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Can anyone doubt that Wonkette's Own Gary Legum has earned himself an appointment to the Jim Newell Memorial Chair in Peggy Noonan Studies? Apparently, someone can, and that someone is irate Accipitriform-American reader "HMichaelHAWK," who had this to say about ourmost recent foray into Noonanlandia:


I guess this is your idea of "Creative Writing?" It's fairly boring in its extreme bias and Ad Hominem attacks. I guess when you have no substantive argument, you write something like this. Anyway, I doubt Peggy feels threatened by what you have written, since you record of intelligent composition is not even a "Mini-Me" of what she has accomplished. But it was fun to read the drivel you create.

Dear God. If there's anything more terrifying than the idea of a Noonan homunculus out there, guzzling gin and slurring its paeans to Ronald Reagan, we do not want to know. Guess we won't be sleeping tonight. Happy Halloween to you, too, HMichaelHAWK.

The same Noonan piece also brought this indignant note from "Jack Marshall," who calls us out on some "incontrovertible" facts:

Why don't you just be direct and say that there is no evidence, no matter how incontrovertible or obvious, that this administration is unaccountable and incompetent and that this President is dishonest, detached, and without minimal leadership skills, that his enablers and loyal followers won't ignore, deny, or attribute to racism? It would save time, and at least a shred of respect.

That question was quite a production -- and it was even grammatical! It is somewhat undercut by being a laughable load of strawman-felching twaddle, but at least Sister Bernadette would have a delightful time diagramming it before she eviscerated its logic. So, thanks!

Our basic primer on "Capitalism for Liberals," as interpreted by Rand Paul, who thinks private insurance companies are 'the government," drew two nearly identical notes, a few days apart, from "urbanplowmaster," who is not to be confused with either the Plow King or Mister Plow. The first, which came in the day the piece ran, was this simple admonition:

Capitalism: "The voluntary transaction between a willing buyer and a willing seller" Anything else is not Capitalism. Practice blatant Capitalism!!!!!

The second, three days later, suggests that urbanplowmaster had become considerably more vexed with all the idiocy of other commenters, who are all A Idiot:

Capitalism is; "A voluntary exchange between a willing buyer and a willing seller". Anything else is NOT Capitalism!!! What you all are raging at is a form of Mercantilism whereby elitists (elected or installed) decide what you should buy, from whom, and for what cost. It's the system we had under King George. Now we've devolved back to the same system. Practice blatant Capitalism!!!!

God, you people are stupid! You probably think our government is a democracy, when it's actually a republic!!!!

Unfortunately, we didn't print either of urbanplowmaster's vitally important explanations of the True Nature of Capitalism, so a half hour after that second note, they had some additional definitions to throw at the "Admin" of the website, or whoever's oppressin' poor urbanplowmaster by not approving such brilliant comments:

The only official definition of Fascism comes from Benito Mussolini, the founder of fascism, in which he outlines three principles of a fascist philosophy. You admin fit this definition "Everything in the state". The Admin is supreme. "Nothing against the state". Any type of questioning the Admin is not to be tolerated. If you do not see things My way, you are wrong. If you do not agree with the Admin, you cannot be allowed to live and taint the minds of the rest of the good citizens. I don't care if you hate me! What I want to know is if you know that you are a Fascist? Prove me wrong, post the definition of Capitalism, or are you afraid it will reach someone?

This raises some interesting questions. In a free society, what is an "official definition" anyway? This is not your France, which has an Academy to rule tyrannically over la langue, you know. More to the point, we'd like to know if urbanplowmaster understands that Wonkette is one of those, wossname, private enterprises that capitalists allegedly have such regard for. You freely offered a comment, and we freely choose to tell you to go fuck yourself with the rusty garden implement of your choice. Marketplace of ideas: WORKING JUST FINE, BIATCH. Come back when you have something we want to buy. Or is that too mercantile for you?

And finally, a 2009 piece asking if Barack Obama's Mother-in-law is a black witch brought this, from "Rev18":

KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI KILLUMINATI REV 18

We think maybe they're selling a record or something.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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