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Sure thing, Special Agent Zoolander.


It was a crazy week, so of course plenty of the crazy spilled into the comments sections of our coverage of the San Bernardino shootings. Some people genuinely didn't get what we were trying to do, which was to report confirmed information only, and not play "let's speculate about which terrorist group these two killers are associated with before we even know their names."

We learned some valuable lessons from our deleted commenters! Like for instance, if you stick only to information law enforcement confirms, you must be trying to make excuses for the Radical Muslim Jihadist Muslim Radical ISIS al Qaeda perpetrators who want to destroy America. Take, for instance, this reply to Thursday afternoon's update on What We Knew For Sure at the time, from clear thinker "Lucifer666":

Glee at Americans being murdered! By Muslims !!!!!!!! Wow libtards never cease to amaze.iNow if their was a mass shooting at the DNC I may agree

[contextly_sidebar id="Y6302hamvnQSX335ViqsXGGP7LrilqFs"]We're not sure what part of our story he thought was "gleeful," apart from our usual mocking of Fox News morons, which we'll confess we enjoy greatly. Maybe it was the part where we said 14 people were killed and the number of wounded was raised to 21, or the part where the authorities reiterated that, at the time, they had not yet determined a motive, and it was still "premature to call this terrorism." This doesn't strike us as "gleeful," but if you're "Lucifer66" you may have different standards. Also, worth noting: One of the attackers had by that time been identified as an American-born American (who was, yes, a Muslim too).

We also had several comments from "B Robert," who was aghast we were so blind to the obvious Larger Truth as we stubbornly stuck to reporting the facts as known at the time:

You must feel like a fucking moron this morning for writing an article mocking accusations of a terror attack when the FBI has now said it is a terrorist attack and that the shooters reached out to terrorists on fbi watch list and had gopro cameras to upload terror video and were muslim extremists. Now theres cum in your eye faggot

That was pretty impressive psychic work by "B Robert," considering he commented almost a full day before the FBI actually said it was now investigating the case as terrorism. We especially like the "had gopro cameras to upload terror video," which law enforcement specifically denied in the very update B Robert was complaining about. B Robert had some other interesting "facts" for us as well!

fbi reported their semi automatics were illegally bought and thry made bombs...not stire bought shit...stop makin excuses and deflecting the fact its muslim extremists intent on killing regardless of gun laws

[contextly_sidebar id="1YTTIkHPUXhpQmiR1sIEgSbw0EY8tws5"]Err, no. As FBI Los Angeles Assistant Director David Bowdich said Friday, the weapons were all legally purchased, although some of them were not purchased firsthand by Syed Farook. And once again, we're astonished by the strange insistence that, by reporting only what was definitely confirmed at the time, we were "making excuses" or "deflecting" from indisputable facts which existed in the heads of Fox News anchors, but the FBI said it wasn't yet certain of. If it make B Robert feel any better, we never said it wasn't or couldn't have been terrorism, or driven by radical Islamic ideology. What we said was nobody knew yet, no matter how sure they'd made themselves. Damn, we sure are insistent on covering up the facts by quoting exactly what law enforcement said was confirmed!

More of the same from "ann Smith," an apparent fan of e.e. Cummings, who was outraged by our disgusting ignorance of obvious facts that were not confirmed by the police and FBI press conference we reported about Thursday:

The morons are YOU, the pres. and everyone who still thinks this, their apartment arsenal, their bombs, attire, were all for a workplace dispute. Guess the trip to Saudi Arabia does not fit your scenario nor does contacting radical Muslims, growing a beard, becoming more devout, etc. He should have been on a very short list of possible terrorists once he returned from SA. No one is happy these are terrorists. Keep sticking your fingers in your ears and singing la-la-la-la loudly. This is about the proliferation of guns AND terrorists among us. At the very least the FBI should be following/targeting those who are of this heritage AND who travel to regions known to foster terrorism. SA certainly fits that. Radical Muslim terrorists.

For what it's worth, we should point out the article said nothing about the shootings being due to a workplace dispute, nor did we claim that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik couldn't possibly be terrorists. We do have to say we're impressed with ann Smith's detective skills, with which she determined every Muslim who visits Saudi Arabia is probably a terrorist. What other possible reason would a Muslim ever have for going to Saudi Arabia? And that beard thing is brilliant. Has ann Smith shared this profiling tip with the fbI?

Our piece on Donald Trump's desire to kill the families of terrorists, including, presumably, Syed Farook's brother, a decorated U.S. Navy veteran, was treated to some first-class fact-checking by "jatroworld," who explained we had it all wrong:

he never said he wants to kill families.Anyway, most Presidents never do what they say so Why is everybody so afraid of Trump?

[contextly_sidebar id="cK9iWs2dNEgwmvPtR34vsl0XOUmJ3cQa"]We're impressed! Mind you, this comment came in reply to a piece which quoted Donald Trump saying "When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families!" Perhaps we missed an update where Trump clarified he meant "take them out for a hearty meal." But Trump never said that thing he said, and besides, even if he's elected, he won't do what he says he will, so why are you liberals afraid of him? We suppose we might ask why, if they're so sure Trump won't do anything he promises, jatroworld is supporting Trump? Maybe jatroworld is infected with all-consuming cynicism, and wonders why anyone cares about anything, since this mortal world is so filled with disappointments. That wasn't a comment. That was a cry for help.

Our piece on Carly Fiorina's indifference to the ability of people on the terrorist watch list to purchase firearms drew this patriotic Moron Labia reply from "PawneeBill47," who apparently thinks Yr Wonkette has the power to enact legislation:

Who the fuck are you or anyone else to tell me I have no right to defend myself. MSNBC is the whore of news, you use words against people, you change the meaning of comments to go with your agenda. What do you gain by bringing down America?

[contextly_sidebar id="btq4z9vdKjHQ83JufKJwaCEvkEfmczSw"]PawneeBill47 seems nice. We didn't actually say he had no right to defend himself, merely that it might be a good idea to try to keep terrorists from buying guns. Is PawneeBill47 a terrorist? (Ha! Ha! Look how we changed the meaning of his comment to go with our agenda!) PawneeBill47 was joined in the Butthurt Box by "JoeSixPacks," who is such an extraordinarily everyday guy that he gets multiple six-packs. He concurred with PawneeBill47 about the terrible shape America is in:

It seems to me that the left's very systematic taking control of our language by making crimes against political correctness, simply the act of using certain words, racially charged phrases a federal hate crime at worst, or maybe simply getting one fired from their job and ostracized by your community. Now isn't it convenient that what used to be the standard vigilance, "see something, say something!" Is now too politically incorrect to provide intelligence on future acts of violence. Someone who actually saw the pipe bomb factory was too afraid of being labeled a racist. How many lives could have been saved if not for the fear that the tyrannical left has placed upon average Americans?

Oh, such oppression! You might be accused of a hate crime, or people might look at you funny; same thing! You want to know what a crime against free expression looks like, you poor delicate flower? How about a Turkish doctor facing two years in prison for a Facebook photo comparing the Turkish president to Gollum?

PawneeBill47 also took exception to another commenter (which we don't allow) on the same piece who said something about "militia morons":

"Military morons", die motherfucker, the framers had a better set of balls than you. You delusional prick, that "military" has protected your right to be stupid for centuries. I have a high level of hatred for your level of stupid.

By golly, that insult to the brave fighting men and women of America's armed forces could not go unanswered, because damned if PawneeBill47 can spell.

And finally, another fact-free fact check from a Donald Trump fan, "tony newbill," who offered a bunch of videos to prove Donald Trump's alternative reality is TRUE. Because we love our readers, we'll include only the links, rather than embedding the videos on our nice clean Dear ShitFerBrains:

American Muslims celebrating 9/11

Why Palestinians Want This Video Removed

Donald Trump Is Right About Muslims Celebrating 911 Terrorist Attack

there is a

clip in this one that you probably saw Mr. Trump !!!!!!!

VIDEO PROOF

Muslims dancing & celebrating after hearing about 9/11 (CNN news) ACTUAL

NEWS FOOTAGE

And again because we love our readers, for the sake of accuracy, we looked at all five of the videos and saw not a single shot of "Thousands of Muslims" dancing in the streets of Jersey City, Paterson, or indeed anywhere. The very last video is the only footage of Muslims celebrating on 9/11/01, and even that footage -- from East Jerusalem -- shows only a small crowd, probably fewer than 100 people. On the other hand, several of the videos do have the title "American Muslims Celebrating 9/11," so isn't that proof enough Trump is right?

There's no video of "Thousands of Muslims" dancing in the streets of New Jersey on 9/11 because it never happened. We're so sure of it that if anyone can provide us with such a video, we'll happily buy 'em a copy of Trump: The Game from eBay. And no, clumsily edited videos intercutting news footage with crowd scenes from biblical epics, monster movies, Bollywood musicals, or My Little Pony don't count. But if they're funny, we might send a tote bag your way. If you have the video that'll blow the lid off the media's suppression of all those Muslims celebrating 9/11 in Jersey City, load that sucker to YouTube and send the URL to doktorzoom at-sign wonkette dot com. Fame awaits you.

Finally, a Wonkette Programming Note: President Obama will be giving a speech from the Oval Office on San Bernardino and the administration's counterterrorism strategy Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. Eastern. Yr Wonkette will be here to livestream the video and throw in a livebloggy comment or two. Then Monday, we'll have more updates on what we know for sure, and why Fox News is outraged that the President hasn't nuked anyone yet.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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