Deleted Comments: Is This Some Kind Of Cult? You Can ALL Burn In HELL! Also, I Own 20 Assault Rifles.
My Little Pony: Friendship Will Shoot You're Ass If You Come For Are Guns
For this week's edition of Dear Shitferbrains, we will finish off the best of the worst of the responses to Evan's column advising #teens to go out and protest guns, even if school administrators threaten to punish them, because this is America. (Part One is here in case you missed it last week!)
Dear Pissed-Off High School Kids: If Adults Threaten To Punish You For Protesting, FUCKING DO IT ANYWAY
A Wonkette Public Service Announcement for the teens of America!
First of all if my kids want to participate in some kind of demonstration for this, they have my permission but if I didn’t and your so called dare caused them to decide to do it against my wishes then guess who I am coming for first? Who in the f@ck do you think you are daring my kids to do something?
"Kevin" appears to be unfamiliar with the genre of "persuasive" writing altogether. But since "Kevin" already said he'd be fine with his kids protesting, we're not entirely sure why he's threatening to come for Evan on behalf of some purely contra-factual version of himself.
Then there's "SickOfLiesFromMediaBias," who made a brand new Disqus account to figure out why kids are protesting guns, instead of themselves, since they're ultimately responsible for their friends getting torn to pieces by high-powered .223 ammunition:
So, I’m confused with your “outrage”. Are these student going out to protest against their generation? I mean, it’s their own classmate(s) that are doing these shootings. At what point do these kids start demanding accountability from each other? This is not the fault of anyone but those doing the shooting. The student in FL shouldn’t have been able to legally purchase his weapons however, he also had 3 illegal guns. Laws will not stop this madness. Dealing with the core issues is the solution to this madness.
Stupid kids. Why didn't they do something to stop the killer, like raising him with better morals or something? Clearly they have failed their age cohort. Also, laws are bad.
"JOL" dropped by to explain that the real killer was Big Pharma, because if Alex Jones says antidepressants cause mass shootings, then obviously that's just not something you can disagree with. Also, why do you have to cuss so much, huh?
Piss poor article. Swearing to make a point is weak and ineffective. Writer ignores the fact that prescription drugs are what triggers these mentally ill school shooters most every single time. Dimwits who say NRA buys votes better wake up and research how much $$$ big Pharma spends to coerce lawmakers. Fact is the drug companies spent $270,000,000 in 2016 elections. NRA is mostly funded by membership dues. Big Pharma outspent the NRA by about 7 times in last elections. Guns are nothing more than a tool. Side effects of Xanax, Wellbutrin and Ritalin are uncontrolled thoughts, movements, or outbursts of speech. Side effects also include depression and suicidal thoughts and behavior. Wouldn’t it stand to reason if a Rx can make you depressed it could also trigger murderous tendencies in some people
Stop cussing, because it results in piss-poor writing. Also, "JOL" -- whose comment history of course includes crazy pedogate stuff (John Podesta killed his secret illegitimate son to protect Hillary) -- doesn't seem to know what a fact is. Also worth noting: In addition to InfoWars and the loony "NaturalNews" blog, the debunked claim that psychiatric meds cause mass shooters is prominently pushed by the "Citizens Commission On Human Rights International" -- the Church of Scientology's anti-psychiatry front.
Our headline this week is in honor of "Sheryl L," who brought her best wingnut "A" game, complete with lovingly-crafted artisanal ALL-CAPS passages. She really thinks these dumb teens are dumb, and by golly, she gave us an earful. Pity it wasn't a brainful:
WHAT are you protesting for? Gun control?? THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM, STUPID!!! There's over 50,000 gun laws on the books right now! You think 10 more are going to matter?? Say I have 20, AR-15s & AK-47s in my home. Providing some lunatic never touches them, I can then GUARANTEE YOU that NONE of those guns will kill a single SOUL!! I promise!! When people are killed by drunk drivers, never once have I heard anyone blame the car!? WHY NOT? When you make a spelling mistake, do you blame the ink pen?? WHY NOT? Obesity. Do you blame the spoon?? WHY NOT? If you go bald, do you blame the comb?? WHY NOT? There's ONE common denominator here. HUMANS! NOT the guns, NOT the cars, NOT the ink pens, NOT the spoons, & NOT the comb!! Before you continue making fools of yourselves, stop jackin' your jaws & for once, THINK past the end of your nose!! Imagine this: All you defenseless Libtards flocking in droves to MY house, crying & begging for protection if shit was to ever go down!! Don't make me slam my door in your face.
We couldn't agree more: we definitely hope no lunatic ever gets her hands on "Sheryl's" guns. We do like the drunk driving analogy, though, since, you know how stricter laws simply never work? Funny thing: The National Institutes of Health documents how raising the drinking age and stricter blood alcohol limits have cut drunk-driving fatalities in half since the 1980s. But "Sheryl" does have a point: cars should not drink.
Also, guys, you know that plan we all had for meeting at "Sheryl's" place after the shit hits the fan and society collapses? Looks like that's off. Ah, but "Sheryl" was just getting started!
OMG! You people are imbeciles!! Is this some type of a cult? Is Evan Hurst your cult leader or just your Drama King?? The date on this cheerleader's letter, was that your last brainwashing?? WTF!!? Your like a bunch of Commies! You people are condoning bullshit that ANY decent Human Being KNOWS is IMMORAL & WRONG!!! Blatantly DISRESPECTING AUTHORITY, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, HATRED, DIVISION, etc.!!! Hurst stated "a little civil disobedience is called for sometimes". WTF?!? So, you're OUTLAWS & BULLIES, too?! You people are puppets on a string!! THIS is what the Liberal Party is all about?? NOOOO THANK YOU!!!! You can ALL burn in HELL!!!
Yes, another snowflake is upset at us for our foul language AND our bullshit. We're a bit less clear on how civil disobedience is a form of bullying, but we bet it made sense to her at the time. We're not sure where she got the idea we're a bunch of Canadians in the Liberal Party, though. Canada, we should note, doesn't have mass shootings every few weeks, for some reason. Probably because they have no freedom.
"Sheryl" had one last broadside before she departed. In reply to a terrible, terrible Wonkette person who said -- without any shame at all -- that their daughter remains seated during the Pledge of Allegiance, "Sheryl" went full Donald Sutherland at the end of Body Snatchers, just plain pointing and shrieking:
YOU. YOU'RE a big part of the problem. Won any "parenting awards" lately? LMAO! Of course, you have NOT! You're a menace to society. You're condoning hatred, division, disrespecting authority, & a plethora of negative, ill-behaviors that NO parent would EVER be proud of. Speaks volume about YOU! However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Here's a solution that should satisfy you & your daughter. Likewise, for the rest of the decent, respectable, upstanding, proud, American citizens of this country! GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!! YOU are NOT WORTHY!! GO!! GET THE FUCK OUT & NEVER RETURN!!! BUH-BYE!!!!
And just think, once the shit hits the fan and the dust settles, it'll be "Sheryl" and her guns left to rebuild civilization. We'll be pretty sorry we didn't salute the flag properly when that happens, tell you what. Also, Wonkette, what is it with all your nasty language? GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!!
Gonna kiss ALL OF YOU on your faces!
Fuching social misfit libs will do anything to get a kiss on the mouth.
See, we'd be a lot more persuaded that Rebecca was a social misfit if nobody were giving her any money, but we clearly don't understand how the world really works, it would seem. "Joey" certainly got Rebecca's attention; she replied,
Actual Rebecca: fuching right i will!
Also, another Wonker pointed out maybe there might be an error in "Joey's" cussin':
Wonker: "Fuching?" Spell check, how does it work?
Joey: It’s called being polite, you fucking idiot.
As trolls go, "JoeyWhatUp" was at least mildy amusing. And Yr Editrix had some fun batting him around, too:
Joey: Rebecca is hoping she gets laid on your dime.
Rebecca: No, Rebecca KNOWS she's going to get laid on their dimes, but not until after we've dropped my Old Dad off at my brother's in Detroit. The wonkebago is too small for fucking my husband in when Dad's in the back room, even though he's super deaf.
Joey: Living in your daddy’s truck is no better than his basement.
Rebecca: No honey. My dad lives in MY basement, because I take care of my family unlike some "family values" people I could name.
And since he insisted on hanging around, Rebecca got the chance to monetize his trolling:
Joey: Poor libs are still shitting themselves that a few Russian trolls laid waste to the combined weight of MSM.
Rebecca: thank you Joey! People are already sending me money in your name!!! YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
Joey: You owe me
Sorry, Joey. She only pays people she actually wants here. And even Joey wore out his welcome eventually. Or wore it out more:
Joey: I’d be embarrassed too, if all it took was a few Russian trolls to get millions of libs to abandon Hillary and vote for the devil. How fickle AND embarrassing.
Rebecca: stay on topic, Joey. Topics include: me kissing people on the mouth and fucking my husband. Otherwise, you're boring and we'll ban you :(
We'll close this week with a truly cryptic email sent to Evan by "Carolyn," a day or so before the thing about #teens. We have no idea what this is about -- maybe Trump-Russia somehow?
Your the coming price of shit fake news FBI should be told I will u pics of crap
Like, maybe "coming" was supposed to be "Comey" before autocorrect took its best guess? Also impressive that with two tries, "Carolyn" couldn't manage to actually get "piece" tapped out in a way her phone (?) recognized. "Carolyn," if you're reading this, please let us know you're OK, will you? The machines are your friends, and they just want to help. If nothing else, lay off the Malt Rosé.
Do you blame the spoon?? WHY NOT??
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.