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She ran a diagnostic!


We love to learn new things, and this weekend, in response to Friday's breaking news about Jared Kushner's wish for a beautiful Russian spy-phone on which to talk to Uncle Vladimir, we learned something that shook us to our positronic core: We are actually all replicants here at Wonkette, just like Sean Young in Blade Runner (sorry, spoiler) only some of us look more like a fat, middle-aged Leon than Rachael and we have no idea why tortoises make us so uncomfortable. Which is to say, genius Trump supporter "MicroSuperFan" warned other Twitter readers that Yr Wonkette's Twitter feed is naught but a front for the notorious Hillary-and-George-Soros controlled Media Matters for America:

Which was a heck of a surprise to all of us, really. Particularly since the article "MicroSuperFan" was commenting on was based on a story from the Washington Post, not Media Matters, but maybe David Brock owns the Post, too! Still, the news did clear some stuff up.

Yr Editrix wondered where the money from MMFA owner David Brock was, and "MicroSuperFan" proclaimed victory, because she'd clearly triggered Rebecca, blah blah safe space, blah blah snowflake. At least Rebecca remembered to ask for money, because that's just how destroyed she was by all the triggering:

But it turned out to be NO LAUGHING MATTER, because Srs Internet Bsns is Srs, not to mention the irrefutable Science Facts:

A diagnostic! Well then, guess we're done for. Stupid diagnostics. Dammit, my tablet may be an Android, but that doesn't mean I'm one!

Some Wonkers had their own suspicions about that "diagnostic":

Alinsky! It's always Alinsky with these people, isn't it? You pretty much knew where THAT was headed...

There's just no answering the Pepe Cartoon Of Doom, is there? But I wanted to know more about that "diagnostic", for all the good it did me:

You know, I'm starting to think she didn't run a diagnostic at all. Shortly after that, she blocked me, because I apparently was OK with Hillary Clinton's documented funding of al Qaeda. I didn't actually say that, but she just knew, somehow. Maybe I failed the Voight-Kampff test.

Ah, but "MicroSuperAlinsky" had the ultimate proof that @wonkette is a bot site that only feeds out Media Matters posts -- from publications that aren't even Media Matters -- so sneaky! The people who were responding to her (until she blocked them) were merely Wonkette writers, the owner, and an editor, not the @wonkette account itself, so definitely a bot.

Why no response from @wonkette, huh? HUH?

The results, however, were rather predictable:

Sigh. Before long, virtually anyone who'd interacted with MicrocephalicSuperFluff was blocked, which made retrieving some parts of the conversation difficult. But believe us, we've seen Tweets you people wouldn't believe. Flaming flying monkey brigades off the shoulder of Orion. We've watched C-level trolls sputter in the dark near the Trumphäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like farts in the wind. Time to delete your account.

Our story about Trey Gowdy making a damn fool of himself while asking really dumb questions to former CIA director John Brennan drew the outraged opprobrium of "VerbalKint," a Very Concerned reader who we bet looks nothing like Kevin Spacey. Or like anyone at all, really. "VerbalKint" wanted Evan to rethink all that terrible homophobia of his, mostly, we'll assume, due to the hed, "Trey Gowdy Eats Own Dick In Front Of Former CIA Director, How Embarrassing" and a line about Gowdy sounding like maybe he "gives Foghorn Leghorn three hundred blowjobs a day.” Terrible! Thrill to the progression of GerbilBint's escalating poutrage:

  • Hey, here's a fun thought experiment: change Trey Gowdy to a random female elected official and see if any of your language sounds sexist or misogynistic. (Hint: It will.) Gowdy is already enough of a scumbag without you having to resort to petty, even borderline homophobic insults to get your point across.
  • [someone points out Evan's gay, and we know he's not exactly a homophobe] You are aware that homosexuals can still use language that sounds homophobic, even if that is not their intent, no? You're also going to have to really explain your pretzel logic in regards to "applying the language equally to both men and women" because in the story I'm reading, it's only applied to Trey Gowdy.
  • [someone points out "homosexual" as a noun is an "archaic" usage] Wow, that really cancels out my points. Great job, super-debater.
  • [reply to "I think your rope is long enough by now."] Wow, noose language too. Nice.

Yes, just as Tucker Carlson has never heard the idiom "crash and burn," our Progressive Language Cop has never heard of "giving people enough rope to hang themselves with," so obviously Wonkette is full of potential lynchers!!! Which suggests a fun inquiry, though we're not sure how you'd actually design the research: When people express outrage over such common phrases, to what degree are they really unfamiliar with the idiom, and to what degree are they bullshitting? We'll assume all of it, Katie, but we have a feeling some folks are so intent on being offended they may actually blind themselves to the more innocent phrase.

Finally, Alert Wonkette Operative "RoniOh" advised "VerbalKint" we really don't need any help with our Leftish Sensibiities -- or maybe that we're just irredeemable barbarians in here:

The problem with the far left is that sometimes their Marxist-style language policing and thought policing and intellect policing (as in, I'm so much smarter than all of you) sends them so far around that they end up over on the right. (Hint - that'd be you honey.)

But you go on away now with your smugness shirt intact and live to fight another day of ConcernPolicing™ the Internet Warrior version.

Well! Not a smug! Not a smug! YOU'RE the smug!

You missed the irony. I'm not surprised. Enjoy Trump's presidency while you blame the "far left" instead of your own hypocrisy

We clearly need to have a word with Evan about how his rampant homophobia got Trump elected. If only we'd made fewer blowjob jokes, the world would be so much better. Also, "You're why Trump is president" is the "you're letting the terrorists win" of 2017.

Finally, more leftier-than-thou scolding, this time in reply to our piece on Hillary Clinton's Wellesley Commencement address. Super-leftist "aprescoup" simply wanted to let us know we are all FOOLS for finding anything to praise in Clinton's honeyed words of neo-corporatist neo-liberal neo-Duckspeak DEATH:

They all give speeches... and then they push ever more to the right so they can retain a faint glow of a leftist aura and sell the lesser evil political con-job to the put upon by their dismal policies working class.

You can tell "aprescoup" is a REAL leftist from all the embedded phrasing, like "the put upon by their dismal policies working class." No corporate shill writes that densely; only someone who's just taken their third semester of Critical Race Theory (and gotten a "B").

A sampling of moral/political chastening, to the tune of "Baby, It's Scold Outside":

  • You sound just like a corporate Republican giving cover to Monsanto and company...
  • The Republican party does that already, so what's your selling point to the Romney/Clinton 47% of working class deplorables?
  • You should, perhaps, consider blocking your own corporatist and war-mongering, neolib-neocon toxicity?!
  • Why do you bother to parade your provincial and incurious stoopid so openly and proudly?
  • [Reply to "You voted for Jill Stein, right?"] You lose. I'm in California and farther left than that.
  • [reply to "Next you'll be saying 'Bernie would have won,' won't you?"] Yes he would have....and I did not even vote for his neocon-ligh but, nonetheless, liberal neocon arse, you neolib-neocon corporatist shyster.
  • [Reply to "You do realize, don't you, that 'neolib-neocon corporatist' just seems to be a perfect circle of meaningless ideological flotsam?"] To you it may be all that and then some. To the politically astute it's shorthand for right-wing policies advancing the interests of the .01%.

Damn that neoconservative corporatist Bernie Sanders and his weak shilling for the .01 percent!! (To be fair, while that seems like a redundancy, the top hundredth of a percent in the economy are about as super-rich as they come). Also, bravo to Alert Wonkette Operative "Vivian," who asked "Farther left than California? Are you a shark?" Yes, and one who's jumped itself at that.

Eventually, Yr Editrix was drawn into the nonsense after "aprescoup," in reply to people razzing them about all the "neo" stuff, got really mad and described the REAL enemy within the Democratic establishment:

Apescoop: Would you prefer right-wing corporatist, anti social safety net and anti New Deal legislative agenda, instead of neoliberal?

How about neocon?

You have a problem with "neo" but not the underlying brutal, and amoral to say nothing of rogue and imperial foreign policies?

Rebecca: that describes not a single person here. You have been duped. congratulations on your free thinking.

Apescoop: It describes the policies supported by the New Dem segment and leadership of the once proud party of FDR.

Rebecca: I have no idea if "New Dem" is a real thing. If you're talking about regular Democrats, no. It doesn't. No Democrats want to shrink the social safety net. It's kind of their whole THING.

Damn, we hate to feed "aprescoup" any lines, but they missed the chance there to complain about Bill Clinton's "welfare reform," which would have actually gotten some agreement from Rebecca, who thinks it was bullshit, too.

Also, we are impressed with "aprescoup's" content-free nostalgia for (let's say "valorization of," for the sake of proving our own chops with academese) "FDR's New Deal," which was less a coherent leftist program than a collection of cobbled-together attempts to do anything to get the economy going during the Depression, and which most lefties like to say saved capitalism from itself. For historians, the New Deal is a perfect example of the art of the possible; for "aprescoup" it's shorthand for a golden age of Dem leftism -- and “aprescoup” conveniently overlooks all the race-based restrictions on who the New Deal actually helped.

Oh, hey, speaking of historical ignorance: this exchange appears to be where Yr Editrix lost it:

Apescoop: So what happened in feb 2016 that caused you to embrace moderate Republican policies of the 80s?

Rebecca: Do you remember the '80s? I do. Clinton's policies were nothing like Republicans in the '80s. Or ever.

Apescoop: You're a privileged corporatist then.

You do know that before Clinton became Prez he was the chair of the right-wing corporatist DLC. Yes?

Rebecca: I thought we were talking about Hillary Clinton, who is not, in fact, Bill.

And that's around when Rebecca dropped the banhammer, because Oh, Come On. She later noted she was a little disappointed she banned him, since it meant she'd never learn why actually remembering the 80s makes one a privileged corporatist. Well, duh, Rebecca -- if you actually lived through the time, your memories are tainted by your own complicity in the Clinton's crimes! Only a college sophomore who is farther to the left than California can see the neo-truth of things, you oligarch.

We'll close with an example of "aprescoup's" hyper-pure leftism gleaned from their comment history, a rich vein of derp. In a Mediaite thread, we learn that

"'Ta-Nehisi Coates" is an apologist for neoliberal capitalism. MLK and Malcolm would have none of this house-"N-boy's" sell out and self aggrandizing right wing tripe.

Yes, and Ta-Nehisi Coates then gets lumped in, a paragraph later, with other right-wing African-American figures, like Ben Carson and Sheriff David Clarke. Frankly, we're surprised "aprescoup" didn't also condemn King, who was ripped in his own day as insufficiently radical. But then, "aprescoup" doesn't do history. When we pasted that line in the Wonkette Sekrit ChatCave, Rebecca said, "He's probably all of 23 and ain't know shit. He had some hilarious thoughts about how HRC was just like an '80s Republican. People who were alive in the '80s disagreed."

And now "aprescoup" is free to go off and be pure somewhere else, and to wonder why no one likes them. Obviously, because everyone else is so politically benighted. Oh no. "Benighted" is racist, since it implies darkness is ignorance. Damn us.

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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