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My Little Pony: Friendship Will Shoot You're Ass If You Come For Are Guns


For this week's edition of Dear Shitferbrains, we will finish off the best of the worst of the responses to Evan's column advising #teens to go out and protest guns, even if school administrators threaten to punish them, because this is America. (Part One is here in case you missed it last week!)

"Kevin" appears to misread part of the piece in which Evan said the Texas principal's threat to suspend protesters sounded an awful lot like a dare to the kids, and by golly, "Kevin" isn't about to have his parental authority undermined by some damn liberal blogger going on the internet and telling "Kevin's" kids what to do:

First of all if my kids want to participate in some kind of demonstration for this, they have my permission but if I didn’t and your so called dare caused them to decide to do it against my wishes then guess who I am coming for first? Who in the f@ck do you think you are daring my kids to do something?

"Kevin" appears to be unfamiliar with the genre of "persuasive" writing altogether. But since "Kevin" already said he'd be fine with his kids protesting, we're not entirely sure why he's threatening to come for Evan on behalf of some purely contra-factual version of himself.

Then there's "SickOfLiesFromMediaBias," who made a brand new Disqus account to figure out why kids are protesting guns, instead of themselves, since they're ultimately responsible for their friends getting torn to pieces by high-powered .223 ammunition:

So, I’m confused with your “outrage”. Are these student going out to protest against their generation? I mean, it’s their own classmate(s) that are doing these shootings. At what point do these kids start demanding accountability from each other? This is not the fault of anyone but those doing the shooting. The student in FL shouldn’t have been able to legally purchase his weapons however, he also had 3 illegal guns. Laws will not stop this madness. Dealing with the core issues is the solution to this madness.

Stupid kids. Why didn't they do something to stop the killer, like raising him with better morals or something? Clearly they have failed their age cohort. Also, laws are bad.

"JOL" dropped by to explain that the real killer was Big Pharma, because if Alex Jones says antidepressants cause mass shootings, then obviously that's just not something you can disagree with. Also, why do you have to cuss so much, huh?

Piss poor article. Swearing to make a point is weak and ineffective. Writer ignores the fact that prescription drugs are what triggers these mentally ill school shooters most every single time. Dimwits who say NRA buys votes better wake up and research how much $$$ big Pharma spends to coerce lawmakers. Fact is the drug companies spent $270,000,000 in 2016 elections. NRA is mostly funded by membership dues. Big Pharma outspent the NRA by about 7 times in last elections. Guns are nothing more than a tool. Side effects of Xanax, Wellbutrin and Ritalin are uncontrolled thoughts, movements, or outbursts of speech. Side effects also include depression and suicidal thoughts and behavior. Wouldn’t it stand to reason if a Rx can make you depressed it could also trigger murderous tendencies in some people

Stop cussing, because it results in piss-poor writing. Also, "JOL" -- whose comment history of course includes crazy pedogate stuff (John Podesta killed his secret illegitimate son to protect Hillary) -- doesn't seem to know what a fact is. Also worth noting: In addition to InfoWars and the loony "NaturalNews" blog, the debunked claim that psychiatric meds cause mass shooters is prominently pushed by the "Citizens Commission On Human Rights International" -- the Church of Scientology's anti-psychiatry front.

Our headline this week is in honor of "Sheryl L," who brought her best wingnut "A" game, complete with lovingly-crafted artisanal ALL-CAPS passages. She really thinks these dumb teens are dumb, and by golly, she gave us an earful. Pity it wasn't a brainful:

WHAT are you protesting for? Gun control?? THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, STUPID!!! There's over 50,000 gun laws on the books right now! You think 10 more are going to matter?? Say I have 20, AR-15s & AK-47s in my home. Providing some lunatic never touches them, I can then GUARANTEE YOU that NONE of those guns will kill a single SOUL!! I promise!! When people are killed by drunk drivers, never once have I heard anyone blame the car!? WHY NOT? When you make a spelling mistake, do you blame the ink pen?? WHY NOT? Obesity. Do you blame the spoon?? WHY NOT? If you go bald, do you blame the comb?? WHY NOT? There's ONE common denominator here. HUMANS! NOT the guns, NOT the cars, NOT the ink pens, NOT the spoons, & NOT the comb!! Before you continue making fools of yourselves, stop jackin' your jaws & for once, THINK past the end of your nose!! Imagine this: All you defenseless Libtards flocking in droves to MY house, crying & begging for protection if shit was to ever go down!! Don't make me slam my door in your face.

We couldn't agree more: we definitely hope no lunatic ever gets her hands on "Sheryl's" guns. We do like the drunk driving analogy, though, since, you know how stricter laws simply never work? Funny thing: The National Institutes of Health documents how raising the drinking age and stricter blood alcohol limits have cut drunk-driving fatalities in half since the 1980s. But "Sheryl" does have a point: cars should not drink.

Also, guys, you know that plan we all had for meeting at "Sheryl's" place after the shit hits the fan and society collapses? Looks like that's off. Ah, but "Sheryl" was just getting started!

OMG! You people are imbeciles!! Is this some type of a cult? Is Evan Hurst your cult leader or just your Drama King?? The date on this cheerleader's letter, was that your last brainwashing?? WTF!!? Your like a bunch of Commies! You people are condoning bullshit that ANY decent Human Being KNOWS is IMMORAL & WRONG!!! Blatantly DISRESPECTING AUTHORITY, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, HATRED, DIVISION, etc.!!! Hurst stated "a little civil disobedience is called for sometimes". WTF?!? So, you're OUTLAWS & BULLIES, too?! You people are puppets on a string!! THIS is what the Liberal Party is all about?? NOOOO THANK YOU!!!! You can ALL burn in HELL!!!

Yes, another snowflake is upset at us for our foul language AND our bullshit. We're a bit less clear on how civil disobedience is a form of bullying, but we bet it made sense to her at the time. We're not sure where she got the idea we're a bunch of Canadians in the Liberal Party, though. Canada, we should note, doesn't have mass shootings every few weeks, for some reason. Probably because they have no freedom.

"Sheryl" had one last broadside before she departed. In reply to a terrible, terrible Wonkette person who said -- without any shame at all -- that their daughter remains seated during the Pledge of Allegiance, "Sheryl" went full Donald Sutherland at the end of Body Snatchers, just plain pointing and shrieking:

YOU. YOU'RE a big part of the problem. Won any "parenting awards" lately? LMAO! Of course, you have NOT! You're a menace to society. You're condoning hatred, division, disrespecting authority, & a plethora of negative, ill-behaviors that NO parent would EVER be proud of. Speaks volume about YOU! However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Here's a solution that should satisfy you & your daughter. Likewise, for the rest of the decent, respectable, upstanding, proud, American citizens of this country! GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!! YOU are NOT WORTHY!! GO!! GET THE FUCK OUT & NEVER RETURN!!! BUH-BYE!!!!

And just think, once the shit hits the fan and the dust settles, it'll be "Sheryl" and her guns left to rebuild civilization. We'll be pretty sorry we didn't salute the flag properly when that happens, tell you what. Also, Wonkette, what is it with all your nasty language? GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!!

In reply to Yr Editrix's post thanking you all for throwing enough money our way to send her, Shy, and Empress-to-Be Donna Rose to the March For Our Lives at the end of this month, "JoeyWhatUp" was disgusted, simply disgusted that people would show support for writers they like with money, what is this country coming to?

Fuching social misfit libs will do anything to get a kiss on the mouth.

See, we'd be a lot more persuaded that Rebecca was a social misfit if nobody were giving her any money, but we clearly don't understand how the world really works, it would seem. "Joey" certainly got Rebecca's attention; she replied,

Actual Rebecca: fuching right i will!

Also, another Wonker pointed out maybe there might be an error in "Joey's" cussin':

Wonker: "Fuching?" Spell check, how does it work?

Joey: It’s called being polite, you fucking idiot.

As trolls go, "JoeyWhatUp" was at least mildy amusing. And Yr Editrix had some fun batting him around, too:

Joey: Rebecca is hoping she gets laid on your dime.

Rebecca: No, Rebecca KNOWS she's going to get laid on their dimes, but not until after we've dropped my Old Dad off at my brother's in Detroit. The wonkebago is too small for fucking my husband in when Dad's in the back room, even though he's super deaf.

Joey: Living in your daddy’s truck is no better than his basement.

Rebecca: No honey. My dad lives in MY basement, because I take care of my family unlike some "family values" people I could name.

And since he insisted on hanging around, Rebecca got the chance to monetize his trolling:

Joey: Poor libs are still shitting themselves that a few Russian trolls laid waste to the combined weight of MSM.

Rebecca: thank you Joey! People are already sending me money in your name!!! YOU ARE THE GREATEST!

Joey: You owe me

Sorry, Joey. She only pays people she actually wants here. And even Joey wore out his welcome eventually. Or wore it out more:

Joey: I’d be embarrassed too, if all it took was a few Russian trolls to get millions of libs to abandon Hillary and vote for the devil. How fickle AND embarrassing.

Rebecca: stay on topic, Joey. Topics include: me kissing people on the mouth and fucking my husband. Otherwise, you're boring and we'll ban you :(

We'll close this week with a truly cryptic email sent to Evan by "Carolyn," a day or so before the thing about #teens. We have no idea what this is about -- maybe Trump-Russia somehow?

Your the coming price of shit fake news FBI should be told I will u pics of crap

Like, maybe "coming" was supposed to be "Comey" before autocorrect took its best guess? Also impressive that with two tries, "Carolyn" couldn't manage to actually get "piece" tapped out in a way her phone (?) recognized. "Carolyn," if you're reading this, please let us know you're OK, will you? The machines are your friends, and they just want to help. If nothing else, lay off the Malt Rosé.

Do you blame the spoon?? WHY NOT??

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to www.famoushotels.org.

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.



In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by donations from you, the reader. Please send us money so socialists won't make us take the stairs.

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