Poison Joke is a preexisting condition


Another Sunday, another collection of lunatic ravings from the deeply disturbed. And also the deleted comments that made us that way! We won't waste more than a moment on one "Parque_Hundido," whose username evokes a park in Mexico City for some reason, and who dropped by our story on Hillary Clinton's big interview with Christiane Amanpour last week. "Parque's" dislike for all "Shillaries" gives us an excellent reminder of the reason for our Rules for Commenting Radicals. A very small sampling:

  • You are a Shillary. You all need to go die before you re-elect Trump.
  • Shoot yourself in the head. Your IQ will triple.
  • I care deeply about women. I don't consider you part of that. You're a shriveled up nothing. A Shillary. Please go and die, sparing us from the tedium of your continued existence.
  • Maybe it's the bad pantsuit choking blood to your brain. You are toast, a laughingstock and a traitor. Do us a favor and kill yourself.
  • I also give a shit about ensuring that all Shillaries are duly punished. You must all die slow, spectacular deaths. Your Russia shit show is such a nice warm up act.

And that, friends, is why we don't want you perseverating on why it would be hilarious to see some rightwing politician beaten to death with one of the guns they're so in love with. We aren't that kind of mommyblog/recipe hub/bad Photoshop emporium. Also, we might not have included "Parque" at all were it not for the beautiful contrast between their comment and their email address: "praisehimpraisehim" plus a number. So you know, they're either big on Jesus or they may be taking Bernie entirely too seriously.

Our Morning Agenda from Wednesday was visited by "Axlerosucks," who we suspect really dislikes Axl Rose or David Axelrod but didn't type his username very carefully. He's from Texas, and doesn't like millennials, and said he heard about this place from "one of his millennial employees" who showed him a "pic that's connected to this website." No idea which pic that would be, sadly. But he sure was bothered by this awful place once he got here!

  • What kind of hell did I find myself in this morning, who are y'all people, this is scaring me. I hope y'all don't live in Texas.
  • Scared of what, a millennial libtard that can find a paycheck if he wanted to
  • Austin is part of California now
  • I also have hard work and devotion to God and Family, you only have your transgendered self to keep yourself company at night.
  • I'm sorry, I cun't hear you, can you please retype
  • I'm so sorry that you're illiterate, I'm from Texas where we fuck Mexican women, you must be thinking about your home state, Arkansas

He seems awfully nice! He also copy-pasted, without attribution, a large chunk of a Chicago Tribune op-ed from March 2016 explaining that liberals don't understand why conservatives fear America is being ruined by liberals who fail to recognize the genius of the American Experiment, since the nation embodies Judeo-Christian principles and used to reward hard work, but doesn't anymore, and now good people have to pay for irresponsible people's health insurance, so we're no longer a light unto the nations, and stuff. Also, he can't be a racist because as a Texan he likes to fuck "Mexican women with large boobs."

One "scafmars" found their way to our story on Donald Trump's stupid "religious freedom" executive order, just so they could reply to an off-topic comment about the passage of the AHCA that afternoon:

And yet I bet you didn't say jack about all the doom and gloom you statists are claiming this bill will do THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN HAPPENING UNDER OBAMACARE. Who can afford the deductibles Obamacare generated? The provisions (that the statist mainstream news never talks about) are job killers. Why do women have to pay for prostate coverage and why do men have to pay for maternity? Because Obamacare is a scam. Just another socialist scam. Instead of people's costs going down $2,500 a year as was promised their costs are skyrocketing.

And we don't live in a democracy.

Not only is there the bizarre contention that Obamacare has totally ruined healthcare by insuring some people for conditions others may never face (does this person rant to their car insurance company that it's unfair for their premiums to subsidize drivers of econoboxes when they drive a pickup truck?), we especially love that "we don't live in a democracy" coda, a beautiful almost-nonsequitur. The comment "scafmars" replied to had closed with "Yay democracy," so it was apparently time to trot out the old wingnut meme about how we're not a democracy, we're a republic goddamnit, and what is wrong with kids these days not learning anything about America, huh? Or maybe "scafmars" meant the whole system is rigged, since in their comment history they explain all about how they "know for a fact that Philadelphia Democrats bus in at least 10,000 people each election and have them vote in many counties of Pennsylvania," just ten thousand of the same people voting over and over and no one has noticed. So you'd better not argue facts with "scafmars," is what we're saying.

Our story detailing why Jimmy Kimmel's baby is a lot like Hitler brought some fun talk of LOGICAL FALLACIES from "Bilwick," who wants us all to know how utterly illogical that bastard Jimmy Kimmel is, using his newborn son's medical emergency to suggest that healthcare is a "right," which it obviously is not:

What Kimmel is doing is using the Argument from Pity fallacy--a favorite of "liberals." (And by "liberals" I mean of course "tax-happy, coercion-addicted, power-tripping State fellators.") I think if "liberals" are concerned that poor people can't afford health care, "liberals" should pay for it. They clearly have the bucks: the Hollywood Left, the Park Avenue Pinkos, the Kennedys, the Clintons, the Obamas, the reporters and the managers of the MSM--not exactly the Wretched of the Earth, right? I mean, we know they're compassionate because they're always telling us they are. Now they can prove it!

"I remember when 'liberal' meant being generous with your own money."--Will Rogers.

Leaving aside the dubious Will Rogers "quote" -- we looked a little, but couldn't find any definite source, and it doesn't appear in WikiQuote -- we have to say we're impressed our crusading logician manages to name a logical fallacy, use it incorrectly (pity is only a fallacy when invoked to overlook something completely unrelated to the thing that's pitiful, like suggesting an embezzler should be set free since he's in a wheelchair), and then go off on such an extended rant full of false premises. Ten yard penalty on the rhetorical playing field, suspension of his license to use enthymemes, and would somebody please take away the list of logical fallacies this guy keeps glancing at in his comment history?

We'll close with a lovely email received by Yr Editrix, clearly in response to either our piece on Nazi Flat Earthers or the follow-up Dear Shitferbrains where we heard from a bunch of angry Flat-Earthers. You know you're in for a real treat when the subject line on an email is "Your shitty website" -- and "Visionquestion" didn't disappoint!

Sadly you and your fellow wonkettes are just ignorant, indoctrinated goyim pawns of the NWO agenda. What I'm saying is you people think your doing something good when your actually on the side of evil. Your on the wrong team! Please wake up soon, research flat earth. We are not on a spinning ball! This is not a joke. I'm desperately trying to wake up the brainwashed minions. Flat earth is real, NASA images are not! Please don't disregard this message as nonsense. Unlike them, I have no reason to lie to you. In was like you once

That last line -- obviously they meant "I was like you once" -- is a nice dangling mystery. Was "Visionquestion" going to explain what opened their eyes to the New World Order and its nefarious agenda of promoting the model of Earth as an oblate spheroid? What exactly IS the NWO getting out of hiding the truth of the Flat Earth? And why doesn't "Visionquestion" already know Yr Editrix is a member of the International Jewish conspiracy herself? So many mysteries!

Ah, but then we discovered "Visionquestion's" Twitter feed, which is a veritable buffet of crank magnetism. If you've got a conspiracy theory, then "Visionquestion" is IN! Their own Tweets are mostly Flat-Earth stuff, like yelling at astronauts about the shitty fake "round earth" backdrops in their shitty fake photos from the shitty fake "space station":

And of course yelling at Neil deGrasse Tyson, that fraud:

Also, Visionquestion has, appropriately, a LOT of questions aimed at baffling the fools who think the Earth is spherical, YOU FOOLS!

See? So many questions! But first, the Tranya! Or at least a cheat sheet to debunking that last devastating disproof of celestial mechanics.

In addition to the Flat Earth stuff, "Visionquestion" is very concerned with #Pizzagate, finding disturbing pro-pedophile symbols in Los Angeles County Sheriff's Coroner's badges, and retweeting with great concern the absolute proof that the Pope murders children in secret Illuminati rituals beneath the Vatican (it's a first-person testimony, and why would anyone lie about that?).

And oh, the retweets! If it's a hidden truth about what THEY are doing to secretly run the world, "Visionquestion" wants to spread the news. Not just Chemtrails and HAARP weather control, but also black chemtrails, which we'd never heard of. Evolution is a lie, of course, as is global warming, and Winston Churchill regularly threw Illuminati gang signs, too. Also -- another new one for us -- the sinking of the Titanic was an inside job, because the Illuminati needed to kill off the three wealthiest opponents of the Federal Reserve and start the first World War, because suddenly the International Banking Conspiracy is full of Jesuits, not Jews:

And to think, we only looked back to January or so! However, lest you think "Visionquestion" some kind of kook, we'd just like to present one Tweet which proves he's perfectly, unquestionably sane, this reply to a Michelob ad:

Surely someone so obviously clear-headed about that has to be right about everything else?

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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