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They're not "weeks-old comments." They're neo retro, Darling.


As we've noted before, there's a strange ebb and flow to the arrival of useable derp in our comments sections, almost a tidal flow. The stupid comes in, the stupid goes out; you can't explain it. And so this week we'll be supplementing the relatively small number of brand new raving loonies with some "real gems" from recent weeks, because deleted comments start out rotten and stay that way. Consider for instance this important communication from "Malachi Elijahman" on our story about God's really vague prophecy to Jim Bakker ("a major event is about to take place"). Apparently thinking that if a story is about Jim Bakker, it may also be by Jim Bakker, "Malachi Elijaman" had an important communiqué for the godly grifter:

I HAVE BEEN CONTACTING YOU FOR YEARS, JIM BAKKER, AND YOU HAVE BEEN IGNORING ME FOR YEARS. http://www.firehotnews.com/ GOD IS NOW RESTRAINING EVIL TO PROLONG TIME NEEDED FOR A WORLDWIDE SPIRITUAL REVIVAL AND YOUR PRIORITIES ARE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH HIS DIVINE PLANS. #JIGROP

Nice to see Jim Bakker still has a following, even if it's an angry delusional following that wants to set him straight on God's plans. Ooh, and there's a website, too!

As we like to say on the interwebs, 1995 called and wants its website back, haha! Scroll down a bit and you find all sorts of terrific Jesus messages, as well as this pro-Trump mnemonic that's sure to catch on -- like FIRE!

Needless to say, the guy's Disqus comment history is a FIREHOT MESS too.

We also heard from "Robert John Monares" on our story about Facebook censoring all the conservatives, maybe because spam of the sort this guy/bot posts all over is regularly removed from the Facebooks. We've removed the phone numbers and stuff, because we wouldn't want you getting no viruses or bad stuff:

JOIN ILLUMINATI ORDER CALL, Contact:+234[number deleted] Call or Whatsapp FOR RICH, WEALTH, FAME, LOVE and LUCK Welcome to the great temple of Illuminati worldwide. Are you a Pastor,Politician, Business man or woman,Musician or an Artist, do you want to be famous or you want to become rich or powerful you can achieve your dreams by being a member of the Illuminati with this all your dreams and heart desire can be fully accomplish People say that the Illuminati are exceptionally wealthy. Is that true?It's true that all twelve members of the Ruling Council are wealthy, but money,for us, simply funds our mission,nothing else. We are not worshipers of Mammon, as our accusers would.

Contact:+234[number deleted] Call or Whatsapp Email:

joinilluminati66@[dubious email address redacted]

SERIOUS PEOPLE ONLY SERIOUS PEOPLE ONLY SERIOUS PEOPLE ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!

It's almost as if there's some kind of Derp Gravitation at work, since when we went back to the original article, we found another "join the Illuminati" message from a different spambot, maybe, and a different phone number, but with the same +234 prefix, which is the dialing code for Nigeria, imagine that. SERIOUS PEOPLE ONLY!!

Our story on the Cincinnati Zoo's killing of a gorilla after a 3-year-old boy somehow got into the enclosure drew a number of comments from "Cool Hand Luke," who at first sounded only like someone who considered an endangered animal a lot more important than some dumb human kid, because come on, human children are a dime a dozen, and zoo director Thane Maynard is a cold-blooded animal murderer:

  • The magnificent silverback was put down who represented a dying gene pool. His life represented a lot of hope for longevity for the species. In the long run, far far more important in the grand scheme of things.

  • Isn't that wonderful. Your friend Thane killed a beautiful silverback who represented a dying species. His life was huge for the species. There are two sides to the equation. Put me in the camp there was an alternative to save child and gorilla. He took the expedient and PC route. How convenient. Harambe is dead and tomorrow morning your buddy Thane will get up and conduct business as usual and casually tell us "Harambe is gone."

  • Trying to dismiss my thoughts because I'm not Jane Goodall won't cut it. You've dismissed nothing. Have a good evening.

  • Every time I see that guy Thane on the TV and hear him speak, I want to puke.

  • Bottom line: they are no heroes. They KILLED Harambe who I stated earlier represents a dying gene pool. He was hope for the species. No longer. As Thane said so casually on TV when being interviewed: "Harambe is gone." He sure is.

  • Look you need to get over yourself. There are experts out there who agree with me. They don't believe Harambe should have been killed. Your opinion is not an absolute fact. Many disagree with you. Good night.

Our troll detector was alerted when his only reply to "what experts think this could have been resolved without shooting the animal?" was the old "look it up, dummy" theme:

  • I'm not going to work for you. You're not worth a dime to me.
  • I have belonged to the Londolozi Blog for years. You want to talk about the Mopogo Lion Pride? Know a little bit about Africa. Adios.

Yes, he reads a wildlife refuge blog. He's freakin' Marlin Perkins.

And then the talk turned to the mom, who was definitely the Worst Mother Ever. And our visitor (comment history hidden, of course) tipped his hand when the topic of people harassing her online came up:

  • How do you know she's really that upset? She strikes me as a complete idiot.
  • That's the premise the MSM has used poor little mother. In her case the big fat dumb mommy.
  • One hundred percent the child should be taken away.
  • Here ya go. Aunt Jemima in all her glory. "This" is responsible for the death of Harambe. Poop Poop Poop. AND A LOT MORE POOP.

And yes, that last was accompanied with a photo of the kid's mom, who is black. It's astonishing (no it isn't!) how these idiots simply can't keep their own racism bottled up while they're pretending to be a plain old annoying-but-socially-tolerated animal rights troll.

Let's move on to something a little less depressing than the intersection of racism, the killing of an endangered animal, and mom-shaming, shall we? "D. Lyrium" didn't care ONE BIT for all the bashing of white men in our story about the Donald Trump advisor who said Trump's VP probably couldn't be a woman or a minority, since that would be "pandering." D. Lyrium was quite frankly shocked and disgusted by all the hatred of men (which wasn't anything of the sort, but yeah, "hatred"). A commenter set off D. Lyrium with this casual example of hate speech in the context of a digressive discussion of child support: "Men typically don't want their kids or the responsibility that comes along with them. They just don't want to pay." Yeah, maybe a bit of a generalization, but enough to trigger a Misandry Alert:

If I said "black people typically don't want their schooling, or the responsibility that comes with an education. They just don't want to learn."... that'd be pretty racist.

If I said "women typically don't want to work, or the responsibility that comes with a good job. They just don't want careers."... that'd be pretty sexist.

If you say "Men typically don't want their kids or the responsibility that comes along with them. They just don't want to pay."... that's seen as okay.

No problem with that though. Right? Or maybe there're some double standards that need to be acknowledged. It's certainly not laughable to say that white people or men or straight people do face a weird kind of reverse-discrimination these days.

Just a friendly reminder: oppressing the former oppressors is not how you get rid of oppression. Discriminating against the former discriminators is not how you get rid of discrimination.

The reason men don't typically ask for majority custody in most cases? According to D. Lyrium, it's "internalized misandry" due to

the oppressive matriarchal force from being raised primarily by women themselves, and from matriarchal narratives about child rearing in the media. Men are taught that men are clueless when it comes to children.

I wonder how many men think they're doing the best thing for their kids by leaving them with their mothers solely due to that internalized misandry?

Yup. That must be it. All those matriarchal forces have made men hate themselves. Then things, naturally enough, turned to a discussion of abortion rights as maybe a more salient example of men having political power over women, and D. Lyrium went nukular:

If by "rights to your own body", you mean "abortion"... the argument isn't that "men should decide", it's that "the baby has a right to life, even if you don't want it". The argument is that no matter what the woman wants, it shouldn't trump the unborn child's rights to ITS own body (a growing human body with a full set of human DNA, if you'll recall).

Also, please note: I didn't say anything about men being oppressed. I said men are discriminated against for being men, and are subject to various forms of bigotry. You may not be capable of oppressing someone, but you are capable of being a cunt to them for shitty, bigoted, sexist reasons. Look: you're doing it right now.

PS: I'm a tranny. One of the reasons I'm pro-life is being trans. And one of the reasons I'm trans is being pro-life: I'd do a better job of getting pregnant than you, if I could. Which is to say I wouldn't indiscriminately kill my kids because it was inconvenient to have them and I'm not such a self-entitled witch that I think it's my right to do so.

So yes, a rightwing abortion-banning trans woman MRA who hates feminists. And posts at Breitbart a lot. As we said when we banned D.Lyrium -- no doubt due to our own internalized misandry -- diversity is a beautiful thing, and D. Lyrium is living proof there are intolerable assholes in all demographics.

Not that this commenter could possibly be posing as a "tranny" for rhetorical effect: "I don't have a womb, but I'd be a far better mother than you baby-killing liberal bitches." That would clearly be UNPOSSIBLE. We're quite willing to believe, of course, that D. Lyrium is precisely who they claim to be: A complete shithead on the internet.

And finally, our story on the creationist homeschool mom who wrote a book about her war against a public library where everyone is constantly encouraged to view child porn on the interwebs (perhaps we exaggerate) drew this comment from "vonea," who noticed that the article was written by Robyn Pennacchia. We were impressed by the resulting wordplay, which we bet Robyn has never encountered, or at least not since about fourth grade:

AWWW, lying pinnochio and lying pinnochio's crew can't read a book that isn't released yet that could take away all their porn money opportunities to destroy everything around them as they claim their ideas and musings are as wonderful as the (evil) snake who is "saving" fish from drowning as they are in reality devouring them. Oh, and pish-tush on us who tell the real truth about who you really are.

We have to say, that's one hell of a run-on sentence. And to warn you, dear Wonkers, that Yr Dok Zoom has finally received his print-on-demand copy of creationist homeschool mom Megan Fox's book-shaped object, Shut Up! The Bizarre War that One Public Library Waged Against the First Amendment, so expect a review in the near future, once we have actually READ THE BOOK. Assuming of course, that our brain doesn't melt from being exposed to all that TRUTH.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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