Let's see what sort of detritus has washed up in the ol' comments queue this week.... First off, we have the message reproduced in the pic, from someone who apparently objected to the excessivetwo pony images that we used last Thursday. Point taken, dude. You may bite Princess Celestia's immortal sun-emblazoned ass. On the other hand, regarding dude's whining about our constant spamming of HappyNiceTimePeople.com, our Esteemed Editrix (May She Live A Thousand Years) wasn't nice about it at all. It was mostly unprintable, but -- in a classic case of cutting off her nose to spite YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL WRETCHES -- contained many shrill screechings about BURNING THIS SHITHOLE TO THE GROUND. (She meant Wonkette.)


On a more pressing topic, we need to add an important update to our recent story about the Arizona Senate's plan to prepare the good people of the Copper State for an electromagnetic apocalypse. You see, we mocked state Sen. Dave Farnsworth for his very smart plan to require Arizona to make recommendations for civilians so they can survive after a high-altitude nuclear explosion wipes out all electrical power and unshielded electronics -- no phones, no lights, no motorcars. This did not sit well with would-be commenter "ladyracer19," who has studied up on EMP, and who just wanted us to know that we really do face a genuine danger from our government of today, which might really truly want to turn off the lights forever, for some reason she didn't get to:

Okay you all. Some of the information posted is correct, but most is bs. How do I know I did a term paper on EMP. I wanted to stand out. Believe me this admin could do this without a problem. Since I wrote that paper things have improved a lot and it would be a lot easier now. If there is something to stop EMP they aren't putting it out. Don't discount this, this could happen and of course it more than likely won't be our government but can we really trust this government of today?

Good question! Can we trust the government not to deliberately trigger a civilization-disrupting disaster, just for the hell of it? Ladyracer19, thank you for bringing this to our attention. We look forward to hearing more about the chemtrails and HAARP mind control as well, not to mention the race of men in the trees. We're for prompt legislation.

And speaking of folks who expect the end of civilization or at least a good civil war, we got a long-delayed message about a story that originally ran over a year ago, about David Lory VanDerBeek, who is proudly running for Nevada Governor on a platform of "Civil War Is Imminent and Obama's Trying To Kill Me." Commenter "pwnd" is impressed with Mr. VanDerBeek's Freedom Agenda, provided the new Civil War hasn't erupted by then:

He speaks with passion and integrity. I like that. If I lived in Nevada he would most definitely have my vote.

Well, there's another notional vote for VanDerBeek! We also heard from pwnd again on the topic of Tucker Carlson and Alex Jones doing some minority outreach. Alex Jones presented his own weirdass read of the GOP's "Southern Strategy," and came to the conclusion that Democrats went from being the party of the KKK to being the same thing all over again, only this time "they've done it with minorities." Pwnd didn't like what we were suggesting:

I don't know WHAT this shit is about, but Alex Jones is NOT a racist...

In other words, the racist stuff that Alex Jones said on teevee doesn't make him a racist. It makes US the racists, probably.

Our story about Sarah Palin's psychic prediction that Barack Obama would invite Russia to invade Ukraine drew this from "Delawarenews" who knows why liberals just don't make any sense:

What a shame that liberals are so uninformed and illogical. But that's what happens when you place your FEELINGS above facts.

What exactly we were too emotional about in that piece, we are not sure, because it was 100% factual, especially the part where we said Palin is an embarrassing idiot. Can't Delawarenews read, even? They left a second message to explain their fact-driven approach to politics. Just look at all the facts it is stuffed with!

Now what...... is you don't keep making the same mistakes over and over. Stop digging the hole deeper. What we are dealing with today is a result of liberal mistakes for decades, most notably Hillary Clinton's embarrassing Staples plastic red "RESET" button Today didn't just happen all by itself. We got here by a string of mistakes. We need to stop making those mistakes. First, stop digging. Learn from liberal mistakes. Stop making them. Then we can try to salvage the mess that liberals have made, and try to avoid the next liberal-inspired disaster.

See, if it weren't for a silly visual aid that we made fun of because it wasn't spelled right in Russian, everything would be beautiful in Russia now. And then we needed to stop digging, which means we definitely should not have sent Putin those misspelled mom jeans, maybe. Thank you for all that detailed Realpolitik, Delawarenews.

The Ukraine Situation also moved "johnwerneken" to write us, specifically because he doesn't think we've given Rand Paul enough credit for his smart idea to deal with the crisis by "drilling in every possible conceivable place," which would totally show the Russians, at least sometime in the next decade when all those newly explored wells start producing:

Rand is right, firstly because any other policy makes no sense for ANY reason, and second because should the EU stand up to Russia and Russia cut off their gas and oil, they will outbid all others for US gas and oil.

Sorry about that, johnwerneken -- if Sen. Paul had simply pointed out that no other policy makes sense for ANY reason, we wouldn't have bothered trying to find fault with him.

MattThomas2 (we think his real name is "Bob") had a bone to pick with us regarding Jon Stewart's unprincipled mockery of Judge Andrew Napolitano and his creative interpretations of what the Civil War was all about:

Last night Judge Napolitano stated the plain historical fact that the Morrill Tariff, which more than doubled the average tariff rate, was passed in the House of Representatives during the 1859-1860 session, and eventually signed into law by President Buchanan two days before Lincoln’s inauguration. It was the cornerstone of the Republican Party platform of 1860. This is an undeniable historical fact, but was dismissed by Stewart’s lying Lincolnites who simply said “It’s not true.” Oh, OK.

Oooh, those lying Lincolnites just burn us up, too! Oh, except that, as Jim Oakes actually did say in that Daily Show segment, several states mentioned slavery in their secession proclamations. None mentioned the tariff. And the others didn't say that it never happened, just that its importance as a cause of secession or war is overplayed by Confederate apologists... like MattThomas2.

You may be wondering right about now, "Say, Dok Zoom, did you get any comments from members of the gun-fondling community?" Why, yes! Yes we did. Our piece (HA-HA!) on NRA honcho Wayne LaPierre's inspiring "How many guns? MOAR GUNS!" speech at CPAC inspired "guntard" to ask for civility and understanding, because most Responsible Gun Owners never shoot anyone, and if they accidentally blow away their own kid in their basement, they obviously weren't responsible gun owners at all:

What are so many of you afraid of? People with no intent of harming others owning guns? People who own them only for sport or defense of self and family? I don't get it. History tells us we should be much more afraid when the guns of law abiding people are taken away. We have much more to be concerned about with the relentless depreciation of our freedom.

Yes. Must have guns. For freedom. Any suggestion that there are a lot of unqualified idiots who shouldn't own a gun is based in fear. Whereas the concern that tyranny is just around the corner and you need to be ready for a shooting war against your own government is just everyday prudence, not fear.

Finally, we heard again from "teebonicus," who sort-of-corrected us in a previous Dear Shitferbrains, and who impressed us with his contempt for the "Doomberg/Moms-Of-Dead-Kids" groups calling for some kind of sane policy on guns. Apparently we encouraged him (?), since he wrote a bit more than just "Blatant lie!" this time, in reply to our recent story on the exciting news that Idaho college students can pack concealed heat on campus. Teebonicus smells victory in the air:

Thank God for small favors. It really annoys you that Second Amendment awareness is advancing at an ever-accelerating pace, and there's NOTHING you can do about it, huh? Listen, girly-girl. This fight is over, only you don't know it yet. Why? Because you (and yours) refuse to open your eyes. Oh, I know the "pendulum theory" of politics, but the plain fact is that in our system based upon First Principles, political influences are not supposed to affect fundamental rights. Consider this latest law (as well as those immediately before it and those to come after) as a correction to the unconscionable infringements liberal-controlled governments have imposed on the people for the last 60 years or more. The really great thing is, though, that "The Hump" has been overcome - Heller and McDonald have killed the liberal dragon permanently. Now, it's only a matter of scope, and the way things are going, you'd better lay in a good supply of crying towels.

Crying towels? We thought we were supposed to lay in a supply of guns and ammunition. But thank you for your concern, Teebonicus -- we sure are glad to know that soon, we can look forward to even more guns, even more everywhere, and we will all be so safe and so free. We're a bit unclear on that "liberal dragon" metaphor, however, as dragons, what with their gold hoarding, always struck us more as libertarian types. You really need to brush up on your mythology.

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He likes to think he knows a thing or two about the politics of mythical beasts.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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