus seriously ending that confrontation...decisively! Dude would still require an ice pack!

So sure, a nice move, but not a body slam, you amateurs. He went on a good bit more about his love of pro rasslin' too. Hope you don't mind we left that out.

"Kell" is very proud of having definitely been in the special forces, because that taught him all about self defense, loving America, and killing America's enemies in hand-to-hand combat, which he did a whole lot. During mostly peacetime service, Grenada and Gulf War I notwithstanding. In that same comment -- did we mention it was much lengthier? -- he let us know he's 58 years old, retired, and served in 49 countries during his 18-year military career, which seems a tad improbable. He added elsewhere he'd served in the "2/325th AIR, 82nd Abn. Div. (Ranger) '77 thru '95," which seems not quite to fit with a later claim he made, as you'll see.

"Kell" is yet another victim of Liberal Tolerance, too: he insisted we had "memory holed" his comments, which is just not true. At least not until we actually deleted them when we wrote this thing. So he can add "computer expert" to his profile.

He also had a very funny name for Barack Obama, whom he called "King Putt," because it is an objective fact that Barack Obama was so obsessed with golf that over eight years, he golfed more than any other president except the guy who golfs far more frequently than Barack Obama. But it was bad when Obama did it. Obama, you see, had "the MOST vacation time and money spent in the entire history of this nation" (oh, wait, that's a lie, too: by this point in their presidencies, Obama had vacationed less than Trump has, and both far less than George W).

"Kell" mentioned all those non-record-setting vacations in passing, on the way to the amazing truth -- which almost nobody knows -- about how Obama and Hillary Clinton conspired to smuggle arms from Libya (also a lie)

to arm ours and Syria's enemy, al queada and isis, imagine that! (two groups of massive assholes I've had the pleasure of removing permanently from the planet! You're welcome!) and got our ambassador and 6 security people killed to hide it! Another FACT!

Yes, he was talking about Benghazi, where four Americans died (Ambassador Chris Stevens and three, not six, security contractors). But wait! "Kell" provided a link to prove it! Unfortunately, the article, at fever-swamp blog Weasel Zippers, had not a word about arms shipments, and not even a frightening insinuation about Benghazi. But it did accuse Obama of treason for authorizing a $115,000 payment to an Islamic NGO that had been associated with Al Qaeda, so that's exactly the same, yes? As for the money, even the original source, National Review, reports it was a single payment used to reimburse the NGO for relief work it had already done as a subcontractor for the American evangelical group WorldVision -- not a penny for guns. Or so the murderous muzzies would have you believe.

Hmm. So he left the Rangers in 1995 but "permanently removed from the planet" members of Al Qaeda, which was founded in 1988 -- although as far as we know, the first US attack against AQ was the 1998 cruise missile attack, which involved no Airborne troops. Ooh, maybe he did Super-Secret "wet work" before anyone was allowed to talk about it, except in blog comments.

He also wants us to thank him for killed members of ISIS on our behalf, before 1995. A bit trickier, since ISIS is an AQ offshoot founded after the 2003 Iraq invasion. Jesus, the man is an even greater hero than we thought. He wasn't just a Ranger, but also in the Time Corps. And yet, unlike most actual Special Forces dudes, who practically fetishize their skill at blending in with the natives, "Kell" somehow never picked up the English spelling of "Al Qaeda."

Our Islamic-radical-killin' tough guy special ops guy had other brilliant facts to share, like how both Barack and Michelle Obama -- or rather, haw, haw, "Chewbacca's cousin or some shit!" -- had their law licenses "revoked" by the state of Illinois. Nope -- also a lie! And did you know liberals are huge hypocrites, because every single photo of "kids in cages" at the border ever published was from 2015-16 during Obama's term? "Kell" told us, "Look it up...IF the truth matters!"

So we did, having used some fairly recent CPB photos in posts ourselves. Turns out he's lying again; CPB released current photos and video in June 2018, not terribly long after Trump's family separation policy went into effect. Funny thing about truth, though. By the time Donald Trump was detaining kids, things had changed: Obama kept children in "cages" while Trump kept them in "wire enclosures"

And of course, despite all of Donald Trump's executive orders, "Kell" informed us Trump is doing a far better job of governing than Obama, despite passing exactly one big bill, the tax cuts for Rich Fuckwads Act. But you see, that's MUCH better than

leading by executive order! Not like we have a congress or senate to pass our nations laws or anything, right? The very 1st EO King Putt made was HB13489 (I believe), which made it a federal felony to release ANY information about HIS past!

Heck, "HB" actually stands for "House Bill," and no, that number means nothing (he said he "believed," jeeze!), and also too, presidents can't just declare anything a felony via an executive order (which proves just how lawless Obama was, doing that). But it does prove how secretive and truth-hidey Obama was, apart from it being complete bullshit.

Honestly, I think a different idiot -- a guy who was "just asking" why it's illegal in Europe to "question" the Holocaust, because doesn't that mean there's really little proof of Nazi genocide, HUH? -- may have told fewer outright whoppers.

For instance, the Holocaust denier merely said every time he brings up his incisive questions, people always respond by calling him an idiot or a Nazi instead of laying out for him the entire factual basis of history, and we certainly believe that.

Mind you, he also refused to read any sources people referred him to, because 1) anything published online is probably fake and 2) all books just repeat the same myths he's rejected. Obviously, until Europe rescinds all its laws against spreading Nazi propaganda, it will be impossible to take historians seriously, since they enforce history through threats and intimidation..

In conclusion, boy oh boy, we could use some Flat Earther Furries about now.

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[Image by Wonkette Operative "Malsperanza"]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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