Deleted Comments: We Gave God The Banhammer
Yr Wonkette has been getting quite a few visits from trolls lately, although most of the infestations have been incredibly tiresome and not at all worth discussing here. We're talking, like, not even as good as ol' Turgid Love Muscle Guy. Come to think of it, we haven't seen him in a while; hope he's OK. At least health-wise.
Let's start with a nice email sent to our Evan Hurst last week, in response to our Wonkette Newsletter, for which our unnamed correspondent would have had to sign up somehow. We think perhaps our all-caps visitor isn't part of our target audience:
REMEMBER HOW WORLD ENDINGLY SHITTY YOU FELT AFTER HRC GOT HER ASS PANTY SPANKED LIKE A STUPID NASTY LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL? REMEMBER? REMEMBER HOW YOU FELT AS IF YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE ANOTHER HAPPY DAY OR RESTFUL SLEEP FOR THE REST OF YOUR AGONIZING LIKE? REMEMBER? WELL, YOU ABOUT TO FEEL MUCH WORSE THAN THAT ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. AND THEN, THINGS WILL GET REALLY BAD FOR YOU. YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH PHUQED FOREVER. BUT, IF IT IS ANY SOLACE TO YOU, I WILL EXPERIENCE WARM SUNNY COMFORT AND JOY EACH TIME I THINK OF HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE GOING TO BE UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE. TAKE CARE NOW, YOU HERE.
Joke's on this dude. A simple "unsubscribe" would have done the job. But we have to say we're impressed by the euphemized spelling "phuqed" -- shitty is apparently perfectly cromulent, but fucked was simply a bridge too far (we kid -- Cornelius Ryan never wrote that paragraph). That, or the writer forgot they were using email and not leaving a comment at Breitbart, which auto-censors bad words, but not worse ideas. But yeah, many many liberal tears, you here? So devastated.
Of the many many trolls who visited, we were at least mildly amused by "god" -- in lowercase -- who returned to a Disqus account that had gone a year without any posts, just to share some thoughts on Evan's epic 10-hour livebloog of Peter Strzok's grilling by two House committees at once. The day after the liveblog, which you Dear Readers all thought you saw unspooling in real time, "god" dropped by to drop a devastating truth-bomb on Evan's work, which was totally fake, you see.
In reply to someone who complimented Evan on his feat of endurance, the omnipotent creator of the universe explained,
he googled the transcript he didnt even watch it... thats why its 100% false and it makes him and every democrat look like an idiot
To another reader who complimented Evan on sticking around for the whole wretched spectacle, the hairy thunderer replied,
He didnt he read highlights of transcripts you retard, its why he doesn't actually know what happened or the context of any conversation, he makes it up
Yr Doktor Zoom ran that past Evan in the Wonkette Sekrit ChatCave, and he fessed up that although it sure looked like he'd been with us all day Thursday, it was all a scam:
That is true, I wasn't even here yesterday, everything I said in the chatcave was a bot. [...] MAYBE I AM A BOT RIGHT NOW
Guess that explains a whole lot. All in all, the cosmic muffin appears to have dropped in from an alternate universe where they let idiots be deities:
wow this is the most retarded trash article ever written, he didn't answer a single important question and said the fbi wouldn't allow him to so right there is obstruction... leading an investigation about collusion as you fuck a girl at work who isnt your wife and tell her you are gonna "make sure trump wont get elected", "taking an insurance policy against trump just in case..." is a clear bias just like you the 12 year old who wrote this is guilty of. KYS trash.
Yup, the irony of condemning marital infidelity in defense of Donald Trump was lost on the poor taco supreme being, who has transcended mere conventions of spelling, punctuation, and capitalization.
Dude had other important ideas, too, like explaining that Louie Gohmert is "a borderline genius and is super rich," so it only makes sense Wonkette would be "jelly of him too." How the lord god almighty managed to not spell that "to" is honestly a mystery that surpasseth understanding.
Eventually, the poor celestial moran just stopped making sense altogether and began spewing nonsense:
- hahaha that would be some extra cuk nazi bullshit right there, i like the tiny dick use of "banhammer" too HAHAHAH like jesus do you not understand you are the beta male running and crying yet hold your limp wrist high with pride?
- you eat my shit beta cucks, there isnt a single person on this website that can roll with GOD
- omg you have gone full beta cuck! hahahaahah lil baby crying flickin that limp wrist hahahahaha too ez
- 2 ez lil baby hahahahahaha
- hahah full on beta cuck that shit is hilarious
- thanks for playing beta cuck hahahah
Having thus conclusively owned the libs, our lord and saviour forsake us, 'n' not a moment 2 soon, hahahahaha.
The Strzok thread also brought us this derp-pile from Gateway Pundit fan "Hector Moralass," which is a very witty spelling of a Messican surname, is it not? And just look at the cutting smart rhetoric!
The creepy Smirking Strzok looks to be a card carrying NAMBLA member. no wonder you phaggots love him.
The loony left has devolved into such a freakshow that Trump– a moderate, democratically-elected, 1990s-era Democrat from New York – is compared daily to the greatest criminals of the 21st century; the election caused the shitlibs' already very fragile masks of sanity to slip. The lamestreammedia discredited itself in its hysterical urgency to "get DRUMPPFF". LSM thinks with Trump gone, America will go right back to honoring them as the gatekeepers of truth.
Your "resistance" hopes are the wishful thinking of a dead man walking; America isn't going back to those halcyon days of 99% shitlib control of the vertical and horizontal. The horse is out of the barn, the wolf is among the sheep, the cats have escaped their spinster hovels and gone feral. At least half of America loathes the media with a passion, and the other half clings self-humiliatingly to the media like a safe port in a storm, not having the capability to distinguish that inference and judgement and the nonstop punditry is vaporware…
We suspected that -- just perhaps -- this might not have been original text, and darned if a little bit of googling -- which Wonkette writers habitually do to find out-of-context highlights with which we fake our livebloogs -- didn't turn up a white supremacist blog post proclaiming the death of the "Chaimstream Media." Looks like only the first line was written by the troll, while the other two paragraphs are taken from two wholly different writers, one blockquoting the other -- but curiously, that final clause about "vaporware" appears to be original, if nonsensical.
Damn, no wonder the Jewsmedia is dying. We're up against such brilliant, original thinkers. Funny, though, "Hector" left out all the best stuff about woke white nationalists from the originals. Can't for the life of us imagine why.
Finally, to close on a note of actual, not-saying-this-ironically good cheer, we have another email sent to Evan, who got all the love this week. This time it was a very sweet note in reply to Evan's takedown of that Bible-thumping Trump-supporting lady who said Jesus was never a filthy refugee or illegal immigrant, because Jesus never broke a law in his perfect life, and lawbreaking is SIN.
Our correspondent wanted to let Evan know that Wonkette made it into an email made it into her Lutheran pastor's group email, hooray (we've redacted the church name for privacy, is all):
Please thank Evan for helping me break the seal: after 5 years working at [Redacted] Church, I finally came out of the closet as a Wonketeer yesterday when I forwarded a link to his piece about Jesus the Refugee. Holy s*** - the Lutheran ladies are strongly in favor of f-bombs when emphasizing the way the Holy family fled Bethlehem, AND one of my pastors even quoted Evan thusly in a group text:
[Thumbs-up emoji] "WE QUESTION YOUR BIBLE TRIVIA KNOWLEDGE, A**HOLE!" [Thumbs-up emoji]
(Don't know if you can see it with the cut'n'paste function from my phone, but the Reverend gave Evan two thumbs up in this censored but still honorable quote!)
GOD BLESS YOU AND ALL THE TRUTH-TELLERS. I LOVE WONKETTE.
Looks like we have the skinny on who God's real servants on Earth prefer. Maybe the ones who take that "Your neighbor is everybody, dipshit" Bible verse seriously (text from the New Pissed Off Version).
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.