P.S.: I am not a crank

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We got a bumper crop of Derp this week, so let's dive right in, put the pedal to the metal, and mix some metaphors while we're at it. Our Lead Doofus this week is a good old-fashioned email to Evan from a very unhappy reader named "Zach," who, while he never quite got around to specifying what article set him off, made his displeasure clear with his all-caps subject line: "YOURE A GARBAGE HUMAN BEING":

I stumbled across your shitty little ''news'' site and I was appalled to see such bias. Youre a massive idiot and the rest of your senior staff aren't much better. Do you have any self awareness? I already know the answer to that; your arrogance speaks volumes. You liberal douchebags think that your job is to push a narrative instead of provide objectivity.

Im sure your lame site's viewership is already in the toilet, but please realize that they could be attracting a slightly bigger audience of liberal lemmings if you were just reporting facts, without the spin. Save the op-eds for the editorials.

You people are so dim... this kind of malpractice is why the msm is failing; its not a good business strategy for an obscure tras site to use. That why your site will never even approach CNN's levels of rocky bottom.

Not only that but you seem like one of those older guys whos clinging on to their sense of ego and vanity, even though you're literally a hallow shell of your younger self.

Youre an all-around lousy person. Id love to whoop that ass.

I usually wouldn't waste my time emailing some crap editor from some no-name trash ''news'' site, but you just piss me off personally. I know your type. Id love to meet your wrinkly ass in person and hash this out.

Whatever. Im already giving you somewhat of a pyrrhic victory just by emailing you at all.

Go lay in the road, dipshit.

Sincerely,

An American

This may be one of our favorite complaints ever, not the least because Old Man Evan isn't exactly geriatric, though we suppose Zach The American may consider someone in his mid 30s pretty much ancient. Damn it, Yr Dok Zoom is the bitter old fart whos literally a hallow shell of his younger self around here. Ah, but Zach wasn't finished yet. He almost immediately fired off a triumphant GOTCHA! follow-up:

Subject: P.S. - proof youre as terribel as i say you are

I didn't even need to skim your shitty site very long to find literal errors... not just factual ones. Its spelled ''moron'', you fucking moron.

You're the senior (elderly) editor, right? The editor is supposed to edit!

Great job, dipshit.

He's got us senescent old liberals there. Truly, our wrinkly brains are ashamed.

Our piece on Donald Trump's exciting new "Deport Everyone" plan received this witty reply on the Twitter Machine from "BATMAN," who clearly can't wait to start cleaning up his country and getting rid of not just undocumented immigrants, but other enemies of the American people:

But shouldn't he be asking his friend Superman for his papers?

Until we received that "proof youre as terribel as i say you are" from Zach (An American), we thought for sure this next one, from "hermio" in response to last week's Dear ShitFerBrains, would surely be our Top Derp, if only for its second sentence:

Believe me, I can find just as many idiotic statements from the far left as you can find from the far right. I am a conservative with libertarian leanings, and I am a member of Mensa, so I don't think I would be classified as an idiot. Why am I a conservative? For two reasons: 1) That philosophy is in line with our Constitution, which has served us well for over 200 years, and 2) Conservative economic principles have worked every time they have been tried. Liberal/Progressive economic policies (aka robbing Peter to pay Paul) have failed every time they have been tried. This has been proven globally. For those open minded enough to do some economic research, I suggest careful study of both the Rahn curve and the Laffer curve.

We all had a good laff over the Laffer curve, which has brought prosperity to rightwing enthusiasts worldwide, though not perhaps to anyone else, but the real joy here was "hermio's" insistence that his Mensa membership erased any chance he might be A Idiot. "Hermio" later went on to assert "The Laffer curve is mathematically impossible to be incorrect," and angrily denied he was a climate change denier, or even that such a thing exists:

No one I know denies climate change. It is always changing, and has been doing so since our planet came into being. But if you want to learn something about it instead of spouting meaningless personal attacks, study every page and every link of the Geocraft site: http://www.geocraft.com/WVFossils/last_400k_yrs.html

Real scientists adjust their theories to fit the data. But people on your side have been falsifying and adjusting data to fit their theories. That is why their models have failed.

Needless to say, the link goes to a very popular climate change denial website that has lots of charts and graphs, so of course it's far more smarter than mere peer-reviewed climate science, you fools.

The bulk of our deletia this week was generated by just two posts; for reasons we won't pretend to understand but are quite happy about, they ended up at or near the top of Bing's news results, and in came the wingnuts to let us know that Donald Trump had actually won the election, so we had to shut up forever. (Bing is of course the wingnut's preferred search engine, since Google is run by communists.) Most weeks, our collected deleted comments run about five or six pages in a Word document with really narrow margins. This week, we've got 23 pages, most of them on just two articles. We may have to do a supplement.

The first post to get slammed was our piece on Sen. Susan Collins's suggestion that she just might need to subpoena Lord Dampnut's income taxes as part of the Senate Intelligence Committee's investigation of the president's alleged links to Russia, a place he's never even heard of. The replies fell into a few general categories: arguments that Donald Trump's taxes are nobody's business, or that nobody cares about them except un-American troublemakers; funny jokes about how Collins never went after Barack Obama's birth certificate; pointed reminders that Sen. Collins is a RINO and possibly a traitor; and generalized whining about how the election is over and Donald Trump won, so no one can question him EVER. Here's "RK Wall" with some typical thoughts about how none of this is anyone's business anyway:

• Obviously, I'm a bit ignorant when it comes to law. No where can I find a law or requirement that a president or candidate is required to disclose his tax returns. If President Trump took advantage of tax loopholes and paid NO TAXES good for him. Bet that the IRS has scrutinized his tax returns and found nothing amiss. Why do you losers persist with this non-issue? YOU LOST... GET OVER IT.
• To Whomever it concerns: A Subpoena is not issued for fishing expeditions. Please to learn the law before commenting on it.
• FYI: I am a VET, so I have more than decent healthcare. Maybe if your liberal cowardice had allowed you to volunteer to serve this country, rather than tear it apart, you would realize more...AND have TOP SHELF HEATHCARE, as well.
• BTW: Save your cheap psychology for someone not bullshit proofed...
• What is an Electoral Collage? Do you have a scrapbook picturing all the liberal losers' heads pasted up along side each other, that you hide under your bed with the other boogeyman?

We actually have to sympathize with "RK Wall" on that college/collage mixup; drives us nuts, too. Not quite sure why he would think liberal losers would be a "boogyman" that scares people on Wonket. But he's right: there's no law requiring presidential candidates to release their tax returns. Just a forty-year tradition, since Nixon released his taxes even while they were under audit. (Trivia fun: The kerfuffle over his taxes, not Watergate, prompted Nixon to say, "I am not a crook." You could look it up!) Frankly, we think it would be an excellent law, and will probably be included in some post-Trump set of legal reforms.

Legal scholar "Walter N." explained that there's no reason at all for Susan Collins to subpoena Trump's taxes, since that would actually be an unconstitutional breach of the separation of powers, according to the Constitution that exists in his head. Stupid liberals don't know ANYTHING about how the Constitution really works:

We already have his tax return info. It's with the Internal Revenue Service. If there were any problems with the info, it's the IRS' function to deal with that. The Legislative Branch (of which Collins is a member) legislates. The Executive Branch (of which the IRS is a part, under the Department of Treasury) executes the legislature that the Legislative Branch legislates. Also, determining whether or not an action of the Executive Branch is Constitutional is a function of the Judicial Branch (of which Collins is NOT a member). It seems that Senator Collins wants to do other people's jobs when she should be more concerned with her own.

Someone should break it to poor Walter that the legislative branch is also responsible for oversight of the executive branch, and without that power, never could have held all those exciting Benghazi investigations. He also seems to think the only concerns about Trump's taxes are whether he did the math right, which is not the issue here, Walter.

"Sharon R" chimed in, possibly with the back of her hand to her forehead, to agree with Walter that these monsters have gone too far:

t hank you! what do the all want ......blood.....

Actually, we'd be far more satisfied with paper. And maybe for Donald Trump to behave at least occasionally like an actual president, not a spoiled child. Haha, we are completely joking there. But Donald Trump's tax returns would be much more informative than his blood, which would at most tell us whether the thing on his head has infected him with some dread crazy-making disease.

More legal reasoning from "daviedave," who wanted to know if Susan Collins knows anything about how laws work, even:

In order to obtain a supena one must show a crime has happen, did I miss that part?

Well, no. And a congressional subpoena is different from a court's subpoena, also too. Some Wonket jerk went and pointed out that the word is "subpoena," and that the word was even right there in the article if "daviedave" wanted to check the spelling. That brought this thought from "stairguage," who has had just about enough of liberal elites showing off their fancy spelling elitism:

Sit on it jerk your not perfect.

How true this is. "Stairguage" has quite the comment history, including this recent gem at Dead Breitbart's Home for Scaring White People:

Blacks in general ignore black on black crime.

I no longer care, let them kill each other.

It's like a Hate Haiku, almost. There's plenty more Derp to mine from that comment thread, which we'll hit soon, we promise, but we want to get to our other Derp Magnet this week so we'll close with this observation from the mellifluously pseudonymed "Dixie Rect":

100% of people agree, wonkette.com, the silliest website ever!

Were it not for all "Dixie Rect's" comments on rightwing websites calling people "beta males," we might have mistaken that for a compliment. But he had some very stern advice at The Hill for George Clooney:

Hey George!

You will address him as President Trump or Mr President!

Or else, apparently.

Our other high-traffic/hi, stupid! post this week was about Great Journalist James O'Keefe's brilliant demolition of CNN's unspeakable bias, as revealed by an editor's having referred to a 100-year old cliche about the proper role of a journalist: "to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable." This one got a weird mix of comments. There were plenty of attacks on CNN and defenses of O'Keefe, who, as several folks noted, single-handedly brought down ACORN (with deceptive editing, faked premises, outright lies, and a huge defamation settlement). But a lot of the comments seemed the result of a thought process limited to "Look! A liberal blog! I will now tell them who won the election, or just toss out any rightwing talking points that come to mind!" We can't spend the whole day copy-pasting, so we'll have to tackle most of the replies in a later ShitFerBrains Supplement, but here's a sampling:

From "John," who really focused in on the flaws in our critique of O'Keefe (but did at least read my author bio!):

• how easily the liberal propaganda machine controls your simple minds. all of you are complete trash. useless, horribly confused, naïve, lowlife trash. where were all of you when Clintons husband was putting cigars into monica Lewinski?
• he can take his phd in rhetoric and composition and wipe his ass with it
• you are a worthless person. youre a traitor. weak minded easily manipulated piece of shit. you morons are still in your echo chamber 3 months after Donald J. Trumps land slide win.
• all of you are complete trash. useless, disgusting lowlife trash.

Then there was "Sari T," who just wanted to point out that our article about a rightwing moran making allegations of bias and misdeeds at CNN eight years ago completely missed the important point:

Well, our liberal slanted writer here, with head stiffly stuck up his own behind, failed to point out, that regardless of the liberal taint applied to this expose' was that...MILLIONS of predominantly black babies were still murder-aborted by these reckless, killing, genocidal, conspiratorial murdering doctors, "...bless their hearts!"

"Jack-clown!"

Yeah! Why isn't every article about abortion? Don't you people have even the least clue about how journamalism works? We thought maybe that complete nonsequitur was a clever application of Poe's Law, but a quick glance at Sari T's comment history suggests she's deadly earnest, and devoted to dragging abortion into almost everything, but not absolutely everything. She also understands exactly what the Constitution is all about: Silencing criticism of the president:

Jodie Foster should be investigated for conducting a public event to 'stage plan' (or "...engage") anti-American disruptions of our elected government.

To stage a rally to overthrow the Trump Presidency of our elected president, President Donald Trump, elected by we the people, won't stand.

We people - we Trumpsters - that have taken back by Constitutional measure, by the vote and have elected President Trump will never permit the destruction of the Constitution, as your actions imply.

And the investigation could get started Monday morning.

Then there was "Reese Witheredpoon" (HAW HAW!) who at least seemed to be paying attention to what the article was about:

It sounds like Doktor Zoom (what an incredibly stupid pseudonym) is trying very hard to portray O'keefe as a fool just to distract us from what we already know - CNN leads the way in lies and fake news.

We'll close out this week with some thoughts from "Archibald Hooks," who exposed just what complete frauds we are, and in such detail!

• What is sad... is that you are so steeped in your destructive ideology, that you can't grasp reality. Hopefully.... when you grow up... you will realize just how antithetical to democracy and liberty you misguided useful idiots really are.
• You're welcome... but... and I really hate to break this to you... the world really doesn't run on rainbows, and unicorn tears snowflake! Now go run to your transgender bathroom safe space....
• Hahaha.... you losers just can't grasp the concept that Crooked Hillary got her ass handed to her by the people that don't want to destroy this country... (unlike you idiots)

There's a truckload more from both the Collins and the O'Keefe pieces, and we will definitely bring you further samplings of these courageous patriots' takedowns of our liberal fascism. Truly an embarrassment of riches proving we are as terribel as they say we are.