The deleted comments game is a weird business -- sometimes you can predict what topics will draw a lot of crazy comments -- guns, Islam, and the Duggars, especially -- and then sometimes, there's a huge news story that doesn't quite bring out nearly as much derp as we expected. For instance, we were sure that we'd be devoting most of this week's Dear ShitFerBrains to this week's Supreme Court decisions: Thursday's Obamacare ruling and Friday's complete destruction of America via Ghey Marrying. But apparently those were so traumatic that the Usual Crowd was too busy buying canned foods for the bunker and commiserating on rightwing sites. No doubt after the shock wears off, they'll begin venturing to Wonkette to tell us precisely which torments we'll all face in Hell. Ah, but we did hear a fair bit about the Confederate flag, so at least there's that.

First off, though, we'll give careful consideration to "Santiago Matamoros," who did not like our piece on Ted Cruz's comparison of Indiana's "Please Discriminate Against Gays" law and the Battle of the Alamo, not one bit:

Only the illiterate, the perverse, and the deranged can come up with nonsense like that above.

The author's contempt for historical fact, basic intellectual integrity, and spelling is an insult to everything decent and especially to his readers, who -- judging by the comments here -- are either too intellectually lazy to know the difference or too cravenly dishonest to care.

We wish we knew what it was he thought was so historically inaccurate about the piece -- maybe the photoshopped coonskin hat on Ted Cruz? -- but details are for little people. Also, we checked, and there weren't any misspellings. We didn't even say that Calgary was a city in Latvia this time.

In any case, our correspondent was not pleased to see that we deleted his withering critique, and created a new account (with the same email address) to register his displeasure, this time as "AmillennialistContraMundum," which is fancy Latin for "I reject the belief that Jesus will have a literal, thousand-year-long, physical reign on the earth, and I am against Dumb Mun." He was quite incensed at our cowardice!

So, it's policy to host an author's illiterate contempt for historical fact, intellectual integrity, and basic human rights and to permit profanity-laden comments from those too intellectually lazy to know the difference and those too cravenly dishonest to care, but if you point out any of that, then your comments are deleted and your account banned.

Talk about moral courage.

Enjoy wallowing in your nescience and hatred. At least you've got company.

Oooh, somebody visited to find a synonym for "ignorance"! We bow to your superior intellect, although we would also note that your complaints would be considerably more effective if you would -- for the sake of the cretinous hoi polloi -- provide what we in the writing biz sometimes call "an example" of what exactly it was that was historically inaccurate about the piece. We'll go out on a limb and guess that he objected to our characterization of the Alamo's defenders as "pro-slavery" -- naww, they were pro-Liberty. If that's the case, perhaps another angry letter is in order to the Dum Mun at the Alamo's official website, which also acknowledges the place of slavery in the Texan revolt. Then again, maybe he was just angry that we called Cruz a "proud Albertan," when he is in fact Latvian.

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We got a whole bunch of dumb comments about the Confederate flag as well, as a hordelet of trolls who all seemed to know each other invaded the comments (which we don't allow) on where the GOP candidates stood on whether the thing should keep flying at the South Carolina Capitol. Most of their comments seemed to be continuing a running argument from another website about who exactly was a skinhead asshole and who wasn't, but they also treated us to some thoughts on the War of Northern Aggression. "Bowtie and Fedora" enlightened us on several matters, such as the indisputable fact that "The obscenely high black crime rate is the source of much of Dylan Roof's hate." And in reply to someone who noted that the Civil War killed 600,000 and said that "flying that flag today is like waving a picture of corpses," B&F had this witty riposte:

You're talking about the United States flag, right? Because it was the US that invaded the Confederacy and started the war.

When people took issue with this, Bowtie and Fedora also explained other basic historical facts that most people are ignorant of:

  • The South didn't declare any war. They didn't want a war. The North forced that. What the fuck is wrong with you that I have to explain this?
  • How did South Carolina start the war? The Union forces occupying Fort Sumter were illegally.

Illegally what? Parked?

"Game of Life" also wanted to correct us on the ridiculous notion that the Civil War had anything to do with slavery, because Lincoln was a bad man:

It wasn't about slavery it was about economics. Lincoln wanted to send the slaves back to African, but knew that was impossible. He didn't care about the slaves' well-being in the least.

Yes, yes, we know about that letter Lincoln wrote to Horace Greeley, which sort of misses the point about why the southern states seceded, which was of course, tariffs, right?

In the middle of all that, somehow, one of our pod of visitors, "UnCL3," had some thoughts on how to improve our Republic by getting rid of the majority of voters:

If I had my way, women wouldn't be allowed to vote. Neither would anyone else who after deductions etc., didn't pay incometaxes the year prior to elections. There. I said it.

We don't really miss any of those guys, and hope they're having fun wherever they came from or went back to.

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Now, we don't usually address Facebook comments in Dear ShitFerBrains, but this exchange in the replies to our Facebook post pimping the story of Walmart's removal of Confederate flag merchandise seemed worthy of note, since a sharp-eyed reader noticed something very important in the photo that we used to illustrate the piece:

"Tim S" observed:

Not to nitpick, but that sign clearly says "IGA Cereals." It's not a Wal-Mart.

Excellent point! And if it had been in a Walmart, it's still not an illustration of merch that would be discontinued, unless the lady bought the swimsuit in the store and then put it on, which would be weird. We may be over-thinking this, but not nearly as much as "Janice B," who congratulated "Tim S" on his find and for exposing Wonkette's lies:

Tim S, that's not nitpicking. That's holding Wonkette to a standard of honesty. Thank you.

Yep, we admit that our standards for use of illustrations are unconscionably loose -- we mostly go for "funny" more than "accurate." In addition, we now confess that many of our stories have absolutely noting to do with pastel cartoon horses, the Simpsons, or anime devil girls. We also frequently Photoshop politicians' heads -- hastily and poorly -- into other images, which is quite dishonest as well. Comes right down to it, we are a bunch of liars. Thank you for this opportunity to come clean.

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Our utter lack of journalistic integrity also riled "rogerinflorida," who we assume is a guy named roger who lives in that state, and not someone who fantasizes about rogerin' the whole peninsula. He did not at all appreciate Kaili's piece on Ann Coulter's latest book-shaped object about how all the brown illegals are ruining 'Murca. Rogerin' Florida wants to know, How! Dare! We! write about a book that we freely admit we haven't even read???

  • This comment thread is hilarious! what a hateful, childish bunch of shits you are. Of course none of you will address the very real and serious issues that Ms. Coulter raises in her latest book; a best seller!
  • So by your own admission you know nothing about the book, but you feel entitled to comment on it. The stupidity of that is lost on you isn't it, but then you seem to be a typical wankette admirer.
  • If you had any brain at all in that balding grey pustule that sits where, on a normal person, their head would be, you would realize that Coulter has been blacklisted by all the major media outlets. The truth she speaks is not admissible, it is politically incorrect, very unpopular with the commie faggots in the mainstream media. But very popular with american patriots.
  • Do yourself a favor and read the book. As a bonus why don't you give us one fact from her book that is false, you can't because she backs up everything she writes and in fact could have written a book 10 times the length on the same subject.

    As a general rule though, although Coulter doesn't say this: White peoples countries = nice places, brown peoples countries = shitholes (although Singapore and Hong Kong are both great places, organised on Anglo lines of course). Which is why, if there was a slave ship docked today in Freetown Sierra Leone, complete with neck halters and leg shackles, there would be 100 million Africans fighting to get on it.

Also, why on earth would we ever sink so low as to suggest that Coulter appeals to racists?

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We also had a few newly-deleted comments to older stories, which is gratifying, since it means that at least someone wants to chew on our Long Tail. Someone who went and deleted their account altogether had this piquant observation on a March story about a church that decided to move its national convention out of gay-hatin' Indiana:

Times are soooo much better now. More sexually transmitted diseases, higher rate of divorces, more latch key kids, murders are up, domestic violence is up, greater number of incidents of drunk drivers in every state, the poverty divide between the rich and the poor...yep, glad those Christian values are going out of style so the gays and the atheists can save the day.

YEP, now all those Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian hospitals can shut down and the LGBT and Atheist hospitals can now have room to operate. Yep, they have made so much progress with their open minds. Things are only gonna get better from here now that they are runnin' thangs! Yay.

Guess they told us -- you can't possibly have no morals unless you hate the gays, and that is why... uh... hey, you know that crime, teen pregnancies, and drunk driving have actually declined precipitously over the last 20 years? Way to go, The Gays!

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And finally, we heard from "Dr. Shari Corbitt," who made quite a point of emphasizing that she has two PhDs. Dr. Corbitt took issue with our February story reminding Fox News that, yes, there have indeed been incidents of rightwing terrorism -- and that, of course, was well before the most recent one in South Carolina. Obviously, said Dr. Corbitt, we were completely blinding ourselves to the real threat! In reply to someone who said that Fox News viewers "are simply viewing what they want to see and believing it's the truth," Dr. Shari Corbitt, who has two PhDs, brought out the Fact Hammer:

How ironic, considering that I could easily say the same thing about members of the far left who are actually gullible enough to take MSNBC government-controlled news at face value and ignore the obvious and growing radical Islamic threat. What I would like to see is a story simply comparing the facts without taking sides -- just a neutral list comparing the terrorist attacks and credible threats of right wing extremists and number of people killed vs. Islamic terrorist attacks and threats over the past 10 years and the number of people that they have killed. Plus, when right wing extremists commit these insane acts, typically they are targeting a select few individuals, whereas Islamic extremists want to wipe us all off the map. Personally I'm opposed to violence of any kind and on any end. However, it is naive and dangerous to ignore the facts on the other side. People in this country have become too afraid to call things what they are, and it's time to get real - radical Islam is an impending and viable threat. They want to wipe out anyone and everyone who does not share their faith. How is that acceptable, and how on earth does that continue to get swept under the rug?

Hmmm... a comparison of rightwing terror and jihadist terror? Funny you should mention that! Turns out that since 9/11, rightwing terrorists have killed almost twice as many Americans in America as radical Islamists have. Obviously, though, that doesn't count, since rightwingers only want to murder blacks and Jews and homos and government workers, while the jihadis want to "wipe us all off the map." At the rate they're going -- 28 fatalities since 2001 -- they've got a ways to go, we guess.

Still, we need to credit Dr. Shari Corbitt, who has two PhDs, for at least giving us a reason to look at that old thread again, since we found this monumental derp-pile explaining that the Oklahoma City bombing was actually a false flag attack by U.S. intelligence agencies for reasons that will become clear if we watch some video on YouTube. It's pretty impressive, completely nuts, and we'll leave it up since there's no sign that loon ever returned to Wonkette.

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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