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No, the pastel sheep following the talking pony aren't made of cotton candy. That wouldn't be realistic.


We've got a whole bunch of Stupid for you in this week's Dear ShitFerBrains, because there's nothing that brings out the loonies like a mention of Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, or Barack Obama. Funny how those people seem to be in the news a lot.

Our story on the breaking news that Loretta Lynch wasn't going to send Hillary Clinton to email jail, let alone the Google Gulag, caused "Dalton" to wax wroth, even though wroth was already quite shiny as it was. Despite having a very awesome avatar that appears to merge Egyptian motifs with the cover of an Alan Parsons Project album (or maybe Neil Gaiman's hot goth chick Death), Dalton is a very unhappy person. His first post was simply the salutation "Evan:" accompanied by a photo of Boston bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev flipping off the surveillance camera in his jail cell:

You have to admit it was an attention-getting opening gambit! Dalton had a whole lot of thoughts about Hillary Clinton's relentless criminality, which makes her the crimiest crimer to ever seek high office, and about anyone so morally bankrupt as to think that her use of a private email server didn't put our once-great nation at immediate peril. Did he have further thoughts? He did! Some of the following are missing context, because they're replies to other comments that we didn't bother searching out. Just go with the flow of anger. We especially like the thought that Donald Trump's complete lack of experience in governing must mean he's incorruptible:

  • Just wanted to say FUCK YOU for considering something as serious as Clinton's lack of concern for the nation's secrets, as some kind of game, and if you consider it the same, then same to you.
  • Another typical self-deluded Genius... tell me genius, which reference to the term are you referring? The person? The place? The region? Don't bother to answer, Genius...
  • Trump hasn't served as the Secretary of State, nor has he served in a position of public trust, nor has he had access to the highest level of state secrets and neither he nor anyone else in known history has been so incompetent or disrespectful of the position served. Had he done so, and had he done the things HRC is guilty of, then my disgust would be the same had he or anyone, regardless of party, escaped punishment for what they had done the way HRC has. But see, that's the difference between people who have integrity and scruples, and those (All of you) who don't.
  • Of course, as the demoralization of America continues, all of you who laugh about things that are serious, will watch this country crumble and blame it all on everyone except your own empty souls.

    Which has nothing to do with what you pathetic pukes seem to think is funny when someone who is entrusted with the public trust, because of her incredible arrogance or stupidity, risks our nations (that's yours and mine even if we disagree on politics) secrets and becomes a potential risk for manipulative blackmail by god knows who if she becomes President.. but who you people would support no matter what. I'm not sure if I'm more disgusted at what a banana republic we are becoming or at the complete lack of integrity liberals display.

  • And if you believed in God, he could come down and tell you what Comey did, and you would still believe she is trustworthy and worthy to be your Fuhrer, which I honestly believe Liberals want.. you don't want representative government, you want a dictatorship where your annointed one does as he/she/ze pleases, without rules and without limits, as long as it coincides with your twisted views of reality.
  • what is RIGHT is right.. everything about his points to an out of control federal government that is corrupt to the core, and if Republicans were in control I would be equally outraged because it ultimately means we the people have lost control of our government and are nothing but serfs to a ruling elite that aren't subject to the laws of the land. And you stupid "Amerikans" laugh about it.. go fuck yourself Pinky.
  • You represent what is sad about America

And then "Dalton" got really mad at someone who suggested Donald Trump is a "fascist," because they were clearly blind to Hillary's true fascism:

You should probably learn the meaning of "fascist" before using it in a sentence .. and the sad part about your statement is that even when its proven someone does something wrong, people like you are such blind sheeple and corrupt that you ignore it and dismiss it.

You should actually listen to the FBI Director's speech, then you should actually read the relevant laws.. but see I know that won't happen because you're incapable of reason.

We really felt bad about removing Dalton's deep thoughts on the law, and hope he will someday alert FBI Director Comey to his own statement so he'll realize Hillary must be jailed. But Comey is clearly incapable of reason.

In response to another Hillary story, a user with the creative username "User" (actually, we do think that's fairly clever!) couldn't believe a serious political journalist would ever stoop to using gutter language, which totally invalidated everything on this news site:

Sex genitals? Are you a fifth grader in disguise? Follow your dog's advice and put down your keyboard, the dog is a lot smarter than you. As for Hillary, she is a criminal of the highest order and honest Americans will expose every illegal act in her playbook. Starting with the DNC lawsuit filed by disenfranchised Democrats in Florida. DWS and the DNC has already been served, they have 21 days to respond in court. Hillary and Her corrupt network are going to be dismantled by true grassroots American patriots!

We may be mistaken, but we're pretty sure "true patriot sex genitals" is actually in the Canadian national anthem, not the 'Merkin one. Some mean ol' liberal made fun of that phrase, and User was displeased. And once again, he cited James Comey's statement -- you know, the one in which he said no prosecutor would ever bring a case based on the evidence -- to prove Hillary is guilty, guilty, guilty:

  • Yeah a True American, that believes in justice and integrity for all the social classes not just the obscenely rich, regardless of the sycophants that make excuse after excuse for their criminally corrupt cult leader, and damn proud of it!
  • They know a lot about her corruption. Comey even says it himself.

     

    http://nypost.com/2016/07/05/f...

     

    Comey makes a lair out of Hillary in his press conference. Every excuse she gives about her Illegal server and corruption gets refuted by FBI director Comey.

And no, User was not impressed by the mere fact that FBI Director James Comey was somehow fooled by Hillary's Jedi Mind Tricks into laying out a lot of evidence that she dun goofed with her use of a private server, but that ultimately none of it rose to the level of a criminal offense. Clearly, she lured him into that lair that he made her.

Moving on to other matters, we received some tips on humor and satire from "Will Focht," who advised us that our story about Milo Yiannopoulos's hilarious Swiftian "No Girls on the Internet" piece was very, very, bad:

This is one of the worst articles I have ever read. The author sucked all the humor out of Milo's piece, which was actually quite funny, and gave us instead her sad attempt at parody, which was quite painful to struggle through. Do us all a favor when attempting to satirize an author you don't care for -- DO NOT merely set forth entire sections of the writer's work and then mock them without giving YOUR readers the benefit of context. This style of "writing" would not be acceptable in a first-year college course, unless your major is in feminist studies....

We're not quite sure what additional context was needed to clarify how hilarious Yiannopoulos really is -- perhaps some memes of stupid bitches being slapped and told to shut up would have helped?

Finally, it wouldn't be a week filled with horrific shootings if we didn't hear from a genius who had some sober thoughts on the Race War that is surely on the way. Our piece about some rightwing blogs' surprisingly sane and thoughtful responses to the Dallas tragedy got one "Mike Travis" quite exercised, particularly when a Wonker commented (despite the fact that Wonkette does not allow comments) that maybe rightwing gun nuts may want to cool it with all their rhetoric about the coming "race war," seeing as how the Dallas sniper seems to have taken them up on it by killing some white cops. Well that's just unfair to rightwingers who keep talking about the need to prepare for the race war, said "Mike Travis":

  • Who incited a race war?
  • Yet it was blacks that were picking off white cops in Dallas and other attempts in various cities today on white law enforcement officers.
  • I haven't seen any of these armed militia types shooting up blacks
  • Now who are the ones that have started a potential race war?
  • Who shot the white cops? A white man? A black man? A Latino? An Asian? Who?
  • Now, what race was the one of the people who were involved in taking out white cops?

So, to clarify: Years of rightwing gunhumpers fantasizing about the coming race war, arming themselves for the coming race war, writing terrible novels about the coming race war (we think every liberal should read a pirated copy of The Turner Diaries, not merely for "know your wingnut" purposes, but because it's such sheer campy dreck), posting intricate plans for how they'd shoot up a bunch of blacks in the coming race war, and actually murdering black people in hopes of sparking a race war -- all that is irrelevant, and would be very wrong to generalize from. But the horrific murder of five police officers in Dallas by a black man? Now THAT is clearly the start of a race war, duh.

You'll be relieved to know that "Mike Travis" is not actually in favor of a race war. He actually said that! Well, actually, not quite that. A true scholar of history, he noted it was the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand that sparked World War I, but that "the heavy fighting didn't occur till later," so based on his reading of The Dumbs Of August, he figures it's probably only a matter of time until the Dallas shooting is no longer a lone hate-filled man with a semiautomatic rifle, but the spark of something much grander more regrettable. And he's certainly not advocating it. He's just arming up for it:

  • My point is this. Dallas could be the straw that broke the camels back, and it ain't right wingers taking people out, yet.
  • Blame the right for the rhetoric but it is the left that's creating havoc .
  • I'm merely saying that Dallas could be the event that sets off a real race war. It won't go full blown overnight, but it could be the event that historians will talk about as the tipping point.
  • I pray that's it's not, but the summer of violence is upon us .
  • I don't want a race war and it ain't the right itchin for one, but the right will be ready if it happens .
  • I said I pray it doesn't come to a race war, but to be ready if one does occur.

We feel so much better now, and so reassured that "Mike Travis" -- who deleted his Disqus account altogether once we banned him -- is merely keeping his powder dry until it's necessary for him to start taking part in the race war (that the blacks started in Dallas, all of 'em). We won't even bother citing all of his ample evidence that The Blacks are more criminal than whites, and that there's not a problem with police violence against black people at all, since in total, cops shoot more whites than blacks, and please ignore the two demographics' relative percentages of the population. Besides, even mentioning that sort of thing means we're cheering the deaths of the police in Dallas.

Yr Wonkette wishes we had something hilarious to close with, but we'll have to settle for this: Some spammer out there has taken to inserting links for an alleged discount car insurance company into posts on political sites. We've pulled down two so far, and they've both looked like anti-Trump rants, with the usual talking points about how Donald Trump will ruin the economy, reverse Barack Obama's progress, hand everything to the 1 percent and then, in the mandatory line about the Affordable Care act, they slip in the pitch:

health insurance cheaper than ever ($85/month), car insurance cheaper than ever ($25/month from Insurance Panda), the 1% starting to be taxed more… all while white republicans bleated about Benghazi and took pointless votes to repeal the ACA.

also this, from a different comment:

Get rid of Obamacare and watch the poor die. My previously unaffordable insurance is down to $85/month. My car insurance, from Insurance Panda, is now just $25/month. Under Trump, healthcare will be $500/month or more.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our adbots learning?

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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